Thank you for being here on this site. I have suffered from Whatcom now recognise as anxiety for 30+ years now and thought I could finally deal with things..... How wrong can you be?
I has been diagnosed with depression, but through getting to know myself and the differences between the conditions I know now that was wrong. I have gone through a life time of self preservation, reclusive behaviour, eating disorders, alcohol misuse and finally reached a place where I am substance free, prescription meds free but my main issue remains, and my current default reaction remains the same - anxiety.
I know I need and function best with good people in my life. I have a wonderful family who help me so much. But when it comes to finding the right friends to spend time with it seems impossible. And I know I needs friends in my life, but I need the right ones. Thought I had things going well until September there until things changed and i hadctonleave a group i was enjoying so much. I tried to be rational- give it time and the next right thing will become clear. But I'm still waiting, feeling worthless with my self esteem going through the floor.
Hypnotherapy is helping me deal with it but I still cant find a place I fit. Are we all jigsaw pieces missing from a different box??? I'm really starting to think so. Sorry for such a long intro but I'm just so glad to have found this place. Does anyone have any recommendations for dealing with these feelings? I know I need to connect but just seem to go about it the wrong way.
Thank you again for being here xx
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Om289
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Hi Om289 Nice to 'meet' you even though it is under these circumstances.
I don't really have an answer for you, as you have discovered the struggle is real and the solution elusive. Some members here have recommended books by Dr. Claire Weekes - but I'm not sure which one to start with and there seems to be quite a choice. And of course it depends on whether you are a reader.
For myself, I try to put in place the good things I've learned at the various counselling sessions I've been to - mindfulness, breathing, counting backwards round a clock face, that sort of thing. I also try to set some aside each day just for me - I also avoid situations I know will make things worse. Today I was supposed to go out with a friend to a garden centre for lunch and then to a knit and natter, both places were new to me, when I got up I just knew I couldn't face it so had to cancel at the last minute, thankfully she knows I have issues!!! A few years ago I taught myself to crochet and find that helps immensely - so do you have a hobby of any kind? Maybe try colouring - that helps me too. I also recently joined a happiness thing where each day you do an exercise to help focus your mind on the good stuff -
Gratitude - what three things are you grateful for in the last 24 hours
Focus on the good - think/share/journal one of those things in more detail
Pay it forward - speaks for itself, what have you done to help others in the same time period
Remember the good - think/share/journal a really happy memory from the past
Exercise - known to create feelings of wellness, (something I personally struggle with tbh)
Calm the mind and take care of yourself - take ten minutes to settle yourself and a bit longer to do something just for you, a cool shower, a hot bath, set aside some time for a hobby. etc. etc. I'm sure you get the drift. I'm on day five and it's really helping.
This short Ted talk is really great at explaining the benefits of practising being happy!!
As I read your post I could feel the negatives but was relieved to read the positives having a loving family as well as recovering from your addictions which I can relate to as I to turned to drink and thought I could find the answers in the bottom of a bottle which you never can , it has been 26 years now since I gave up on that one and put the drink down but I relate to you are still left with you and your anxiety
I know we have very low self worth and it can be hard making friends as well as when we believe we have finding that they were not friends at all , I have lost count how many times this has happened and I would get hurt but now I don't because when I have tried my best to be a good friend ( and I do have my faults ) but when they walk away I think well what have I lost ? nothing because they were not the person I thought they were , so do not use your emotions up on them
I think it is important before yo look at friendships to become your own best friend , learn to like yourself , love yourself even and know you are fine just the way you are and if people want to share the wonderful person you are , good and bad then fine and if they don't you will always have you
I hope you will know you are among people that care and understand on here and even though maybe online there are friends to be made and you are always welcome x
Thanks for replying. When I do things like this I convince myself no one will answer and that its all pointless. Guess that's my self esteem issues showing!
I know that I have a lot of positive things in my life and I do value them. I would go so far as to say that I am looking for "extras" now to enhance my life. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting them, but I feel its no more than others have and I have every right to be as happy as I would like, within my control. I used my addictions, as most of us do, to numb the emotions - mine came from loneliness and feeling apart from everything around me. I have 4 sober years behind me (2/6/14).
I am a person who needs some personal connections in my life. I am blessed that I met my best friend whilst going through the 12 step programme, and I know she is there. I am slowly trying to spread outwards, but years of mistrust are hard to dismantle.
I did think I had found a place I belonged spiritually but it didn't work out. I am now slowly trying to find an alternative. My spiritual well being is very important to me these days but I struggle to find a connection to the people I want to fill my life with. My husband plays golf so he is sorted LOL !!!
I seem to spend hours searching for the right place/event to attend to make a start on finding my place, with none of them panning out. It is just such a drain sometimes. This is when I suppose PoodleMum's advice on self care should be what i'm focussing on.
I met one of my best friends this way and it has been 26 years since we first met , I am like you in the way I am not keen in letting anyone in maybe fear of rejection , letting people down , lack of self confidence who knows could be a mixture but this friend was here to stay and I always say I would rather have one or two Good loyal friends than a string of people pretending to be your friend , when the going is good they are all over you while you are supporting , saying what they wan't to hear , making them laugh yet the moment you say exactly how things are , well where are they , gone , maybe gossiping behind your back well that is not a true friend and personally I am better of without them so maybe when you look round at what you think are people better of than you because they have what seems a great social life with lot's of friends , is it actually what it comes across as it looks , people always make things look better than what they are you only have to look on Social Media !
