Has infertility made you isolated? Has it made it harder to share your emotions?

[Moving]

Does infertility make you feel more isolated as time goes by?

I feel like this is such a huge part of my life but it isn't something i can openly talk about... as a result of being 'stung' in the past I more hesitant to share.

Yet, when I speak to someone who has been through this, or is going through this, in any kind of way I feel like they get it, no judgement... almost as though i can take a deep breath of the freshest air.

I also find it much harder to share my emotions and deal with the pain inside on some of my darkest moments...

[Chandler18]

I see myself completely in what you’ve just wrote.

I’m not infertile, however my husband has Azoospermia. I can’t speak to my friends about it because they have absolutely no idea (not being harsh in any way). I actually feel like I can’t speak to my husband about it Rainer as he just shuts down and doesn’t converse with me about it. He just throws the “get a donor” card at me.

We don’t even know if it’s genetic or a blockage because he’s scared of the blood tests.

I feel so alone. Thank you for posting this 😘

[Moving]

Hi Chandler.. that must be so tough... what a difficult position to be in... I do feel the same with my husband in that he’s way of coping/dealing with it is very different to me but I get conscious we won’t be able to lean on one another ...

I do think, as hard as it is (facing investigations is a whole emotional rollercoaster in itself) that it’s better to know what your dealing with and whether there are options because you never know

I’ve always thought with my PCOS it’s not going to happen for me but the first lot of tests proved otherwise but now after a miscarriage it’s taken so much out of me to will myself to start the journey again

My mantra is the end will justify the means in some way... because it has too!

I’m glad this post helped you but I must stress how much you sharing has helped me too!

Sending lots of love your way x

[Chandler18]

It is tough, to the point it’s all I think about these days. I struggle to pluck the courage to mention it to him so all my thoughts and questions have been written into a letter. I just need the courage to give him that instead. It might sound silly but I suppose, like you mentioned, it’s a different way of coping.

I hope you get back on that journey and welcome a whole new reason to fight into your lives.

Thank you for sharing.

The end will justify the means in some way 😘

[Moving in reply to Chandler18]

I think you will feel so much relief when you communicate how you feel with him... I know no matter how difficult it is I always feel a lot happier when I let it out and say what I need to him to ensure have a more open communication channel

Thank you! I hope you feel better and say what you need to! X

[hannahding]

Your posts are so relatable. I think I prefer to be alone now. I am scared of people asking me questions regarding my family. Like, how many children I have etc. It hurts so much. Yes close family members are there for support but no one really understands what you are going through. Therefore, then I prefer that I stay at home with my dog and my husband. This way I don't have to face anyone. One of the reasons why I joined this forum as well.

[Moving in reply to hannahding]

I relate to the fear... I really do more so for the pain it causes!

How long have you been trying? Have you thought about talking to a professional? To give you some 1-1 quality time

[hannahding in reply to Moving]

I have been trying since 2015. I am visiting a fertility specialist since 2016. He has not been that helpful. I am thinking about visiting someone else at this point. It just gets harder and harder. I am more emotional these days than usual. This is because my second round of IUI also didn't work for us. So I am really disappointed at myself.

[Moving in reply to hannahding]

*sending you a virtual cuddle* ... it’s so hard to get yourself ready emotionally and mentally but one thing for sure is this isn’t your fault ... please don’t be disappointed at yourself .. I say this because I feel like I’ve spent years doing the same and the one thing clear on this forum is we can’t be responsible for this... there are too many kind, genuine people here and I don’t believe they all deserve this pain! This journey is much more difficult then some but have faith in it will come together .. someone said something to me recently that resonated ... that if I can’t look after myself for my own needs then think of my body and mind as my baby’s home ... that I would be doing it for that baby I so desperately want and I say that now to you

I hope that gives you some form of comfort, even if slight!

[Katty_Holz in reply to hannahding]

Oh yeah, perpetual fear. At office, at get together, at christmas parties... it just torments me emotionally to hear about babies, everyone's babies... when I'm struggling to have mine. Basically, most of the time I find myself scurrying out with a fake smile on my face and some alibi. Tired of doing the same thing over and over again for past couple of years. Hide-outs are more peaceful these days!

[Moving in reply to Katty_Holz]

It’s crazy how much you notice it and feel suffocated by the pain sometimes when you can’t get pregnant ... when you don’t see that ultimate positive on a strip !!

What’s worse is, on top of this battle and minefield is we so far have all felt that hiding out and avoiding both family and friends seeks more comfort

[Katty_Holz in reply to Moving]

Yes, it's like that... I can totally relate to it. It's hard to cope with the failures on the first place and then people just shove in some deliberate awkward consolation. I have a neibour like that... she has 4 kids. Everytime I see her all she asks is.. if there's any good news... be it when I happen to pass by while shopping groceries or just accidentally bump into her during morning jogs.

