Emotionally upset with infertility treatments

My husband and I have had a roller coaster ride over the last few years on the issue of having children. The scars have been more mental than physical. We have been through 4 failed IVF attempts, considered adoption and when nothing has worked, we are now seriously into surrogacy. But I am unable to come to terms with it. Are these natural, donor eggs and labs and tests and another mother for my baby? I am feeling very depressed. Can anybody put all these things in proper perspective?

10 Replies

  • I do understand your concerns and it can be traumatic if not handled properly. I have had a child of my own before but later in life my husband and I decided to pursue surrogacy for another baby. It is true, the process of surrogacy takes away the intimacy of having children between couples and makes it such an open affair with so many people involved – the egg donor, the lab technician, the surrogate mother and the doctors. Beautiful moments of conception are turned into a production line scenario. But that’s the way it is if you cannot conceive through the natural process.

  • My case is a bit different from yours. My surrogacy program had my own egg and my DH’s sperm so we had the satisfaction of being the biological parents of our baby. Further, we kept close contact with the GC and every passing week, we did feel a close bond with our baby as we watched it grow in the GC. She was also open about it, her friends and family knew who the IP was and we developed a great degree of closeness. This helped to ease the pain of surrogacy somewhat.

  • Honey, is it hard for you to think that the other woman's going to carry the child, who's actually yours? It should be hard and I've never been through this kind of things. But I would think of her as of a blessing! When there's no other way, isn't it a miracle that the other woman is able to carry YOUR child? :) Maybe you can find any communities for surrogate mothers, to kind of get closer with them. I think it can be a relief if you talk to them. Maybe they can share their stories, feelings, experiences.

    I know it's painful. It's totally unfair that some of us can't get pregnant!!! But I think if we turn for help we should trust those who are helping us. It doesn't happen right away. So I'd suggest to make a step forward towards ladies, who can give a birth to YOUR child.


  • Hi Nancy, firstly you've made it this far after an extremely difficult journey, so well done! Secondly remember what you had before this journey and what you still have - a loving partner, supportive family, a job you enjoy, whatever that maybe. Never lose sight of all the good things in your life - this journey doesn't have to define you. You're about so much more!

    Lastly and I hope you don't mind me saying this, have you considered counselling? Most large employers offer it for free or your GP might. I'm doing it after 5 losses, as it's just such a lot to deal with. I'd recommend it :) Take care and be kind to yourself, this is a difficult time but you WILL come out the other side I promise!

    Natalie x

  • hi! Indeed, sometimes it's difficult to fight with an unbearable sadness when the hands go down. I like to say in such cases: I know that the problem is great. But compared to me it's negligible. And you must be 100% sure of your abilities. I had the same story. Nothing concrete was revealed, only expensive preparations were prescribed. I drank pills three or four months. Then again. And time quickly goes away. I did not want to lose it on incomprehensible diagnoses. Then I was just afraid to get into a place where the doctorse need only my money. I wanted to find really professionals. So we are ripe to the planning center. I searched for a long time, until my friend advised one European clinic. She after 5 years of infertility got to Kiev and try surrogacy. At first I doubted, and then I decided to go too. After all, there is such an opportunity to finally see my baby. Now it remains for me to find surrogative mother. Write me if you need more information. By the way, a friend who offered to visit this clinic, a week ago saw to her daughter. Good luck!

  • Hey dear. I understand what you're going through. Surrogacy is a great solution. To answer your question, there are multiple options available. You can use your own eggs or a donor's. This depends upon whether you can be stimulated or not. These are fertilized with ur partner's sperm. If unavailable, then you can opt for a donor again. These are then implanted in a surrogate mother. That is the summary of surrogacy.

  • Hey Nancy! The effects of infertility and failure in treatments always have negative effects on our mentality. It is because we think too much about this and we are tired of not being able to conceive. Surrogacy is the best choice that you have made. You will be successful in this. I am telling you this because today I am a mother just because of surrogacy. All the best.

  • Hi nancy_diggs

    I do understand the situation you have found yourself in. It is really frustrating to TTC for that long, and still, you don’t have something to talk about. Also, the fact that you have had four failed IVF adds a lot of pain to your experience. You have also mentioned that you have considered adoption, but you fear that the lengthy procedure makes it difficult for you to have a baby soon. It is this understanding that you are currently considering surrogacy. However, it appears that you cannot come to terms with the fact that a surrogate mother will carry the child. My dear, I think one of the reasons that made you come to Healthyunlock is to share your frustrations with women who are also going through the same and listen to their views. Let me start by saying that you are not alone. Plenty of women have gone through this, but they have been able to get help. I believe you should also listen to advise and you will get assisted. To start with, let me mention here that there are two types of surrogacy. We have surrogacy on a donor egg and surrogacy on your egg. When you choose the latter, you will be the biological mother of the child. The surrogate mother will only help to carry and bear the baby. Visit biotexcom for more details on this. So I think you should not be depressed by this. You should try to accommodate it.

  • Hi Nancy_diggs,

    I'm sorry to hear about your failed IVFs. But donor eggs are such a blessing! I am now preg (11w5d) with donor eggs. I've had multiple failed IUI's and IVFs.

    From my side,there are some non-profit public organization like Happy Family(Surrogacy) and IVF consultant reproductive technologies, medical, legal, ethical and psychological aspects. I hope that helps you somewhat. This board is full of great gals that are very supportive and helpful!

  • Hello Nancy,

    Welcome to our board. My heart just breaks that you have had to deal with so much. One of my relatives had contact with some non profit public organizations surrogacy and IVF consulting. If you want I can share the more information about this. I hope you are able to find your surrogate angel very soon. Please do not depress and consult with best doctor as early as possible.

    Take care nancy.

    Good Luck !!

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