Alzheimer’s- On accepting an illness and what it has taken away

[Starrlight]

It’s hard to accept and I become angry at her for having Alzheimer’s though of course it’s not her fault. Today I was clearing out some of my mom’s cook books that were not being used. It was good in the way that it gives a lot of space as she had quite a large collection...but its left me very saddened today as it’s a reminder of my mom’s disease, and the taking away of her cooking ability amoung other things... Alzheimer’s has done so much to make her suffer. It’s hard to walk now eat now and cleaning herself doesn’t happen...terribly scary hallucinations and delusions...I feel like she’s not there most of the time. Not really her. We are in different dreams. I have had hallucinations and delusions before, because of my bipolar. So I can relate somewhat. I try to help her through but I feel she it going through it alone. Like I’m not really there in her eyes, she’s really off somewhere else. Although she has turned into someone who I don’t recognize at times there are glimpses of her like I still find a sparkle in her eyes when she smiles and laughs. I recall when I was very young, watching her mom forget how to play cards with me, watching her scream in fear as she sat with my mom and aunt trying to feed her. It’s just too sad watching my mom and personally I wouldn’t want to live anymore if it came to that for me. Having your essence stolen from you and replacing it with torment. I believe God will perfect things, will let her essence come back to her in heaven. Meanwhile I wonder if I will get Alzheimer’s since I read that 50 % of people who’s parents had it will get it too. Anxious today because the fear set in now, now I fear I will fail to be good enough to her before she passes I fear my kids education living with ADD and ADHD is likely and will continue making school life a struggle for them, I fear we are loosing the kids insurance I am afraid am going to loose it by being so worried. I was really handling it all quite well before and just now it is just too much I feel overwhelmed. Maybe I’ll go out into nature soon. I need to escape it all.

[Florida1959]

My dad had Alzheimer’s, it’s a cruel illness, you become the adult they become the child, go and walk girl, feel that you need it, here always xxx💕

[Starrlight in reply to Florida1959]

💕

[Florida1959 in reply to Starrlight]

Morning lovely x

[Starrlight in reply to Florida1959]

Morning love 💕

[newbie1956]

Dear Starr,

My heart goes out to you. I'm getting a more complete picture of what your

lot in life has been and why you keep reaching out.

Seems many of your closest family members have brought sorrow to you and even though you acknowledge it's not their fault, you feel anger, which I totally understand. It's based on the love we feel for an aging parent, a sick sibling, or a child with issues, yet we're helpless to change their condition or situation.

I know that sick feeling which comes unbidden. It happens when we feel there is no hope. Then we feel guilt because we assume we must wait for GOD to do

something and we don't want to wait. We don't want anyone to die but can feel a measure of relief when they do. More guilt. And anxiety builds up.

Hope I can explain what happened to me when my parents and both a young nephew & infant niece died. My hope to see each one again is solidly based on faith. But more than that is the knowledge of a promise that GOD has stated ,

"I have spoken, and I will bring it about. I have purposed it, and I will also carry it out."​ Isa. 46:11.

So no matter how it seems now, it's only temporary. Better things are ahead, even if gets worse before it gets better, it will come. We can rely on all GOD has promised. That includes all our pain, fears and imperfection. Gone. Living with that reassurance helps me endure all things. It really helps.

Remember that Jesus endured much when he offered his life because of the glorious outcome set before him, and by following the example he gave truly results in more joy for us.

Heartfelt prayers for you and your family continue. Agape. <3

[Starrlight in reply to newbie1956]

💕

[Hidden]

Hello Starrlight

I hope you feel better putting down in words how you are feeling and knowing you have friends listening

My Grandma had Alzheimer's which is a terrible thing I know , but I think it is not so much the person suffering as the loved one's that suffer just as much if not more as they are in a world of their own but the loved one's are not in that world with them and to see someone still physically there but in every other way they are not does break your heart

I know my Dad always worried he would get Alzheimer's and he never worried about anything yet he didn't and you know I am not sure if it is in the genes or if it just happens but worrying and I know easier said than done will not change what the future may or may not bring and that is why you have to try and make the best of every day

It feels like you have your over thinking cap on , I do this often , I am surprised mine is not worn out , and when I do over think everything seems so out of control because I am overthinking and giving it the " what if's " when I don't know what they are and when I get to the stage I feel I will explode I have to take that thinking cap of , push it away and start living in the day as that is the only one we have to deal with at any time , tomorrow we will take care of when it comes

I also am getting the feeling that you are still not taking time out for you which you so need but instead focusing in on everyone else and putting their needs first , which yes we have to look out for our kids and loved one's but we are just as important and we need to look out for ourselves to

I hope you will take some time out and take some well deserved "me" time , let your tired brain have a rest and then when as I say you have recharged your batteries you may feel in a better place to know what the answers are to everything that is doing 100 miles an hour at the moment in your head

Now you be kind to yourself

Take Care x

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Seems you mysteriously know things. 😆 I do feel better writing it out. Yes I needed someone to tell me to focus on the day now and let go of what if’s and to stop overthinking. I am sick physically and I’m going to my second parents night and then after that I will rest. So I say...but seriously I do need to. Blessings, earth angel 💕

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

All this pressure you are putting yourself under will be contributing to you feeling physically sick so please when you have done what you have to today , take time out x

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I promise 😊

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

I shall be keeping an eye on you x

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Lol 😂

[Hidden]

There are quite a few variations of Alzheimers. Such a cruel disease. Can you Mum remember life as a little girl/teenager? I've heard that Alzheimer patients like to remember the 'Good Old days'. I don't have personal experience of a close family member with this disease. Try to focus on the fleeting moments with the sparkle in her eye of recognition.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

With my mom it depends. Sometimes we can talk about the good old days and photographs really help too in recalling these happy times ... other times she is in a place like a living nightmare where she says over and over that someone killed her father and she gets really upset.

But I love this idea of trying to stay with positivity, of focus on what is good and going well, like when there’s the sparkle in her eyes.