How can you remain hopeful? How can you not lose sight of you? How can you not let this define you?

[Moving]

This is the first time i have ever written a post on this site.. i feel both comforted in knowing there are others out there going through this roller coaster journey and pained that it impacts so many of us... I have so many emotions daily related to this, its PMT x 10.. But how do you stay hopeful? I have always been the positive person, in my childhood, in my professional life and at home.. now i feel facets of me are fading with every year that goes by and every birthday that passes... that is no longer a celebration but a reminder that my changes are slimming...

I read articles, try meditation and generally feel i am quite self aware and yet there is something in my heart, its something i can not comprehend or voice but its a void... How can you stay hopeful when every time you period comes it just reminds you of how far you have to go... I love my spouse with my whole heart but sometimes the fear and pain of not becoming pregnant stops me from wanting to make love... I have never voiced this but its easier to hide behind a screen.... Does anyone else have these feelings?

[JustKnewIt]

Oh, honey! So much grief in your post..Just can't leave without words of encouragement. It hard to find the right words to support you but I'll try. As we are so different. For example time ago I couldn't here sth like 'You've still got a plenty of time!' and 'It will happen!' Those both made me cry each time though I knew people wanted to support me. I've never been open about my health issues, letting them be my personal struggle. I mean friends, colleagues, neighbours. This was defenitely none of their business. Fertility boards were the safest for me. I could be understood by people sailing in the same boat with me and never be judged of my 'deffects'. I've never seen kind ladies supporting me live, but I knew they were there for me any time I felt lost. I'm on the other side of the fence now, but do feel every nerve & pain troubleconceiving causes you. Our cases differ. I've always known I'll never get pregnant on my own -- never!!! I was born without a womb. It's hard to say how low I felt when my partner proposed me years ago..I burst into tears & was hard to stop that crying. He knew about my issues. He made decision we'll get out of this together. He proposed his carefree life to me and this was ME who was going to spoil it! - This is what I thought at the moment and felt I was so extremelly right. OMG, how mistaken I was. My dh has always been amazing! He didn't put this journey off, once saying 'Well, enough resting -- let's do the thing!' I was astonished how confident he felt about this, and, you know, he shared this feeling with me. My inner part kept on saying we'll have kids. So we both spent every spare min to look for options. Underwent needed testings, talked to experienced people, consulted fertility experts, found several clinics then finally stopped at one overseas. That very single call changed our lives forever. We went surrogacy route. Our embryo was implanted in the summer 2013. Sweet Laria was born weighing 8 lb 12 oz by planned Caesarean on March,17, 2014 and I was at surrogate's side in the operating room. The thing I want to say is that there's always chance to get thigs right. We should use it. No matter how strange and weird and hopeful things might seem - we're strong enough to deal with them. I'm sending my huge supportive hugs to you, dear, saying you should investigate the reasons why it's not happening first. With that you'll get a step closer to your aim. I'm here for you. Be strong, lovely! XX

[Moving in reply to JustKnewIt]

Wow! Thank you for your words of encouragement and sharing your remarkable story...

I honestly can relate to your reactions to those comments... they can bring so much pain even when they are not meant in that way!

To hear how you and your partner turned everything around when you knew the struggle from the beginning is so enlightening and gives me hope! It’s helped me to put things in perspective in some way so I thank you again!

Appreciate your hugs and am sending warm ones right back! Xx

[quieturban in reply to JustKnewIt]

Something that nicest people go through the hardest sorrows. But in the end it’s the most beautiful thing ever.

[Moving in reply to quieturban]

That's very true... i am holding my breath to see a glimmer of something good come my way but let's see.

[Karinyaa]

