hello there people it's nice to visit the website and read how others are getting along with there journey.
today whilst I sit and squander and continue to live in a world of comfort , this may be an update from my last situation.
Since my last situation - I have taken a gap year. things have changed quite a bit - i'm working , i'm semi - happy there is a long way still to go. my compulsions still exist but are somewhat relaxed - maybe too relaxed. I'd like to thank any person that had given me advice from the past. it all helped.
I now face the difficult decision of whether to back to uni or just stay in my now normal life. I have progressed so far. Just yesterday I took a look in the shed. The shed? the shed and the attic lied all my compulsive hoarding crap. I could not believe that was me! it was disgusting and fairly unsanitary but before - in the past I couldn't see what was important. I now can. I threw it all away - I should have been locked up - it was bad -and that was my past. I won't stress the pictures on your eyes - some things can't be unseen but it was and serves as a cruel reminder what happens when you go psycho and search for control. I still have OCD, I was diagnosed by a level fou psychiatrist and the results were all I had hoped for.
I hope this serves as some form of inspiration.
Just the other day I thought about going back to uni. I thought about learning and all the gems of getting a uni degree. but I cannot and do not want a throw-away degree - last year I got a first. To me that is enough. But it is summer - summer I want to do great things - live euphoria etc etc. winter I hate - it's slow / same for everybody probably. going back to uni is a great idea - a very soothing idea , but in my current calm state I couldn't even possibly - I'm healthier, not a control freak anymore/ as much. What scares me though, is the idea if i go back to uni - it'll happen again (the ocd psychotic side). It's weird that the time when I was most mad - people saw me as the most normal - go figure! I suppose nobody saw what was coming with Robbin Williams (RIP).
The other day I even thought of having kids - I hate kids - massively - it was part of my ocd avoidance - it just reminds me of a time when I was powerless (scares me).
So here I am clearer than I've ever been I work a stressful shitty job - live in a completely mad house, and unsure whether uni is what I want. I fell out with my Dad , I smoked - he hated it - my ocd sent everybody in the house mental! since, I don't live with my dad he moved out - he is very disappointed in me. it felt as though we were always trying to compete - i'd always lash out at him and vice-versa. Not important since he moved out! but for some reason when we fell out - things had never been greater - it was like a wakeup call - SONNY you are on your own.
Starting talking to him again - It's reversing itself - do i ignore him forever?
This innate desire to make our parents proud - when he said I should go back to uni! I felt as though I should but the person I became must NEVER be repeated - so very unlikely.
It's a real shame to feel as though I've let my friends / family down and as though that feeling will follow me always. But my attitude towards it wasn't correct anyway - "when I've finished my degree everything can go back to normal" - kind of the way it is now.
Well what a rant/contradiction/validationseek, any life advices, people? to help me with my journey and help to become organised again? What I fear most is my old life - I had friends (that weren't friends) , I had/ was constantly in fear, unable to show creativity, very uncomfortable - now I have the reverse - no friends (proper friends you see all the time), still in fear - but mania/euphoria too, creativity = awesome, and very comfortable and impulsive. The idea of possibility is nice enough to step out comfort zone - but I just can't.
WOW IF I WERE READING THIS, I AM SORRY!