firstly - apologies in advance for the long post and thank you for taking the time to read it and reply (if you do!).
The crux is - I don't know what to do. I have issues with depression, extremely low self esteem and anxiety. I have pushed away everyone I know and try to minimize my human contact. I wont speak on the phone to anyone except family and 1 colleague I work with. They make all official calls on my behalf as i cannot talk to strangers even for things like utility bills or the bank.
To clarify - I am not suicidal - I never have thoughts about "doing myself in" or "I'd be better off dead." I want to enjoy life not escape it.
I can get on with things and I do work, I go out with my daughter and take her places. We go on holiday. I'm not afraid of people or what they think of me while they are strangers. but I find after years of not speaking to people I cant speak to them now.
I could probably just about bring myself to go to my GP but I don't want a medical record that shows I'm suffering from or have suffered from depression. I am a single father who had to fight for custody even though my ex-wife kidnapped my child and went abroad and made up all sorts to try to swing things her way. I had lawyers order psychologists to exam me and my medical records looking for history of depression or violence or self-harm. Prior to this I'd never been depressed so there was nothing to block my custody but now I am I'm too scared to have it on record.
This divorce and custody process left me so scarred that I stopped going to the doctors when I should have .When I tried dating again after it, the first rejection I had shut me off for good. I've not socialised for 4-5 years now with anyone. I just work, and try to raise my daughter. I put on a brave face for her but as she gets older she notices that I don't have friends. I cant bring myself to even chat to neighbours or other parents at the school. I've forgotten all that it is to have an adult conversation. I do my best to rise above it for my daughters sake, to put on a brave face and talk and I barely get past it - I know this is the way in - the fix - to push this boundary - but every time I speak to someone I have massive anxiety rushes. I shake uncontrollably and it takes days to recover. when I try to face it I fail.
I don't want drugs as a treatment. I don't know if I could speak to a therapist as I am terrified it being marked on my record should my ex ever try to gain custody back. About a year ago a dermatologist consultant put me in touch with a depression charity and I spoke to them about mydepression but ended up hanging up 1/2 way through my first appointment as I felt the person on the other end was leading me on to statements (tbh I didn't think they sounded qualified to do their job). Even though it was voluntary when I said I wasn't having the problem they thought I was (i.e. going out in public which I'm quite happy to do) and I wanted to stop they said it would go on record that I'd refused their help. I don't think I've used the phone to speak to a stranger since
Do therapists do text Skype sessions as I think this may be the only option open to me that I stand a chance of not sabotaging.