VENTING, BOREDOM, INVISIBLE & AM I A WOMAN ?

[Cocoon3]

My weekends (just a yr ago actually) were always filled with fun & letting loose. Not because of alcohol but because I really could just be myself & act silly & people would think i was funny & I would sang karaoke etc.. & my other half of almost 30 yrs would be here, with me and my husband and sometimes my daughter, but now my BF is dead & I feel as though I am too. today I counted nine words all day that have been spoken to me by my husband, other people seem to enjoy what I have to say and actually think I’m funny - but no matter what I say ...now my husband doesn’t crack a smile, how enjoyable life is !!! I am now stuck with no other friends (which is my fault), no family and a husband that makes me feel like I do not exist and especially not attractive or even worth listening to. every time I say something to him, his body language immediately changes as though he’s ready to strike or defend, it is not a smile -no eyecontact, & mostly the only words he speaks are: Whatttt ??? ....with an attitude. You know he relapsed a few nights ago (drinking) and I spoke about it on here and he was drunk as hell & now mind you... I quit drinking to set an example for him, as well I has to be a designated driver , then 11 months later he quit (October of last yr) until the other day and I went through hell that day!! but you know, nothing was really said by his family who always has me under a microscope since my breakdown (u know how we get flagged) .. all they said was ...what way to bring the new year in (in his 20’s he was needle addict), but, you know what’s sad ... if I would go somewhere & drink a couple glasses of wine or even go back to the good old beer (& if someone we knew seen me )....that would be like breaking the law AND ...EVERYONE would know about it and in our little small town it would probably make headlines in our newspaper tomorrow morning AND....I’m not the one that turns into a devil when I drink (whether it’s a sip or a keg ) or (whether it is wine or tequila )......what the shit is wrong with this picture ? I’ve got to be just flat out stupid ... this isn’t love even someone who would maybe never of been around it would at least know how to hug I need to start getting my ducks in a row (as hypercat said).. now I could easily go take my shower and get the hell out of Dodge OR begin putting my ducks in a row (since it’s cold outside)..I think I will begin putting my ducks in a row- why the hell not, I think he has. (all I know is, I’m worth more than what the shit is happening here ... nothing!! ) as I said there’s never even eye contact and as I told him earlier today “no lookie, no Nookie”

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Hello & Welcome Cocoon3

You are more than welcome but I have a feeling you may have posted this in the wrong Community , you have posted on Living with Anxiety and I think you may have thought from what you are saying that you have posted this in one of the other Anxiety / Depression Communities

I wanted to let you know as we are a quite Community on here and you may wonder where everyone is you usually talk to or why you don't have many replies

Reading between the lines and not knowing you , it sounds however that maybe both you and your Husband have had addiction problems ?

Sometimes people relapse when they do and nothing anyone does can stop them from doing so but what we can do is ask ourselves can we cope with a recovering addict ? as it is hard work at times and if we already have our own issues are we strong enough to take on someone else's that have the same or similar or will it drag us down to and we have to put ourselves as we are the most important person in our life's and if we are not in a good place we cannot help others around us

I hope in time you get the answers to what you need to do and the strength to be able to do it , you are worthy of been loved and if someone cannot love you the way you should be loved then believe in yourself that you are worthy of more and start by showing yourself that you can love you and will take or accept nothing less from anyone else because you are worth so much more

Take Care x

[Starrlight]

(((((((((((((((( hugging Cocoon)))))))))))))

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Sending hugs to you 🤗🌺🌺