It's been almost 18 months since I was critically ill and physically I have recovered amazing well. I do everything I used to and can look after my young family. My cardiac function was mildly impaired, my kidneys haven't quite got back to normal and I have a lot of scarring but I am managing just fine with no medications or doctors appointments. I do not have flash backs or post traumatic stress disorder. Being poorly wasn't ok but I'm ok with what happened if you know what I mean.
Just recently though I've been struggling with the emotions of dying and the fear of dying young and leaving my young family and husband. One day I was fine and the next day I was so close to death. I feel very aware of how fragile life is one day you are alive and well and the next day you could be dead. I suppose the death of peaches geldoff in the media has aroused some emotions for me. Also a friend in her early thirties has just had a pace maker fitted. And another has had an organ transplant. I just can't believe all these life threatening things are happening to me, my friends and others in our 20s and 30s.
No so long ago I was a 23 year old newly wed and I was so happy and felt like I had my whole life ahead of me. Now I do not. Almost like I can't see my future, I can't make plans, I don't dare to dream because I just don't know what is around the corner, and sometimes consider what if this day could be my last. It sounds a bit extreme as we all die eventually, death is not something that happens to "other" people. I don't want to live thinking like this all the time. But it don't want to be ignorant of how precious life is and I'm not done yet and I have so much to give to the world. I did try some talking therapy but the NHS was impractical appointment wise and paying privately got too expensive.
I just wondered if anyone else had perhaps experienced similar feelings and how you mange them and do you have a perspective on your life after critical illness?
My life has been saved twice by doctors, medicines and machinery. I must still be here for a reason right now. And I just hope so much I can get back to dreaming of my wonderful future again, which I always though I'd see, and grow old, but now I'm not so sure. I just hope it's meant for me.