My recent health anxiety record....

[Kellan38]

I’m a new member on here, and have only joined this forum today, so I thought I’d let you have a list of part of my medical (non) history dating back over approximately the last 5 years. Please note that there have been many other delusions besides these, but these are the a few of the main episodes that I can remember....

1. I was once convinced that I had cancer in some part of the tummy, but I was wrong, and it cleared up eventually without my going to the doctors.

2. I was once convinced that I had liver cancer (5 years ago). I was wrong, of course, but had to go through an ultrasound and a CT scan first (which the doctor said they organised mainly to put my mind at rest) before I could be convinced that I was OK.

3. I was once convinced that I had Prostate Cancer (First time)...I thought this because I kept thinking I needed to urinate all the time, but it turned out to be something different altogether.

4. I was once convinced that I had Subungual Melanoma (Cancer of the toenail or fingernail)., but, again, I was wrong.

5. I was once convinced that I had bowel cancer. I was wrong again, but I was only sure of that after being screened for the disease.

6. I was once convinced that I had cirrhosis of the liver (Several times))...I was wrong again, and was scanned in tested for this as recently as a month ago.

7. I was convinced that I had Prostate Cancer (2nd time)...I was again, wanting to urinate a lot (or was imagining I did), but it all, very thankfully came to nothing yet again.

8. I have been convinced that I had Myeloma, but what I was convinced were pains in bones caused by the cancer were being felt as a result of me having a deficiency in Vitamin D.

9. I was convinced only last year that I had lost a huge amount of weight - at one point it was a full stone overnight before and during when my partner and I were at Filey (and the terror on the train going there was incredible)...I was wrong, but I think this was a totally crazy, stupid idea, and totally bonkers - even by my own absolutely barmy way of thinking.

10. I was convinced that my eyes had turned yellow (I was sure of this because I was convinced that people were staring at my eyes, and I was terrified that someone would comment). It a while now since I first thought this, but I do now think I was wrong (and so, of course, I was frightened that I was right just because I half believed that I was wrong).

12. I was convinced qgain (on several several occasions) that I had lost over a stone in a day or a couple of days. Totally bonkers again, but that’s just me...

13. I was again convinced that my eyes had turned yellow. This was one Saturday afternoon after looking in the mirror at home. I actually convinced myself that they had a yellow tinge to them (even though they hadn’t) and almost daren’t go to the football match I was getting ready to go to because I was terrified that someone would have commented. No one did.

13. I was utterly convinced on several occasions (more than I dare admit) that there was a very good chance that I might die during the night. Silly ideas, of course, but that’s anxiety for you..

14. I am now (on the 27th November) again frightened that I have liver cancer. This fear is accentuated by the fact that in the midst of all these worries, I have had a letter from the hospital inviting me for a follow up appointment - with a part of it being a possible scan - to see the Consultant to discuss the fatty liver that I was diagnosed with 5 years ago. When I spoke to staff there about this, they said it was just to ask me how I am, and if I tell them I’m OK they’ll probably discharge me, but if I’m honest with them (as I know I have no option but to be) then they’ll put me through another CT scan, for which I’ll be terrified of hearing bad news if they find what what I’m fearing they will...

I realise that the above is a pretty sorry sort of record, and I feel pretty stupid just on looking at the list, but I can’t help way I am, and I’d give anything I could if only could only just be free of my silly thoughts.

I had CBT easier th8s year, and I thought it had sorted me out, but I soon lapsed back into my silly ways of thinking, so perhaps I was too hopeless a case for it to work for me...

..........

[Hidden]

Hello & Welcome

Nothing in your post is silly , as you no doubt know it is health anxiety and there is nothing to feel silly about because out of all your list and I have health anxiety and could add to your list some more I have had ( some the doctors have told me would be medical history as they don't even exist ) but over the years in my mind they did , but what we have got wrong and yes we do have one thing wrong is that we are poorly and it is the brain that is ill

I know and feel your fears , I actually did have double pneumonia in Feb , yes I actually got something wrong and since then I have relapsed with my HA , I am checking my breathing , petrified if someone as much coughs near me so I know what you are feeling and it is true fear !

Now you have had a relapse and this happens but you can do something about it , you can go back and have some more cbt , ( I am waiting to get some therapy ) or you could think about going on medication ?

I understand again how it must have scared the living daylights out of you when you got that letter from the hospital but honestly I know that HA anxiety wants to stay in control but all they are doing is their job to check you are now feeling ok and if you are not well tell them but tell them also how you are suffering with HA so they get the full picture

I am also like you , I fear I have about everything going yet I am so afraid to have tests done in case they say I have so instead I let it take over my every waking thought and we know this is no way to live

Think about getting some support like cbt again , know you are not alone and when you need to talk even if it is to tell us what you think you have next then pop on knowing you are among like minded people who won't judge but understand

Take Care x

[Kellan38 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, Lulu, for your reply.

I’ve tried to get back on a new CBT course, but the waiting list seems to be endless, and it looks like I could be waiting months before I’m seen again.

I don’t know what the future holds - and as a health anxiety sufferer myself, I do t think we’re the best people to predict it - but I do hope it’s far better than I imagine it to be.

Thank you again for your reply.

Regards

Graham

[Hidden in reply to Kellan38]

Hello Graham

I now what you mean about the waiting lists to get support , it is the same here to but eventually it will get round to us , I do phone and ask where I am regarding wait time , it gives you a better idea , even though so far they are saying the New year but what part of the New Year I am not sure

Day at a time that is all I can do and you to , we will get there and you can always come and talk with us whenever you want x

[Kellan38 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply, Lulu

You sound like a nice person, which is what the world needs more of in these days. I'm sure we'll chat again soon...

regards

Graham

[Hidden in reply to Kellan38]

Thank you Graham , that means such a lot and you will know when we feel so low how someone saying something nice about us means so much

I think most people suffering with anxiety are nice people and because we are is why we struggle as we are so sensitive

Just a little good news and that is I have just had a call and I am getting a visit to look at therapy on the 6th Jan ....which even though that sounds quite a while when you add up the weeks it is not to long

I wonder if you live in the UK ?

If you did and you put in Google there is something called

Trent PTS

They do all kinds of therapy , free even though you have to go on a waiting list but you can do a self referral and you do not need your Doctor to do it

Maybe it could be worth looking at and which ever offers you the support you need first you could go with

To be honest I applied to them as well as the Doctor referring me to other organisations and I have had 2 offers for next year so far , obviously I will only accept one but I do think there is no harm in applying to as many as you can instead of just keeping as we say all our eggs in one basket

Good Luck I really do hope you get the help you need as soon as possible x

[Kellan38 in reply to Hidden]

Hello again, Lulu-1

I'm sorry for the late reply, but I thought I was up to date in getting back to people when I very clearly wasn't.

I'm currently doing everything I can do to shake myself free from this horrible anxiety, and am even going out running on a very regular basis now, partly to improve my physical health and stamina, but also to metaphorically 'run away' from all my problems, too. I always feel much better after running, but then the anxiety worms its way back and takes down my mood again. I hate these fears so much, I really do. I'm having another horrible day today, and can't run again until tomorrow, so I'm struggling really very badly just now,

I'll have a look at the Trent PTS site today, and let you know how I go on, so thank you for telling me about that.

Regards and thanks again

Graham