Why it's so hard to understand that deliberately asking such question might just upset someone who've been trying but failing at it. I guess, when you have a kid of your own you forget to comprehend that sometimes even showing care could work the other way for someone struggling emotionally. Even at work women talk about their kids. I don't wanna sound like a sociopath, but when there's someone who couldn't relate to whatever you're discussing and probably that'll only upset her can't they pick another regular topic. It's not that they don't know... the frequent leaves or half-days for checkups should give it in... plus I do confide in them so that they can cover for the work when I'm not in the right frame of mind. What it takes to be a little sensible.

[Moving in reply to Katty_Holz]

Wow so much of what you’ve wrote resonated... without seeming repetitive it is true ... I really do feel your pain... it can be frustrating and it is hard in a work environment too when they know like you said ... I suppose the only way forward is too accept the emotions you feel... not to run from them and when it gets too much type it all out on a blog post ... because no matter what , we all have our bad days, moments or even weeks.. and even though your in pain... that pain can help someone else feel less lonely and sane!

It’s such a painful rollercoaster but hold on to the chance that it can change for you ... like it can for us all ... we have to try to not let it consume us ... everyone always seems to say don’t stress about it ... it’s the worse thing for you but like you’ve pointed out whether it be neighbours or at work .... there is no escape .. so be each other’s safety net and comfort blanket ... sending you a big hug xx

[Katty_Holz]

I can totally relate to everything you wrote down girl. Infertility is the new definition of hell I believe. Yes, we do tend to get isolated, I did, a lot of women on the forums complain they did too. What can you do really, when the women at office, neighbours who are blessed mothers or anyone expecting in the family makes you frustrated, irritated and a total miserable... I don't know what to do than to stay away. Yes, no one will understand probably unless they have has the same sting. I don't know what gives straingers the notion or why do they even be judgemental without knowing me enough to think that not having kids is voluntary with me. Well it's not. I've tried everything I could and now they say surrogacy is the only way.... but we're not ready for it yet. Been there lived it, gave up and then realised we need it all so bad that has to resume TTC. I know with my kind of problem it will be a miracle to get pregnant with the normal TTC, but we can't just sit it out and abandon our dreams of having a family.... it's better to keep trying instead till we're ready for the ultimate move. Wish all you ladies out there fighting with infertility strength, love and lot's of good luck!

[Moving in reply to Katty_Holz]

Wow “new definition of hell” is so spot on in its own way!! There really is a strong notion is voluntary, I hate that your told by everyone you shouldn’t stress, when the hardest part is to try and switch off and are constantly asked! More so with strangers “your X years old and not pregnant? “You’ve been married for X years and don’t have a child?!” Like these thoughts don’t cross your own mind every second of every day! ... hats off to your determination because that in itself is so hard.. I really hope this time round it happens for you... sending you all that love strength and luck right back at you! X

[Katty_Holz in reply to Moving]

I bet the questions are like stings! I was just writing that on your previous comment.... how hard it is to cope with the insensible people around. Sometimes that's what forces you into the oblivion of dissapointent and depression than actually the unfortunate incidents of failing at TTCs and other advanced fertility aid. I'm glad the forum are there... it's a respite.

[Gloriarroyo]

Hi Moving

I am sorry to learn that infertility is making it difficult for you to lead a normal life. You have said that it is making you feel even more isolated than before. That you really find it difficult to talk to someone who is going through this and freely discuss issues. You have also said that it is working on your emotions. My dear this should not be the case. In fact, the more you talk about infertility the more you are ready to accept the condition. In fact, you can only get helped if you share your journey with others. Now that you have opened up and talked to us about it, let me tell you a few things that you do not know. That Infertility is no longer as big as it used to be a few decades ago. IVF, IUI, and surrogacy are some of the options that people who face the problem have. Most of the couples who listen and have taken the right steps have been able to overcome the challenges and are now leading a happy life. IVF, in particular, has been very instrumental in helping couples who cannot conceive get children. It is effective in going around the infertility problem. Notice that already, there are over 500,000 children who have been born. The first IVF child was born in 1976 and he is now a mature man. He is going on with his life normally. It has given hope where there was none and so you no longer have to worry about infertility.

[Moving in reply to Gloriarroyo]

Dear Gloriarroyo, Thank you so much for taking the time to try and make me feel more better... Those facts do really help but i think i don't doubt the success stories as i have seen them first hand, i guess its the emotional turmoil you go through... since writing the above post i have actually had therapy and started to open some huge barriers

x

[Bessiejames]

Yes, it is harder to share your emotions. Especially after being gone through infertility. I too hesitated. Because this does not happen in common. So yeah it is a big thing. But do you know? These things are just here to test our determination. Our courage.

