How do you cope with this?

[backet]

I have found that since starting the IVF process, everything I used to love doing has vanished. I used to love cooking, reading books, running, shopping, going out with friends... Now I have lost all motivation to do anything. I find it hard to even get out of bed.

Since our 3rd failed cycle in October all I think about is baby this, pregnancy that. It is driving me insane. DH and I have put our whole life on hold... I want it back! I do want to be a mom! And I think I'm ready to have a cycle with donor eggs despite all my worries and doubts! And I do want to plan all this stuff and think about it. But I don't want infertility to be the center of my life! I want to enjoy all those things I used to! I want to actually live!

We have found a clinic and now have to wait about 3 months to start our cycle. I don't want to spend these 3 months thinking, living, breathing anything baby or pregnancy related.

How does everybody cope with this? Any ideas would be most welcomed as I am becoming the person I swore I would never become!

[sandra788]

I have the same problem. I seem to have lost everything I loved doing. Everything's a bit of a chore now. All I want to do is have a baby.

I think you'll find that the 3 months break will do you well though. And you will become more mentally stable again during this time. I'm speaking from personal experience about this. I was told I needed to wait a couple of months before ttcing again after my second m/c. This felt like the end of the world to me. I hated the thought of taking a break. Actually, the break only ended up being four months, but in that time I did go a long way towards recovering, I felt like I got my old self back. I was actually happy, and I didn't obsess about ttc for the whole time. This was a surprise to me! Now I'm back and I'm miserable again... But for you, for now, perhaps a break (however unwelcome it might be) will be great for your emotional state. You might find that you regain your old self without any real effort during your break. This is what happened for me. I hope it happens for you too.

[FingersXssed83]

I’m in the TWW of my second transfer (third IVF cycle) and feel exactly the same. My life is on hold and I have lost interest in everything. My life is literally getting through day by day. Nothing appeals to me anymore. And I just know this cycle has failed.

I’d be happy to move onto donor embryos now, haven’t ever seen a BFP. I don’t see why it should be donor eggs and not donor sperm though as that feels like another injustice although I know my DH wouldn’t be happy about that.

I realised last night that if I don’t conceive before March which is very unlikely, as my OTD is between Xmas and NY, 2020 won’t be bringing me a baby. Started TTC in 2017. It’s just so depressing.

Between cycles I feel fine but then life goes on hold again in the run up, during and after a cycle, as I don’t have enough energy. So I maybe have 16 weeks over the year of ‘normality’ if you can consider not drinking, eating healthily every day and taking supplements normal and the rest of the time I’m isolated.

Good luck on trying to reclaim your life - I’d be interested to know what you did so I can try too! x

[lanabanana00]

I also seem to find my brain just revolves around my infertility and inability to conceive. I pretty much go through the motions of life and find in certain situations just emotionally dissociating myself ... I try and live my life best I can. It's just hard... Even when taking a break from it all my mind sadly does not take a break. I just want to have a child... It's hard to live like this... People grieve and distance themselves from certain things & situations when someone close passes away. It's no different for me. I cannot say it would be for everyone on the ttc journey! I think this journey has changed who I am. And I cannot even get back to the person I was before I started trying to get pregnant. I know it's morbid and sorry to sound so down, but that's me. Regardless of that, I've never stopped reading! I love to read! It's the one thing that I think has kept me sane!

[kaitlinD_R]

I've been at that place where your life seems to be in a never-ending holding pattern. Nothing is moving forward at all. I lost all motivation. I became bitter... Of course, everyone is different but I think the break might do you some good. Knowing you won't have that constant struggle hanging over your head may come as a relief... after the frustration! Take the opportunity over the next few months to do stuff just for you and DH. Try the things you have been putting off.

[jossySSS]

I have been ttc for around the same time as you and I hear you! I feel like all I think about is babies. I even dream about them. Then when I try and force myself not to think about them, everyone else is talking about babies, having babies, etc.

It took me ages to want to do anything. I didn't see friends. I didn't do much except work. Then I started forcing myself to do things that I used to do. I started seeing friends again. Going out for a few wines. I started reading again which was the best thing I could have done as it gives me a great escape. My best friend took me on a beautiful holiday which was amazing. She has a baby but got her DH to babysit. We spent 3 nights at a luxury resort, getting pampered, drinking cocktails by the pool, going out for dinner and watching movies. She also gave me the opportunity to talk about my fertility struggles which was great. I have joined the gym recently as I thought having a goal for me, that isn't ttc is good. Do you have a pet? I love my dog (we adopted her 4 years ago) and she often gets me through when I come home and have had a bad day.

