Anxiety, depression and relationships

[depressionconsumesme]

Hi everyone, I am a 21 year old woman going through a really tough time at the moment.

I found out this week I may never be able to have children, I have severe IBS to the point where I can't eat without rushing to the toilet with diarrhea, had a terrible car accident 2 months ago and am in quite a bit of debt. Depression and anxiety rule my life at the moment. I used to be so fun and loud and crazy and outgoing. Now, most days, I stay in, avoid going outdoors like the plague and hate any form of human contact, it makes me squirm.

I have the most lovely boyfriend in the world. He has aspergers syndrome but is absolutely beautiful inside and out. He does everything for me. He is so understanding, so caring and loving.

Yet I push him away. I don't know why, I have my days where I'm really really clingy and I feel as though I love him so much and that I never want him to leave my side, and I have other days where I don't want him in my sight because he can be quite overbearing. We've been together nearly 2 years and he has recently been talking about marriage. On my good days (days where my anxiety and depression is not as bad) I'm like yeah, lets get married tomorrow! haha. And then on my days where I feel low, I think "The last thing I wanna do is get married to you". Arghh it's driving me crazy!

When I'm happy, I know I love him with all my heart. And when I'm sad, I question every part of my life, including him. I don't wanna miss out on a good guy, because I've been with horrible men all my life, I've been cheated on, abused etc. and now I finally have the "perfect" man and I feel like I don't know how to act! He works hard, he buys me gifts (it's not all about that, I know), he has goals and dreams, he is funny, handsome, etc. so why am I doubting him? We're really good together and when I'm happy, our relationship is soooo good! But when I'm having my down days I'm literally all over the place and sort of push him out

I don't want to be like this! He deserves a really good girlfriend because he's an amazing person!

Does anybody else act like this with their anxiety or am I just an ungrateful sod?

Please be honest!

Thank you for your time xx

[luke4ever99]

hey sorry for replying late first off but your story is amazing and just seeing it makes mine look like crap haha. but your not being ungrateful its just your brain that sees the fears of doing everyday normal life. like i had a panic attack just friday im not sure if your aware of those but they suck... i have been left feeling the worst i ever have and deppression has snuck its way in somewhere. i am a christian and i will keep you in my prayers if thats ok and i really advise you to go to a church. you will find a way to vent that anxiety it has helped me a load. you probably dont believe in it but when you go into a church the peace you find not just with god but the people in he church that you know actually give a damn. i just want to tell you you are not alone in this world and this anxiety will pass just as mine will. your not horrible and the things you have been through are truly amazing. just whenever you wake up, what i do is always say in my head "today is a new day" or "god i give my day to you" simple as that. but you arent a sod. i dont know if you want to hear any of this but i believe you have been made for a purpose and god loves you!! you rock