Feeling parent less

[Lils30]

Hi everyone,

This is an odd feeling that makes me worry a lot. l had problems with my mum during my wedding ( which. I posted on here about) and now we are not talking and haven't done for most of the year, I can't call her or email her, none of that works, she just rejects me every time and is very nasty. I think she hAs mental health problems.

My dad has now emergrated to New Zealand not long after the wedding and I knew this for at least a year he Was going but now that it's happened, I kind of feel lost I'm hoping this feeling is temporary. I now have this feeling like I don't have any parents anymore, and it's not that's nice, it's a bit like they've both just disappeared and left their children in limbo even though we Are adults 29, 26 and 23 years old but still...

now i suddenly feel like the parent; I've had my little sister on the phone in tears, she's at uni and not coping well and yesterday she was very to giving up and dropping out but has been told if she does, by our mum, not to come home!! Charming, Shes stressed enough working part time at weekend where she earns nothing and studying all the time and rarely goes out drinking (she's wants to be a vet :)) and hardly has any money!! It doesn't help that she also has disrespectful noisy house mates and one them sounds like a bit of a bully, but that's another story! so after 2.5 hours of counselling her and trying to get her incidence back again, I've managed to convince my sister not to drop out, its her dream job and I'm helping her look for another house share. Ive had to give her a fair amount of money ( I honestly don't mind,I just think my parents should be responsible for this) to help her out - My lovely mother also won't give her any and told her to get some money from our dad but he's unconntactable!! My sister very much feels the way I do, our brother is dealing with it a lot better but he is sensitive so I'm waiting for his call to talk about this!!!

Yes I do have my siblings a Hubby and some of my mums family and husbands family but they are not always in Contact and have their own lives and non live near by and they are not my parents!

My dad did send me a text before he left to get on the flight but I couldn't help but feel annoyed, he could of called instead a day or so before leaving for the airport.

I feel like this is slowly dragging me down and I don't want to become unhappy and anxious because that does then effect my job! I just feel that if I ever had a real problem I dont have a parent to call. i do almost feel abandoned by them and they are wrapped up in their own worlds and doing what they want to do, mainly by my mum. I don't know if this sounds dramatic or childish

But that's how it's is and how it feels.

Thanks for reading Lils

[maggie91]

It sounds like you don't really like your mom because of the way you talk about her so why do you want her in your life. I have not heard you say anything nice . You seem intent on pointing out all her faults. You do have your husband now and he is the one you should go to if you need to talk. Work on having a wonderful marriage. Since you and your siblings are of age, your parents have a right to live their own lives. Its too bad, that you and your parents can't be friends. Maybe you should think about the good things they have done for you and not about all the things they are not doing now. I'm sure that you and your mom can rebuild a relationship but on a different level. You do have your life as a married woman and she has a right to live her life. Maybe next time you talk to her, just ask how she's doing and accept her as she is. It seems that you can accept that your relatives and siblings have their own lives and you should accept that your mom has her own life to live now that her children are now grown. As for your sister coming to you for help and advise, that is good. You are her older sister. Why wouldn't you be there for her. It's not just your mom's responsibility. You are her family too. Family helps each other out.

[Lils30 in reply to maggie91]

I don't dislike her nor do I not want her in my life, but I can not forget what she put us through, and that's the painful part for all of us.

As any other adult I don't like being controlled. I don't like what she put myself and my hubby through with regards to our wedding. she lashes out at people (not just me) for no reason. My siblings and I are a reasonable and nice people. If this was a petty dispute I/we would say lets draw a line and get over it, but it goes much deeper then that, some of the actions she has taken (aimed at us individually) were horrible and when asked why (nicely) she did what she did , she does not answer And refuses to take responsibility for the things she has said and done. That's really frustrating...not having an answer and it causes me /us to be angry. so that's why I have said anything nice because at the moment sadly there isn't anything nice to say!! Of course I can remember everything she's done for me and appreciate it and it's hurts to remember the nice times we had together.

When ever I have contacted her she rejects me. I've tried many ways of contacting her text, phone, email letter - trying to find a way - without being provoked I might add.

With my sister, as a young adult she is responsible for herself and What she does with her life - when it comes to money and both my parents can help her out. I Don't mind helping her out one bit when I do have the money because I know she works hard and does things to help her self in a difficult situations and does not going out clubbing every night although she seabed some enjoyment! But she needed reassurance the other day and she wanted it from her mum, and she didn't get that instead she got shouted at and told not to go back to the family home (she won't apologise for that either) that was actually very unsettling for her.

I want my mum there but she's told me that isn't a place in her life for me or siblings at the moment - my siblings have done nothing and all I did was get married - so for the moment I do very much plan on enjoying my marriage. its just hard somethime when it's your mum.

[maggie91 in reply to Lils30]

I'm sorry that it is such difficult situation but remember, in these times, life is uncertain. Live for today, you don't know what tomorrow will bring. You can't do anything about past, it's past. Forgive and forget. We all need to love one another. Don't stress over things you have no control over. You can't change people. You can only change yourself.