Why do I write? to be understood and to be one who understands, to relate to others, to try to lift my burdens, to try to lift yours...
My mom always told me things will work out. Maybe sins and mistakes and fears can be washed away. Omg I used to be sooooooo free; carefree, wild, spiritual, living life. I don’t want to live all cooped up and realizing thAt the way I think is pretty screwed up sometimes, really disturbing. I fear if I don’t jump on this and fix it I may loose the battle. Things seem so complicated in my racing cluttered mind. I need answers.
I’m working on watching and changing the way I think and act with as much love and hope and faith as I can muster. I’m in so much pain right now. It feels like me against the world. I need a smile from someone so I will smile. I need to smile to make another smile. I need to accept you and myself. Forgive you and myself. Let go.
Why does everyone else seem so beautiful and normal and I feel so unworthy? Is that what I really believe deep down do I know different yes but the illness is usually bothering barely ever a break. The depression anxiety bipolar ocd they have me turned inward and they are too real to dismiss.
We who suffer maybe should accept that we may never be free completely from this in this life but just let us live the best we can until heaven the magical place that I still believe in. I want to be close to God like in the past. And I wish heaven for everyone. I wish it was my time.
Our bodies are just shells and inside (our souls) are the pearls.