Your feelings at that moment

It should be a special mood. You wake up in the morning and everything is going according to different plan.

Internal conflicts cease. The storm inside you is replaced by a feeling similar to the mix of humility and fear of the future. And then there is an important change occurs. You are ready.

I felt something like that. I do not know how to write posts beautiful or intriguing, got no skills for that. I've always wanted to have a big happy family. But when the time and thoughts about creating a family came to me, I have faced my problem. My verdict - I can not bear and give birth to a child.

Perhaps like all I felt horror and emptiness. I had to fill that emptiness with something good or it could kill me. There were conflicts in my family. My husband and I could not solve it in a moment. Till I felt the change and calm. Something was turned on and a voice inside me told me to act. In the morning I woke up as the other woman. I was ready for surrogacy. I endorsed all aspects of this procedure.

Another woman would be carrying my child. My child would mature from stranger's egg.

How has this happened to you? What did you feel at that moment? And what were the first of your actions after this point? Sorry if this message is folly. It can contain no benefits or knowledge. But I really want to know.

59 Replies

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  • no, you are good, dear. thanks for sharing. i can't tell you how to overcome your fellings because I didn't do surrogacy but I can tell it's extremelly hard.

    We faced infertility problems many years ago and I felt a half a woman too. We failed 4 cycles of ivf and now we are ready for de, I will carry a baby who will be a half of mine.

    crazy and excited. my sleepless nights, tears and devastation should be stopped. and here we are.

    as it said, hope is the hard habit to break.

    wish you luck and big hugs xxx

  • Thank you very much!

    Always I’m feeling the bitterness in the throat and pain in my chest when I understand how it is hurt and hard for someone. Such a heavy uncomfortable feeling. How much of us felt the same.. If we combine all our pain and anguish in one lump I think it would be something like a nuclear bomb.

    The moment when I did not accept the thought of DE left behind. I purely comprehend my situation and just really want to be a mom.

  • adreed, lots of poor women here searching for a good advice. Thanks God I have the loving family who support me all days long. Every day is a new challenge, we should be prepared for the life's pitfalls and I don't know what will be the next day.

    I wish from all my wounded heart to be a mom, a loving and caring wife. It's not to much for a exhausted woman.

    De is my chance to feel the happiness.

  • And you deserve this, dear! You’ve deserved this by your long suffering and expectations.

    If someone has a massive need having a child I don’t see any barriers to do it except for the health factors. What if my uterus is not able to contain a baby, isn’t it giving me a chance to be a women according to common opinion, do I have to live with it and be submissive? I don’t think so.

    I will use DE, try surrogacy, pay all my money to catch my dream. I am hugging my baby there in my dreams.

  • wow, you seem to be very strong, goal-oriented, I don't have anough power to fight.

    I don't know what will happen when I won't succeed, probably, I will give up. I don't know, too many thoughts in my head. Every morning starts with crying, my husband, my love doesn't want to support me anymore, what to do?

    I'm loosing m hope...

    why ivf didn't work for me, why I can't bear a baby, it drives me crazy. All these happy couples with children, can't stand it anymore.

  • And what about ivf with de, or you can’t carry a babe due to health, honey? I’ve lost the line, can’t control your biography, I hope it does not offend you because there are so many women here with different infertility issues. I’ve read about DE as the last chance to have a baby, you had written this. But I don’t know about your treatment. Have you already applied to the clinics or not yet? Your problem must be examined perhaps you will have options to choose. And maybe there is any chance to recommence your relations with a husband, because it’s extremely difficult to cope with it being alone.

    I beg don’t give up, please

  • I didn't mention it before. My story is not a fairy tale. I've lost both tubes with ectopic pregnancies

    , then was IVF #1 BFN ,

    IVF #2 BFN, plus IVF #3 BFN,

    Fibroid surgery

    IVF #4 BFN 6/29 nothing left to freeze, so my next step is IVF DE, hope it will work for me.

    I found one clinic in Europe but my DH asked me to wait, as he can't go with me next week, he has a big project at work.

    So, now we are standby. It's not a time to give up, I decided for myself to be strong and overcome all troubles.

  • Way to go, honey! You think good. By what basic have you selected your clinic? Does this one offer something special or you are just tired of seek? And did your husband ask you not to hasten because of his job or he does not trust in success result from them?

    Anyway I’m proud of you, I envy your readiness and want to begin by myself. I think you have to try ivf with de if it can work… Don’t fall into new stress. I will wait for your news updates, dear!

