Still feeling blue & empty 2wks after failed ET

Hi everyone...still feeling blue 2 weeks on. My heart is aching & I feel like I've let my 1 & only precious embie down. I never thought we'd get this far & was feeling more positive this 2nd cycle. It felt surreal having done EC then ET & only to have AF come the day after my OTD-where the nurse told me my BFN! 🙁😔

I felt SO positive-I even interrupted the embryologist to say we were prepared to do ICSI. She said there was no need. My heart stopped the day after EC when I heard the news our only egg fertilised 😍. I even contemplated taking time off work. I didn't tell my manager & work colleagues as knew it would make my heartache & sorrow worse.

I even counted what day my 'future baby' might be due & it fell on my mum's bday in April 2018. I took that as a sign & I cried a lot during the 2WW.

I'm now 42 & don't know if I should still try. Maybe my body was not designed for this purpose. It just hurts so much as I work with babies. I feel like being slapped in the face with my infertility in a workplace rife with life.

I feel so low I can't wait for my holiday in a month's time. I also have fantasised changing jobs so many times it's driven my long suffering husband crazy.

We've been married for 7 years & have been together for 12 years total & have no mini versions of ourselves 😔☹🙁

So sorry for my long & depressing message x

[Becca21]

Hey sorry to hear your story! Don't lose your heart is all I can say. I can understand what have you been through. I had 2 failed IVFs myself and nothing can't feel any worse. The first one was a BFN; the second made me cry and laugh at the same time with an overwhelming BFP, only to have an AF on 8dp5dt. We decided to take a break for a while and consider about donor eggs. There must be a way for you too. You've just got to hold onto hope and find it.

[Hidden in reply to Becca21]

Thanks Becca. I have been told that going down the DE route might be an option. But not ready to consider it just yet.

What an expensive journey this is. Not sure if we'll stay with the same clinic or find a new one for our 3rd attempt.

Also taking a break & going on 2 mini holidays soon.

Thank you for the encouragement & support. Hope we both see a BFP sometime soon xxx

[Becca21 in reply to Hidden]

I can totally relate! We had the same dilemma when the Dr suggested DE as an alternate option. Yes, after two failed cycles, however, we've just started considering it. I can understand the financial constraints, all the fertility procedures are pretty expensive. I've heard people say some policies do not cover the fertility treatments.

Yeah, a break sounds like a relief. We planned one for the same reason - to cope with the emotional rollercoaster that we've been through all the while. I'll just say try distract your mind a bit and enjoy the outing for now. That'll surely help in starting anew.

[Hidden]

It's so nice to have someone who can totally relate! All my friends with children try so hard to be so sensitive, bless them but they will never understand how rocky & unpredictable our journeys are.

Maybe the mini holidays will clear my head. My DH seems to agree to the DE route straightaway...I'm the one who's a bit reluctant...

Thanks so much for your replies. It gives me strength to carry on. Enjoy your break too xxx

[Becca21 in reply to Hidden]

True, everyone around has been supportive throughout the bumpy road. Can't thanks them enough for that! But the dilemma with DE that's pretty hard for anyone else to understand for sure. Every time I think about DE I tend to end up in a comparison between DE and adopting. I know both are way different but it just happens. I end up in tears or tantrums after that.

Me and DH never really talked much about DE yet or why I'm not quite in favour of it. Before my first IVF I just told him I want to try it my way and he simply acknowledged it. I guess after the vacation we'll have to discuss it out anyway and plan for our next process.

This vacation was much needed; somewhere in trying to be parents and coping with the odds we've had less time to ourselves. Though he never complains, but the stress, grief, worries and agony too which needs unwind. I'm aready enjoying my tropical sunshine and started to feel optimistic again.

Hope you find a little peace in your mini holidays too. Enjoy to the fullest!!

[Hidden in reply to Becca21]

Thanks Becca21!

Hopefully will have a clearer direction with what path we'll be taking on.

Goodluck to us in our decisions and outcomes. Thanks for taking out time to reply and sharing your insights and feelings/frustrations.

I love how we can be ourselves in this forum & everyone completely understands.

Hugs all around xxx

[Becca21 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah, the forum is a boon to me and hopefully others like me. The vacation was really some much needed and life-changing event for us. We could unwind the awful incidents of past and think about the future. We've somewhat made up our mind for DE but will wait out a bit before beginning because I think I won't go forth without some copious amount of research. I'm feeling much relieved now, the grief is there but the pain has somewhat subsided. I'm looking forward to our journey ahead now.

Hope your mini-holidays went great as well... keep me updated about your fertility journey. Wish you loads of love and good luck!