[Moving in reply to Bessiejames]

Dear BessieJames,

I agree 100% with your statement, i think i have always been one of the most positive people but this started to edge away at my personality, but after years i am finally started to come to terms with it... hope you are on a positive part of your journey too

[Daury]

Infertility was the difficult phase of my life. I used locked my self in my room for hours. Infertility is the curse and most difficult to bear. But its life, you need to be brave enough to face these hardtimes. I went to Europe for my treatment. A prominent clinic really helped me a lot. Now I am a happy mother of two beautiful daughters. It is really great that a quality clinic is running in Europe.

[Moving in reply to Daury]

Dear Daury, I am sorry you had to go through so much but it is so nice to hear you have come out on the other end - that gives me hope!

[andylins]

I think I know what you mean. Infertility knocks us out from normal ordinary life. And it does isolate people from world and from each other..The best friend over this whole infertility trip has always been my dh. He saw my tears/fears/desperation but never told he was tired. He kept on saying we'd do it, no other way. Being it soon or late, he believed in the success even when I truly couldn't..I know how it feels not being able to share thoughts with friends of yours, 'cause the only thing they might do is to sympathize you.. But I didn't want this. I didn't want them to be compassionate and hearing ''god love you poor thing..''every other time I said we had bfn again..Our last de ivf cycle was completely different..We thought we'd tell noone around about we were going to use donor egg. Not mentioning support groups on the internet 'cause it's always easier to hide behind the screen and probably find some lovelies sharing your very pain..This is why places like this are so useful for us. We're here to support each other. We aren't afraid here to be misunderstood or blamed or shamed. We're battling the same curse.

[Moving in reply to andylins]

Dear Andy, Sorry for any pain you have yourself been through, 'curse' really is the right word, it warms me that your support system is your spouse, its so eye opening reading peoples comments here to see how it impacts couples/individuals in different ways yet the crux is the same - the pain in not being able to start a family, which for some is so natural and doesn't take any prep at all!

I appreciate you sharing and hope you have some good news soon x

[JanetteMarvin]

Hey dear, totally understand and support you. I always know I have hormonal imbalance but few years ago they diagnosed me a neglected form of endometriosis. Only after that I fully realized I will never have children by my own. But my husband watched my grief and convinced me to join surrogacy program, and very soon I will have a child! Hun, if you wanna talk you can always call for my support or tell about any disturbing issues, just write me via email: [e-mail]. Look forward to hearing from you soon!

[Moving in reply to JanetteMarvin]

Dear Janette, What a kind soul you are! Thank you so much for your email address, it means more than you will ever know! I am so happy to hear about your good news, good on your other half for helping you to get there too!

I took a break from social media, including this forum and really spent the last few months reevaluating myself and i am finally in a better place... my journey is still to happen but i havent lost hope just yet x

[Mel77]

Yes, it did! I felt like more than isolated. I felt crushed, ruined and completely destroyed. The first thing we got to know was that the problem was in me. Dh is absolutely ok. I had luteal phase deffect and remember I began to seek help from those in the same boat on different boards. I kept on reading from people ''this is not the big issue''. or ''you just have to add some progesterone and you'll conceive naturally'' or some other thing showig all they didn't care much how I actually felt at that time. This made me feel even worse. I understood I didn't want anyone know a thing about me. And hid behind the screen for long, not posting, just readig others' comments. This way I felt more safe from silly judgements. Then dr made me pass more testings. Told us we had 10% chance of conceiving with OE..That sounded too little, so we didn't give this a try. On the contrary invested all our savings into ''guaranteed'' donor egg cycles abroad. We had the coverage of success or money refund. frankly speaking, this did put our mind at ease, 'cause we knew we'd benefit in every case.

[andylins in reply to Mel77]

..Things started to get real and fast. We went shopping for some stuff and picked which room could be the nursery. We started to plan. It was surreal! My sister hosted a baby shower which I insisted be small, because I had hated showers for so long I was not even sure I wanted one at all. We got a crib and that was a real game changer for us. That made it real. We were so excited. We picked out names. Suddenly the years of suffering (which left scares) seemed a distant memory..

[Moving in reply to andylins]

I am giving you a virtual hug... your words resonate with me in such a way, I’m sure so many people can unfortunately relate to your post.. and in some way I hope that gives you comfort... your not alone

[Moving]

Dear Mel, Sorry to hear how this impacted you, that is heartbreaking but so happy for you to take another option, that gives you the security you need, thats the thing with Infertility, there are so many forms, so many routes its about doing what you need with courage, and you clearly have!

Sending you all the best wishes x