[jossySSS]

Also, I just wanted to say that I found I really moved forward! From not obsessing as much. I stopped putting things off just in case we were going to do a cycle/be pregnant etc. I am trying my best to live in the now! Which proves to be difficult some days more than others…

Congratulations on finding a clinic. I wish you the best of luck with your de cycle!

[backet]

Thank you for all of the replies!

I know I am not the only one who has these struggles. That is why I wanted to find out what other people do.

I have 3 cats(who were also adopted), which are treated like my babies. My oldest cat, in particular, is very kind to me and just seems to know when I am upset and lets me baby him!

DH and I have started planning a holiday for January which should keep us a little occupied. We also plan to lose weight and get healthy whilst we wait to start our cycle.

I guess my issue is that I tend to obsess about one thing and atm it is IVF. I am also trying to limit myself to only logging onto healthunlocked once a day which so far has helped. I guess you never stop thinking about it, but you just get on with your life.

All of you have been so kind and I wish you well in your journeys!

[Hidden in reply to backet]

We have a very spoilt ginger tabby called baby who is 16 in April.

[milaSM]

Good luck with everything! I too have 3 cats and yes they are my babies too. I enjoy reading. I find it allows me to totally leave my world and enter something else... It's a great way to switch off. I get what you mean about not logging on the HU too much, etc. I think it is impossible to not think about it all... I think it's a great idea to have a vacation! I hope you and your dh will have a great time together!

[Hidden in reply to milaSM]

Are your cats spoilt as our ginger tabby baby is!

[Karinyaa]

I could not stand the thought another woman would be involved into the process of OUR baby creation, you know. It sounded dreadful to my ear..Thankfully dh was a rock of support. Which I've never expected from him as he already has a kid from the previous marriage so I though he'll not understand the issue to the core..So my next step after a MC was donor egg ivf. We went abroad mainly due to affordable prices. Signed up 5 shots package. ''guaranteed'', all meds, services included. They guaranteed a life birth. If no luck and you happen to face 5 failures in a row and don't want to continue trying with them --they refund all money paid back. This was a huge factor for us so we decided to move on with them.

I know how demanding the path coud be. Keep strong, honey, things will get to their places soon.

[JustKnewIt in reply to Karinyaa]

Hi there, could you share any resources on the point of ''guaranteed'' package you used??

Were you successful? If yes, how many shots did it take you to conceive? Could you choose egg donor yourself? I'm sorry for all those questions, my friend is currently looking onto de ivf options. she's got pcos and extremelly low amh, is also considering mitochondria donation but frankly, has too little belief it might work out in her very case..Thank you in advance.

[SerrineV]

I don’t think it’s really hit one yet. So I’m sure the next couple of days are going to be to go tough when it all sinks in..This is not easy though we’d already been in this for years..

What made us to turn to surrogacy in Ukraine? Firstly, costs. We were opting for Standard package. You may go to BTC site for more info on it. All their packages are in pdf, it’s quite comfy, right. Furthermore we were using their mitochondrial replacement therapy. I DID want to have genetically related to me kid. Secondly, law there favored us, the intended parents. In Ukraine we are considered to be the only legal parents of the baby from the moment of conception! No one has right to keep our baby after delivery! And probably, the last one is this unique method we’ve got to know about for the first time whilst doing loads of research. I hoped we did right choice. Would also be great to hear from someone else who has been through something similar or to be honest, just some kind words would do. I guess everyone in this boat is feeling a bit fragile..

[Loraine7]

Neither my GP, nor my first fertility doctor ever fully or properly explained the repercussions of my diagnosis to me. Unfortunately it was too late for growth hormones. So i just received estrogen and progesterone. Years later i read a scary article about it contributing to breast cancer. I stopped treatment. As i was young and not in any relationship, and not having got. So I was not too concerned about pregnancy. Just yet or monthly cramps and bleeding. Until I turned 45. With my two best friends both pregnant at the same time with baby#2. I wanted to start a family with my husband. I was not proud to admit i found myself fighting a serious case of envy over what i couldn’t have. I wondered what i did to deserve this diagnosis that now began to feel like punishment. What did i do wrong?

Of course my husband is supportive, but, not being in my shoes. Being a man, he can’t fully understand my case as a female. Of course i know this is not true as true strength and family is much more than that. So i was just keeping myself as positive as possible. My problem is a combination: financial and emotional. That is why we started to consider overseas options, BTC got among those. And yes, it was a surrogacy route for us.