  • Honestly, I've read a lot of comments here and was advised this clinic. I did a little research and then contacted them, to my big surprise, the consultant was nice and told us about conditions they will provide with.

    As we failed, 4 cycles, we were out of money. So, the first option is price, next we want to find clinic which is not far away from our country.

    My husband trusts them but he's a bit confused and busy right now.

    No explanations for his attitude, wish everything will be OK

  • I wish the same! Excuse me and where are you from? Do you want to reach them by the car?

    I heard a lot about them, very good reviews. I hope they were truthful. I really don’t want to waste money, and the price is one of my priorities, it’s true. We all often lose our money following wrong decisions, I don’t want to repeat such way. I think the time of confident steps has come.

    Wish you have a nice journey. I’ll be waiting for your positives. Hugs

  • Hope so too. They gave us a donor database what is very convenient for us.

    We had an opportunity to choose the person we want to be my child looks like. We found a woman who has some similarities with me. She is also blond with beautiful smile and health teeth. She has 2 children and she looks very smart.

    What about my place of living, I'm from Germany. I don't know whether this is a good idea to travel by car. Because of our feelings. We'll be both excited and nervous at the same time. Thank you very much, I'll post my updates soon, I promise

  • As I was told by my manager they have a lot of different departments. That means they do work with lots of different couples all over the world except single men and nonstandard sexual orientation couples(it's forbidden by ukraininan legislation)

    Any way, it's a good county for infertile couples as that clinic guarantees a positive result.

  • What tests?

  • It was a big luck to find so many women who lived through these hard challenges. It gives a hope.

    Everyone can find an answer through our sharing experiences. I wish all of you to have your deserved happiness.

    Please, keep in touch as long as possible.

    and be happy!

  • Oh, boo...I feel for you, really. You know, I feel something today and I don't know how to explain .. but I know what you mean or I just feel it. I woke up today expecting something I can't even express. Something warm..which can fill me with hope or despair... turn my life upside down. And I got out of bed expecting these changes...

    Today I've made my hcg test, although it's too early..and I don't know what I see and it's like I predicted. It's a step, but I don't know where the road may lead. You see?

    It's my first IVF round and it's with donor eggs. I know how it is to know your baby is going to be a half stranger. But I am ready!

  • I do not think about a child from the surrogate as about a stranger. I love him. Love thinking about him.

    Too many bad thoughts were before. They took away all my power and generated only hatred in me. Hatred to the world, to my infertility, to the fate…

    It is important to get readiness for making new steps.

    When will you have a procedure and where? If it is not a secret

  • It's great, my dear. For me it was pretty tough to accept donor eggs, but once I decided there is no turning back. So you want a boy, right?

    Oh, try to get all bad thoughts out of your head...you know, they won't give any positive result. Don't hate this world but try to love it, don't blame yourself for being infertile because it's you who can change your life, not fate or gods. Believe in yourself!! I believe you'll be fine, you just need time to digest everything you faced with.

    I hope, the next procedure is scan...if i'm lucky enough. You commented my post today, it was me with 8dp5dt. Well, I have been to Ukrainian clinic Biotexcom.

  • Thank you, dear. Wish you the same. Really I appreciate when people being in the same shoes help and try giving advices to each other. Such forums become a source of the power to go on our struggling.

    I believe your dream will be fulfilled. I hope so.

    Why must we live through this injustice. I look forward your bfp and expect for updates in nearest future. Let’s find two lines! And yes I want having baby-boy most of all, it’s my great desire, my crave, and my the biggest pain. Want to name him Otto, my father had the same name.

    Good days, dear. I’ll follow your page.

  • I see your point. I thought forum wasn't the right place for me because I'm able to solve my problems without any help. And if it's needed to ask someone for a little hand in need, then I may count on my people.. I was a bit wrong. There are thing you can't share with your friends and relatives. You know, sometimes people we don't know could be our best friends for a while, and no hidden catch, no strings attached...It seems to me websites like this are the best place to confess and to be supported.

    Thank you, hun! I hope you won't change your mind and you'll see your Otto soon. Have any ideas how to make your dream come true?

  • I hope too, dear. It’s ruthless feeling when I’m coming from my dreams back to the reality, so great dissonance between two worlds, I have Otto in my arms in the first, and my arms are empty, my heart’s the same, and my eyes are full of tears in the second cruel world where I have to be all my time except while I’m dreaming. So tired to be torn apart.

    I’m spending my time watching the articles, collecting information, I compare options all the time.

    How can I fulfil my wishes? It’s only the one answer to go through the surrprogram. I had uterus removed after the working accident.

