Infertility Support
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Emotionally upset with infertility treatments

My husband and I have had a roller coaster ride over the last few years on the issue of having children. The scars have been more mental than physical. We have been through 4 failed IVF attempts, considered adoption and when nothing has worked, we are now seriously into surrogacy. But I am unable to come to terms with it. Are these natural, donor eggs and labs and tests and another mother for my baby? I am feeling very depressed. Can anybody put all these things in proper perspective?

13 Replies

I do understand your concerns and it can be traumatic if not handled properly. I have had a child of my own before but later in life my husband and I decided to pursue surrogacy for another baby. It is true, the process of surrogacy takes away the intimacy of having children between couples and makes it such an open affair with so many people involved – the egg donor, the lab technician, the surrogate mother and the doctors. Beautiful moments of conception are turned into a production line scenario. But that’s the way it is if you cannot conceive through the natural process.


My case is a bit different from yours. My surrogacy program had my own egg and my DH’s sperm so we had the satisfaction of being the biological parents of our baby. Further, we kept close contact with the GC and every passing week, we did feel a close bond with our baby as we watched it grow in the GC. She was also open about it, her friends and family knew who the IP was and we developed a great degree of closeness. This helped to ease the pain of surrogacy somewhat.


Honey, is it hard for you to think that the other woman's going to carry the child, who's actually yours? It should be hard and I've never been through this kind of things. But I would think of her as of a blessing! When there's no other way, isn't it a miracle that the other woman is able to carry YOUR child? :) Maybe you can find any communities for surrogate mothers, to kind of get closer with them. I think it can be a relief if you talk to them. Maybe they can share their stories, feelings, experiences.

I know it's painful. It's totally unfair that some of us can't get pregnant!!! But I think if we turn for help we should trust those who are helping us. It doesn't happen right away. So I'd suggest to make a step forward towards ladies, who can give a birth to YOUR child.



Hi Nancy, firstly you've made it this far after an extremely difficult journey, so well done! Secondly remember what you had before this journey and what you still have - a loving partner, supportive family, a job you enjoy, whatever that maybe. Never lose sight of all the good things in your life - this journey doesn't have to define you. You're about so much more!

Lastly and I hope you don't mind me saying this, have you considered counselling? Most large employers offer it for free or your GP might. I'm doing it after 5 losses, as it's just such a lot to deal with. I'd recommend it :) Take care and be kind to yourself, this is a difficult time but you WILL come out the other side I promise!

Natalie x


hi! Indeed, sometimes it's difficult to fight with an unbearable sadness when the hands go down. I like to say in such cases: I know that the problem is great. But compared to me it's negligible. And you must be 100% sure of your abilities. I had the same story. Nothing concrete was revealed, only expensive preparations were prescribed. I drank pills three or four months. Then again. And time quickly goes away. I did not want to lose it on incomprehensible diagnoses. Then I was just afraid to get into a place where the doctorse need only my money. I wanted to find really professionals. So we are ripe to the planning center. I searched for a long time, until my friend advised one European clinic. She after 5 years of infertility got to Kiev and try surrogacy. At first I doubted, and then I decided to go too. After all, there is such an opportunity to finally see my baby. Now it remains for me to find surrogative mother. Write me if you need more information. By the way, a friend who offered to visit this clinic, a week ago saw to her daughter. Good luck!


Hi there! I'm happy for your luck. Thought I could add. Found this somewhere before on the internet. Thought it might be helpful.~

How does surrogacy in Ukraine work?

Available to heterosexual, married couples able to prove they cannot carry a baby themselves for medical reasons. Among those absence of a womb (Inborn or acquired). Deformation of the uterus, making pregnancy and delivery impossible. Synechi of womb cavity, which cannot be cured. Somatic diseases, which prevent carrying a pregnancy, by putting the women’s health or life at risk. Unsuccessful IVF attempts (Minimum 4) with embryos of high quality. At least one parent must have a genetic link to the baby. Egg donors are frequently used. Costs vary ranging from $30k-$45k on average. The paying parents are on the Ukrainian birth certificate. The surrogate has no legal right to claim custody of the baby. It is estimated about 500 surrogacies may be happening every year.


Hey dear. I understand what you're going through. Surrogacy is a great solution. To answer your question, there are multiple options available. You can use your own eggs or a donor's. This depends upon whether you can be stimulated or not. These are fertilized with ur partner's sperm. If unavailable, then you can opt for a donor again. These are then implanted in a surrogate mother. That is the summary of surrogacy.


