I am finding this so hard
I started college last year and was looking forward to training as a midwife! This was a massive achievement for me as I have suffered from depression, anxiety and agoraphobia for 9 years! I was so looking forward to my life for the first time in what seemed like forever!
Then I became very ill and dropped out of college as I had missed too much, and was diagnosed with SLE. I know I have posted similar to this before as I was really anxious about dying etc.
The thing is I am becoming more and more depressed as I feel like my life has been put on hold, and to be honest I don't know if it is on hold of just ended full stop.
It is really hitting me hard again right now, I think this is because I was hoping to be going back to college this September but it isn't looking that way, and because the friends I was in college with are now about to start uni Another factor is that we are struggling financially and there is not a lot I can do about it, and I so want to help, I can't go on the way we are at the moment, counting every penny, having a set £80 a week for shopping and having nothing left over for anything else we might need. I was thinking of applying for a job, and found a lovely job which I would love to do, then the next day I was hit with the exhaustion again and could do nothing but sleep and I was reminded that maybe a job isn't such a good idea after all What can I do? I am on £20 a week from DLA which is because of my agoraphobia etc, and I asked them to reassess, which they did but they left it the same!
Am I ever going to be able to get on with my life how I wanted it before? My rheumatologist doesn't tell me anything. I was given no explanation about this illness, just left to get on with it myself, although he does keep an eye on me. When I ask him questions he never gives me a straight answer! I asked him if I was going to be able to train as a midwife still and he said 'I don't see why not' and last time I saw him he said 'its not suprising you are feeling down, your condition is very serious' What does that mean????
I am seeing him next month I think, and I will try telling him to answer my questions straight, but i'm not very good at it, I end up keeping quiet because I know I will burst into tears if I try ask questions
Sorry for the long rant and thanks so much for reading if you got this far xxxx