  • Oh, sweetie, it must be so devastating, not to have what you want most of all...however, good old cry wouldn't go amiss!! And you are not alone, you have family, friends and we are here to support you!

    Well, have you any ideas about where to start? Have you chosen any clinics to have a closer look?

  • And really without any jokes I’m feeling this support. But maybe the main factor for feelling strong in the struggle is not turned on. I mean the factors of internal readiness and pure understanding what I have to do. This weird thing inside me seems like a broken egg. Something that was entirely intact in the past but now almost ruined. Perhaps I speak about a hope. I don’t know, I’m not good expositor. I filled out myself by your warmth and advices week ago. But last two dayz I felt empty again. We considered few options but they are too expensive, we can’t try them the nearest time. I know the way of fight for being a parent is a path up and down and up again, we'll continue our search.

  • I think I can understand you...how do you feel now? haven't your spark faded? You need to be brave and move on. Don't hesitate and regret nothing! You'll be alright and your life will be better, at least everything will be different. This rollercoaster is inevitable, but have faith!

    If the price of treatment is crucial, take a closer look to Ukrainian clinics.

    x

  • So due to this my main idea is finding relevant clinic with good specialists and medical assistance. I can’t do it here in Munich it’s prohibited In Germany.

  • Minerva17, I've just found out that you have BFP! Best present one can even get for St. Valentines. Btw, we also dealt with this clinic, surrogacy program with donor eggs like in your case. Our first attempt failed, unfortunately, but the second one was BFP! Now our kids are playful naughty toddlers, we love them endlessly.

    Byernblo, I wish to find your way to parenting soon, no matter how bendy it may seem.

  • Yeees!! I'm preggy and it's the best gift on Valentine's day! oh really? cool! Congrats on your twins! I wouldn't mind to have 2 pumpkins. Is it hard to deal with twins? I mean two children at the same time.

  • Thank you both very much, happy to get support and advices from you and also happy for your pregnancies, it’s beautifully!

    M, You are right talking about the most awaited gift that can be wanted. Especially on Valentine’s day.

    My great congratulations! Take care of your health, girls!

  • Oh yeah. Not the best memories. Like a swimming in troubled waters. I remember because it was all up to the moment. I had to digest those complicated ideas as the stones in the stomach. It was difficult and painful. sure, if my husband did not support I would have gone mad. Really. I just could lose my mind. How do women cope with these problems being all alone?

    It was the last weekend when I was not sure.

    We have overcome the crisis. And we’ve started thinking about the options immediately.

    We are now in the Ukraine and nursing with our baby.

    I even can’t imagine what if my mood and thoughts have not changed then. I would not be able to kiss this miracle. It is fantastic. It’s currently weird to see the comments in which child is called a stranger, but I thought the same, now I know my baby is absolutely mine. I have no mental problems with this.

  • Blooo, I didn't mean to hurt anyone by saying a word "stranger" regarding a child. It was exaggeration and it's all in the past. Never mind. Me too, i don't know how it is possible to handle this without permanent support of people you love. I was in a clinic last week, but my hubby couldn't come with me...well, to say I felt awful, it's not even close.

    What happened last week? Sorry if it's personal..

    Anyway, congratulations on your little miracle! Happy to hear such great news!

  • Thank you so much!

    Perhaps I’ve written wrong. I meant the latest. I wanted to say that before we have started to think about the most suitable ways of surrogacy for us I had lots of doubts. I felt nervous and spent much time crying. So our weekends have been passing through us leaving only sufferings. The dark times. I wrote about the moment when all changed. And we began to think the different way since the beginning of that week. Never mind, dear. Now we feel fine and tired due to baby. I wish you all the best.

  • I had read your big post about your journey before met you here. It’s fantastic. Amazing story about necessary things, family values, and the need for life. It was very intriguingly waiting for the news of your events. God bless you and your daughter.

    I hope that your successful case is a normal thing in the clinic you are in. And they have good rates on average. Interesting to find out the fact about their donor database, could you select? By what principle could you choose? thanks

  • Thank you very much! Nice to hear that you read my posts. I’ll not tell anything about their good rates, it’s statistic, and we cannot give guaranties about its believability, we don’t know who makes these calculations. Can say only about our success, we are totally satisfied, even want to repeat to feel that sweet taste of victory again!

    As for its donors… yeah. There are great options to choose. Their base was breathtakingly organized, I am not kidding. You can see very pretty Ukrainians there, they all are young, but have their own children. How did we choose? Mmm my husband was choosing. He said that he guided his selection according to my appearance and hobbies. I hope.

