I feel so messed up. Trying to be with pain in present moment. It seems hard to function and feels like I am falling apart while everything around me is going and I am spinning away from it all and trying to grasp onto hope. It feels like too much. Is it true I wonder that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I have to admit I am angry at God at myself It is fact that no one knows exactly what happens after this life. Or who God actually is exactly if He is at all. Well I wonder what God has in store. If He is the Controller I am begging Him for help. I cannot keep doing this; I feel like I will get bitter. I just can’t do this. It’s seems like no matter how hard I try I suffer so much that it’s teally not worth it. Way more pain than pleasure. I think of my kids and I keep going. How much longer? Maybe I will need to check myself in somewhere until this passes but that’s even more stress being around all those strangers in a strange place worrying about how my kiddos are doing... seems no matter what, I am doomed is what it seems.