I think we have to stop looking sometimes and maybe what we want may just come to us when we least expect it
But having said that at the same time there is no harm in looking just don't make it a big deal though , I wonder if there is a hobby you like or would like to have a go at like your Husband has his golf is there something you could join , you would meet people that way
What about your Husbands partners he plays golf with what do they do while their men are knocking a ball round with a stick
Remember that when you got sober they told you to believe in a power greater than yourself ?
Well some choose that power to be God and others struggle , I was one that struggled and someone said it can be anything you want it to be , maybe a loved one that has passed has guided you here or one said you can make that plant pot your high power if you like ( which I did for a while ) it is about believing in something so when the down days come and they do you have something to turn to , but if you are struggling with it then don't force it again it will come when the time is right , use these Communities for now , always make sure you are talking and saying exactly how you feel and you will be fine
Life and what it hands us cannot be forced or rushed but it will always give us what we need when we need it x
My last reply seems to have gone to the back hole, I'm not good at this on line message stuff. That's something else I can dig myself up about 😁.
I did attend AA for about 2 years., however our local groups were all frequented by the same people and there was a lot of gossiping and cliquey behaviour going on. It took my anxiety through the roof, although at that point I hadn't figured out that it was the root of my drinking. One person, who later admitted this to me, started st the same time and actively sought to exclude me from activities. She said she found me a threat 😯. She apologised but I couldn't make the meetings work for me. I did go through the programme with a sponsor though, and met my best friend there so not all bad. Just a shame I'm having to do step 12 outside of the fellowship.
I am actually looking into learning play golf - I know myself well enough to know that what's missing is something I can Just pitch up, spend time with people sharing an interest and if I pick up a new friend or two then great. I need constants in my life or my mind runs riot 😈.
I've also beenbtryingvto find the right community to explore my relationship with my higher power. Last try ended up badly, but I'm over that now. Just don't want to try to squeeze myself into the wrong shaped hole - I've done that all my life. Church hadn't worked for me so far, I'm looking further afield now. I enjoy yoga and meditation so maybe I can find something through that.
Sorry I have not been able to log on I think there must have been something wrong with the site but I now have made it
Regretfully you will always get clicks where ever you go or whatever you do , in the AA rooms you get it do and I strongly believe it is wrong as that is the one place where they know how very important peoples feelings are as we all no what it can lead to and I am sorry that is what you found and experienced
To be honest it was part of the reason I stopped going in the end but I had enough years under my belt to be able to carry on without and made a good few friends to help if I needed it and I do stick by even all these years later the golden rule as I see it which is no matter what if the roof caves in do not pick up a drink ! it is a day at a time
If you feel bad and need to chat come on here , I try as hard as I can to include everyone or invite everyone to join in , yes we get friendly with certain people but there are no clicks because anyone can join in with any posts we are talking on and no matter who they are they will always be welcome , all I ask for is to be polite to each other which is what we should be anyway so no one has a problem with that
O that sounds like a good idea trying out golf and why not , good exercise to , have to keep us updated how you get on with that
Yoga and meditation are both great as well so your interests you have and are doing are all good ones
Maybe at times you are trying to hard and that is where the anxiety and frustration are coming from , sometimes waiting and whatever comes are way when it is meant to can be the way to go
Life though is about trying to see where we fit and can be a long process but if we don't try we will never find where we are meant to slot in
I think you do give yourself a hard time , just the statement you are not good at this on line stuff says that , you seem and are just as good at this online stuff as the rest of us and I am still learning about it as I go along to
My weekend and thank you for asking is not as good as I would have liked it to be , I think I am struggling with this heat but I am trying to say cool and relax x
Hi there ~ good to have you on board. You will make friends on here ~ I have made some lovely ones .
You will never be judged ~ just given friendly advice if you need it ~ or just to chat to say how your day has been ~ what worries you have etc.
We often have a laugh and a joke too ~ which can lighten your mood.
What ever it is,~You will be made welcome in this community. 🙂x
Hi kittykat28, and thanks for the welcome. It is good to have people to talk to, and not to feel like you have to put on a mask.
Most days I can cope but when stress gets the better of me the little demons just creep back in, telling me I'm fooling myself that I'm an ok human being 😌.
To be honest I've never been good at making online friends, so this will be interesting. And I will probably use it as another stick to beat myself with if I can't get the hang of it But, like you said we need a laugh sometimes, so I will do my best.
Think we are all the same when we suffer Anxiety. I'm always worrying about something or another. You will soon get the hang on here. lulu usually kicks off a weekly check in ~ where people say what's been going on with their week. Keep you eye open for it and you will meet a few members on here and have a chat ~ it's really good.
Hope you are enjoying your wknd too 🙂x
Hi there ~ weekly check in happening at the minute. Have a little look and see if you fancy joining in any maybe meet a few members. But no pressure ~ just have a peep.🙂xx
Thank you kittykat28, I was a bit late so felt a little out of place to still post on there. I will try to be sharper next time. Thanks gorvthinking of me 💖
Oh no worries ~ just have a little look to see what folks are saying . You just join in ( if you want to) when you feel comfortable.
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