    Yes, we could choose donors. Then doctor looks at our choice and offer the most suitable variant.

  • Interesting. And very useful, thank you very much, I’m grateful. It was like another planet for me. I knew about eastern Europe only that there were high unemployment, some military troubles with each other, although I met Ukrainians, they distilled cars from German to Ukraine. They seemed very pleasant people, I remember. And now I figure out that they have contemporary medicine technics and “breathtakingly organized database”, I’m surprised, and I begin thinking about this more and more. Thank U

  • And what’s new? Why are you lost in silence?

    You actively asked me about Ukrainian variant and now no words about it. Perhaps you didn’t find Biotex or other clinic as appropriate one to you, or already found the best place on your opinion.

    Anyway it’s not a reason to keep silence. Afraid if you fell into sadness again… come back asap

  • Excuse me please I’ve dived into urgent business and even now I don’t have time to post updates. But you have to know I got something to share.

    We have news and I’ll write about it in a day maybe. We appreciate your attention and care.

    I give a clue we didn’t forget about Biotex. hah

  • sweetheart, don't be upset! Don't let your thoughts seduce you out of the right way. it's great that you are equal to the surrogacy now. I hope this readiness won't leave you. We all have bad days as well as good ones. Try to move on with this... just go behind legal and medical parts of the issue. You'll see a wide range of options, but you only need to choose one.

  • Thank you very much, dear! It’s big pleasure to read such warm words.

    I’m looking for my variant, and I’ll try, and be completely happy at last. I’m becoming stronger at night before sleep, but sometimes at least often I’m awaken with hopeless. Even if I went to bed with brave mood I can wake up broken. Actually I understand the importance of choosing one concrete variant for starting to act. I’m approaching to this.

  • Thank U, I’m trying to control and curb all my destructive thoughts. I understand that that can steal the energy which I’d able to direct to rectify the situation. I hope, I pray to know what waits for me in the end of this story. Will it be my gift or the next disappointment? Thank very much.

  • Thank you. You are real sage. I understand the importance of these mental changes, and you’re completely right. All of these terrible words chase us, our stories, our minds, we are addicted to them. So I need to break free to take a deep breath and do something with my situation, rather than continue to be a whiner. I’m grateful. You were like drum a sonorous drum awakening from the deep sleep.

  • 'Another woman would be carrying my child. My child would mature from stranger's egg' - if this is the only way out, there's no need for self blaming and self torture. thus, you'll just aggravate your situation.

    may I ask you what is your diagnosis, if it's not too personal of course

  • Of course personal. I live with it. It was consequence of work-related injury. a strong blow into the left thigh below the belly. Bone and pelvic muscles have been damaged. The surgery was performed on the muscles of the lower pelvis because of their technical atrophy. This caused the uterine prolapse. Well, further you know.

    I don’t blame myself merely I’m living through the moments of great psychological stress. Sometimes I say something rude, wrong or unpleasant, I'm not very good at this.

  • Sometimes I feel like a teenager and this feeling is not good for reaching any results. I fight with it. I want being mom and I need to stop talking only about my wanting. Thank you very much! I’ll grateful if you give me some advices. Share your experience with me please. Thnks!

  • I’m grateful so much, I appreciate your wish to help me.

    I did not even expect for such activity and attention to my problem. I’m surprised because my post was about emotions and feelings, I did not ask about concrete methods or clinics. And after all this I feel I become closer to the right choice and the next steps. Thank! God bless you

  • I got it! You meant the breaking moment that changes our attitude. I think it really can be so. But I’ve not caught it. A lot of alterations I lived through that time.

    But sometimes we get relapses. Important to pluck up courage like before the jump into the pool down from the diving board. You see? Sooner or later we find necessary push for the beginning.

  • Yes, you have understood right, I meant it exactly. I have already got that push, it was a call from inside. It was also my husband’s desire to become a parent. Now after having awful mood I’m going to clear my mind, to leave only positive thoughts, and make a choice. I’m tired of my hesitations and doubts, my weeping, time for acts has come. Thank you all. I appreciate your advices.

  • My warmest wishes to you, my dear! Having a huge crave to speak with anybody I think back about your article. You seemed like person who experienced mood changes firsthand.

    The strange wave of self-unbelief suddenly covered me. didn’t want to create a new post full of my weeping just to see how it would be existing with no replies.

    I hope you feel perfect

  • I can’t brag I know much about human psychology I even don’t know mine. As everyone I have a bad mood and feel hollow sometimes.

    But today I’m proud of our progress in specific issue. We’re preparing to go to the clinic we trust. We’ve applied to it.