Hey Nancy! The effects of infertility and failure in treatments always have negative effects on our mentality. It is because we think too much about this and we are tired of not being able to conceive. Surrogacy is the best choice that you have made. You will be successful in this. I am telling you this because today I am a mother just because of surrogacy. All the best.


Hello Nancy,

Welcome to our board. My heart just breaks that you have had to deal with so much. One of my relatives had contact with some non profit public organizations surrogacy and IVF consulting. If you want I can share the more information about this. I hope you are able to find your surrogate angel very soon. Please do not depress and consult with best doctor as early as possible.

Take care nancy.

Good Luck !!


Hi nancy_diggs,

Just came across your post and wanted to say something.

Firstly big hugs to you both. I know how hard it can be.. My husband and I have been through it 5 times now with no success and lots of frustration. Every time I got a negative, it chipped a little part of me away.

Good on you for trying to ways to support yourselves, it's such a difficult thing to go through. Please remember, you'll be feeling all the disappointment, but you are also on a lot of hormones and medication. You just can not stress enough, that stuff messes with your head!!! Every time I've been on the hormones, I've been a crazy woman. Every round of IVF has felt like physical and mental torture. So going through that over and over, and seeing now results is souls destroying.

Please consider counselling as well. Your clinic will offer it to you, take it. Go with your wife and book a session together. Then go separately if you feel you need to. You need support too, so you can stray strong for her also.

I would also recommend you to seek out for surrogacyinfo on the internet and check the surrogacy processes they provide which most importantly are really cheaper comparatively and guaranteed success.

I really wish you both well, whatever you decide to do.

Good Luck :)


I can definitely relate to ivf nightmares. Married with dh for 10 years, 2 of which spent ttc. Dh had low sperm count and motility. My dx: severe endo. Among the options we tried were IUI & ICSI shots. They brought no luck leaving us childless alone with our grief. I thoght this was the end of the story and that we had to take the things as they were. Got some bad news. Dr told us we couldn't use my eggs any more as the verdict of conceiving with them was too low. In plain words, use donor egg or forget about conceiving at all. It's so hard to find words to tell you what we were feeling then. My entire world had crushed. The only thing I was supposed to do in my life, my only wish of having a baby was disappearing. I was feeling broken I could do nothing about this and my genes were going to die with me..Another thing was taking a stranger's eggs..I thought I could never let it go. Having my head stuck with all those thoughts I had to take some time off job. I could never stand people sympathizing me, telling, poor thing we know how it feels. Don't worry you'll have a baby. You can count on us (still no idea in what way..) I know they didn't want to hurt me and these were just efforts to support me, but for my ear it didn't sound endurable..I wanted to hide from all of them. I wanted nobody to say a single word of this 'support' to me. We passed de ivf in Ukraine. Signed 5 cycles package for ~10k euro. With that very package they guaranteed a life birth or money paid back. As you know we'd already experienced IUI and ICSI failed cycles with own eggs. So decided this option was going to be more effective for us. We underwent 3 shots actually. Each time placing back 2 nice healthy blasts. Only one of them survived resulting in a baby boy. As far as I know couples are qualified for surrogacy differently within the countries. A huge investigation on the whole process should be done. I think for me this would be the last option to count on with infertility procedures. But it is worthy anyway.


Hello, hun! Infertility is an experience that continually fluctuates in intensity and direction, so at different times you may have different needs and experience different emotions. There are no set ‘stages’ in this experience … There may be moments when being infertile dictates every facet of your life, whilst at other times you may act to change the direction of your life. The way you learn to deal with the experience of infertility will also be different at different times. Whatever your choice is my heart is with you. But if it is surrogacy then I'll strongly recommend you to visit, you'll find loads of useful info there. Wishing you the best x


Hi, wanted to wish you good luck!

All of my local friends were having babies in quick succession. I was happy for them but every announcement caused real pain too as I was infertile myself. We passed failed iui and icsi cycles. Following 3 de ivf shots were no doubt difficult to go through. Ivf#1 failed with bfn. Ivf#2 ended with early miscarriage which completely broke my heart into pieces. I knew this was my rainbow and lost it..2 more little beans which never saw this world..Gosh, I was going insane. Ivf#3 - got such a long awaited success, I got prego with my boy. Cases differ. Just wanna say we should be strong and patient when going to our aims. Will you tell us, what stage with surrogacy are you at? Where are you going to pass it?


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