Hello, Moving! As your screen name says you're the one who never stops and this is great anyway. Even though it's easier for you at this very step to 'hide behind a screen' Let me hug you virtually, hun. You're doing so right applying to more people on board who won't let you alone with your troubles. I don't know the details, but I guess you can still count on natural conceiving. As far as I've understood you haven't made this to dr's infertility investigations level, though I might be mistaken. If I'm not, then you are lucky even whilst having this hope to cope on yourself. Some of my infertility history goes like this. Married with dh for 10 years, 2 of which spent ttc. Dh had low sperm count and motility. Among the options we tried were IUI & ICSI shots. They brought no luck leaving us childless alone with our grief. I thoght this was the end of the story and that we had to take the things as they were. Got some bad news. Dr told us we couldn't use my eggs any more as the verdict of conceiving with them was less than 5% which I knew was too low. In plain words, use donor egg or forget about conceiving at all. It's so hard to find words to tell you what we were feeling then. My entire world had crushed. The only thing I was supposed to do in my life, my only wish of having a baby was disappearing. I was feeling broken I could do nothing about this and my genes were going to die with me..Another thing was taking a stranger's eggs..I thought I could never let it go. Having my head stuck with all those thoughts I had to take some time off job. I could never stand people sympathizing me, telling, poor thing we know how it feels. Don't worry you'll have a baby. You can count on us (still no idea in what way..) I know they didn't want to hurt me and these were just efforts to support me, but for my ear it didn't sound endurable..I wanted to hide from all of them. I wanted nobody to say a single word of this 'support' to me. The best way I found out for me was hiding 'behind a screen' like you're doing now..I'm here with you, dear, lovely, strong Moving. I dont know how the thought of using donor eggs came into my mind. I cannot recollect any special episodes leading me to this decision. But we did use donor egg, and we did become prego with our boy though from the 3rd attempt only. All our previous blasties went away in peace and love. I feel like I began loving them all, my tiny beans, my hope sparklings even when we weren't to ivf at all. Cannot describe this feeling..just loved them all..My little son is the only one I can pass all my love to now..Dear Moving, if you're feeling any of these tough moments be sure I'm sharing it all with you. I hope you feel much better, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hug you, lovely bravie! X

[Moving in reply to Karinyaa]

Karinyaa, thank you for taking the time to share your remarkable story and words of encouragement... your journey genuinely made me emotional ... Yes, for now i think we can count on natural conceiving, i went through investigations a few years ago. We were told we had unexplained infertility and then just as we were choosing which IVF hospital we would use i fell pregnant. Unfortunately after 11 weeks i lost the baby and at the same time i also had a big family fall out with my family due to the lack of trust and support so since then it took a lot out of me emotionally to not only start trying but to also have those same investigations. With my age and PCOS I have a lot of fear that it wont be able to happen but am trying to work past my issues and not let this consume me. So awaiting to have my HSG scan again and get the ball rolling .. but you make such a valid point about the comments of those around us, as much as you try to focus on it coming from a nice place it, it has the complete opposite effect. It leaves you feeling isolated and as though you are defined by this but its so nice to hear there are journeys that turn around like yours.

I am so incredibly happy for you.. you deserved that happiness and send a huge cuddle to you and your son! x

[hannahding]

Your post made me emotional. Infertility isn't an easy journey to be on. There are days I don't want to do anything and cry over my bad fate. Other days I am on my feet ready to give my OB another visit. I guess that is what life is when you are suffering from infertility. However, the thing that is really important is to be hopeful. One should never stop believing in themselves. Keep trying and hope for the best. One thing that I do in order to overcome such feelings is do yoga. It helps in keeping me calm and positive. I think on this journey negativity from others is the biggest factor why we feel so sad. Now I have come into terms with myself that when it will happen it will happen. No one can stop it from happening. I just have to be a firm believer of that. Sending baby dust your way.

[Moving in reply to hannahding]

Dear Hannah, thank you for your kind words of support and especially the baby dust, i send some back to you too!

I completely understand how your mood can completely change, and that is what blows me away, the way in which it can consume all your inner emotions. Its such a battle in itself that unless you are going through it, you really cant understand, its like we have our very own language.

I hope your hand changes and soon you become pregnant... the waiting game can be so tough but you are right - you have to find some way to believe it will happen... I have now begun looking into Yoga classes, currently i do Pilates which does help keep me focused because of all the multi tasking but i just can not wait for a test to tell me - Pregnant!

Sending you a hug and positive vibes! x

[SerrineV]

I'm not in similar to your case. We did try using donor egg with IVF in Kyiv, BTC.. Donor eggs were of the same race. Moreover, our clinic gave us the opportunity to choose among the donors. They've got really huge egg donor database. All their profiles got available after signing the contracts. Including photos, brief interview. Also info on education, hobbies, likes and dislikes etc. As this was me who was gonna loose genetic relation, then at least I wanted my kid to look like me. So we searched for the similar characteristics in donors.

I didn't know how our LO would look like in future. But the thing I know for sure was that I'd be open with him about how he was conceived and born. When time comes I hope I will find some sincere words to explain this all to him. It would be much worse than a stranger says sth like ''You aren't their son'' etc. We have to get safe from this possibility by telling honestly to our kids. This is my personal opinion. Hope you'll find the best solution for you. All the best.