So I’m watching it and I feel sick in my heart. It’s about a boy who gets hooked on drugs. His father really gets in deep to try to help him, free him from grasp of the drugs. I’m really triggered. It reminds me of everyday one after another I go along my little way and I don’t know how I should see life because there are so many ways to view it. Well I’m tired of all of my views that I have access to. There must be a way to be free free like a bird is what I want. And the kiddos will be free with me in our world. This is a silly dream I know wasting time in the sky but that’s just it... I don’t want to feel so much pain anymore. I’m tired of fighting fighting fighting failing wishing dreaming getting lost and loosing dreams.
I don’t know who I am or what I’m going to do. Things in my mind get out of control a bit. It’s scary.
So I just try focusing on my children and add hobbies so I take cate of my me too so I don’t die inside. My kids are perfect to me but to me I’m the opposite of perfect. I cry out the hurt and heal. I help them cry it out and heal. I guess that’s it. Life. I really want a better life or is it that wherever I go there I am?
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I feel I’m doing okay to the best of my ability but I’m suffering immensely.
Does anyone have any insights or ideas for me (although the thought of you sharing it with me is scary but hey I deserve the truth) right?
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Starrlight
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16 Replies
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I think you are doing fine Starrlight. Life for everyone is about ups and downs. Talk therapy, I think when you need to share you should make sure you do. I have not had the benefit of a lot of therapy so I can be but so much help, hope you get some good advice.
When inspired by a single verse in the Bible we may treasure it as “a lovely little flower”... For many, it's John 3:16 ...
Should we be content with one flower of truth? Had ONE been sufficient there would have been no more. Look deeper. Seek and gather to your bosom. The sweet fragrance of the bouquet God has provided will delight your mind and heart.
He knows we all need Him. No exceptions. I've shared this with others who have voiced similar concerns. Yours. Mine. the world. I can offer no better suggestion than to peer into the inspired book our Creator has provided.
Your friend
Hi starlight.
I’ve not seen a Beautiful boy no..but wanted to say I’m so sorry for how you feel.
Sometimes it’s a real struggle ..
It’s a big help having somewhere to go to let it out and not be judged...
I just keep thinking God hates me and I’ll go to hell when I die and I’m tired either I get better or I will die early. There is only so much a person can take. I’m angry. I’m sad and lonely in my pain.
God does not hate you. Try referring to God as what you need from Him. That may help, when I worship I call Him my deliverer, my healer. You have to get to know God Starrlight, then you will know He loves you. If one of your children were in pain, no matter what caused it, you would want them to get better, help them get better. He is your Heavenly Father, God loves you. Be well.
Hey starr. You really are amazing, you know how suportive and incredible you are. Movies and news can trigger this kind of reaction on us. Maybe give yourself a little of time, surround yourself with positivity and positive thoughts. Love you ❤
Starlight I find that I need to stay away from sad movies, music and documentaries that make me feel hopeless during times when I'm not feeling great. I used to expose myself to them during any tragic/sad/disappointing time in my life and they just made me cry and feel worse and for some sick reason, was so addictive I couldn't stop myself. They just prolonged my sadness for weeks beyond what it normally would have taken to subside. Now I know to steer clear...or at least I try!
Anyway, whenever I feel lost in life like you are feeling now I always remember a line in a movie that has stuck with me. It's from City Slickers. Jack Pallance's wise and lone wolf-type character is having a heart to heart conversation with the younger Billy Crystal's character who is feeling lost in his job and in his life...and Jack confidently says "life is about one thing" (as he raises his finger in the air)..."just one thing". And Billy Crystal smiles and looks puzzled and says "what...your finger?" And Jack says "the one thing". Billy, suddenly serious says "I don't know. What's the one thing?" and Jack smiles knowingly and and replies "that's what you gotta figure out".
And it's so true it seems the happiest,or at least, the most stable and content people I know have focused their life on one major thing at a time (becoming wealthy, raising their kids, devotion to a deity, excellence in their career etc) instead of trying to get involved in a million things and never being satisfied (me). So I try to remember that line from the movie and focus on one thing at a time and try to be content in the moment.
By the way City Slickers would be the perfect film for you to watch tomorrow night, if you haven't seen it yet 😊
Aww that is so helpful. Sometimes I feel fulfilled enough doing one important thing but then other times negativity and fear steps in and I feel it’s not enough. I’ll check out City Slickers, thanks Miniwheats!
Starlight your awesome and everyone here knows it! Stop beating up on yourself so hard although I can't judge cuz I'm awful to myself. This time shall pass like all the others before it. Its an awful roller coaster eh? We are here for you!
I just realized the way I worded some of the writing here I’m pretty much asking for people to see the bad sides of me. Silly me. Trying to focus on things I like about myself today. Thanks for being here Aaron! How are you and your family doing?
Nobody on here believes those claims where we say negative things about our self anyway. Lol.
Foster care can be as much up and down as mental illness and my wife is about to the end of her rope with the kids. I'm going home tonight after work. Hopefully I can restore stability. Cassie, the one who had surgery, is doing a lot better.
I can only imagine. We took in a friend of my son’s one year and it was a rough time. I’d do it again in a second but I would handle some things differently. Best to you all; I am happy Cassie is doing well.
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