    What’s wrong with you? do you have troubles?

  • Oh, 12 weeks that’s the most dangerous period of the pregnancy, I know. I hope everything goes a right way and all will be fine. Hysterectomy is in the past, many years have gone and I don’t feel the mental problems with that, fortunately. I have comprehended my condition and I want to have such feeling most of all. Thank you for your replies and wishes.

  • I've heard that women struggling with infertility are now compared with trauma survivors. is it right or wrong, you decide? many women here have same problems like you so I'm sure you found an advice and support you were looking for. that's true that many women here had/have fertility treatment in Ukraine and for most of us it worked. for me as well. we used surrogacy and donor eggs. i won't say it was an easy journey, but it worked. hope to hear the same words from you soon

  • I hope God hears your words, and soon I''ll be able to say that I’m fine. Actually I feel full of readiness to keep on, but I ask to direct me. I’ve read a lot about Ukrainian direction for treatment, very good, positive stories. Also I want to have my story finished with success.

    My mood really has changed and I gonna go through this journey. Thank you all very much. I’ll never forget your kindness. You’ve written that it worked I guess now you’re holding your baby in your arms, aren’t you?

  • two babies, dear! we have twin baby boys! it's actually the first time when I'm announcing our babies' birth here. I felt a bit awkward about it before but now when our boys are almost a month old and we know that they are healthy and growing and almost all papers are ready for us ti get the green light for travelling back home, I can speak about it freely. Yes, the situation was a bit strained but now we know all is fine. Being a mother is a unique feeling for me and probably I'm not yet absolutely used to it, but we know that we are a family, a complete family now, and together we're happy

  • Everyone who suffered from fertile problems would be happy to have such a finish. I dream about it.

    till we don’t begin our journey this field will seem as the dark side of the moon full of threatens and unpleasant secrets.

    I wish your boyz have strong health and happy childhood! Give it to them!

  • Hello!

    I was in that situation. Briefly, I became infertile at my 24 yo. And I needed years to accept that fact. I know how it's hard. I didn't even let myself thinking about surrogacy at first. But the desire to have another baby was bigger. Of course I have a huge support from my family, my parents, my husband and friends. The support is very important in our life. They help me to overcome my pain and decide to use this variant. But I also have some unanswered questions like, how to tell my 6 yo daughter that her brother or sister will be born from another woman, why is she carry it and all this medical issues... And the second question that bothers me is the maternal instinct. I always believe that it appears at the moment of the birth of your child. All the biological process that happened in your body send the impetus in your brain and the maternal instinct is activated as an essential part or the birth. Sorry for such a primitive way of description. So if someone “do it” instead of me, I won’t have any maternal instincts for my child. I don´t know if you understand me, I just cannot gather my thoughts in a normal and understandable text.

  • That’s ok, I got it. It was rather understandable for me to feel how it was hard.

    Really such difficult decisions take a time for rethinking. Time-time-time how much of it was wasted.

    Your story as well as others similar stories on such sites is a proof of our suffering and struggle.

    I agree that we are doomed to give up in case we are without support and understanding.

    About maternal instincts I guess our great desire to have a baby is able to conqure all the doubts and fears related to our parent potential.

    How are you now? What a stage do you experience for now?

  • I hope you're right! Because I'm very nervous about that.

    Now I'm on my initial steps for a surrogacy programm. I've already had visits in several clinics, and now I make a decision, which to choose. It is a big step for us. Once we choose, a new stage in my life will begin. Wish me luck.

  • That’s great! Can you describe your feelings?

    Let this attempt bring success. You deserve it. I understand how long line of thoughts you needed to get through before you decided. I wish you good massive luck, Hun! Be happy! And don't stop giving us your updated news all the time!

    You said you had been in several clinics… how did they differ? And what made your choice at last?

  • Hi. Thank you for your cheerful words!

    Yes, we planned to visit several of them...but biotex was our first clinic and we liked it very much from the first visit. So we visited not all that we planed to. Another ones were NewHope and ISIDA.

    We have a certain amount of money and in case of an extra fee we won't be able to afford it. That's why we signed the contract with biotexcom. They have a fixed price that include all the necessary services and treatment in comparison with other clinics, where the cost is always varies. And also biotexcom is more popular among foreign couples.

  • I want to know/ I badly want to know dear. How are you now?

    Your surrogate had been found and after that our contact was lost.

    Come back dear. You were so supportive and maybe now you yourself need to a support.

    Good luck dear!

  • Dee-Nah

    Hii! Could you tell me what clinic did you attend? Do you live in the US?

    xxx

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