Three months on

Its now just over three months since my husband was in ICU for just over three weeks, a week of this on an incubator, and a further two weeks with a tracheotomy.

A number of things went wrong or were not done very well, and although he at one stage he appeared to be recovering he died on a high dependency ward a few days after being discharged from ICU. I'm still very traumatized by many of the things that happened to him while in ICU. Also how I was left out of being involved in how he was treated, and I myself was by treated by some ICU staff. Being left out of helping to assist with non medical care and kept at a distance during his tragic last month of life. Its bad enough that I've lost him after 27 years together but this bitterness of the forced separation and physical and emotional distance that was inflicted upon us during this most vital and important time, will haunt and torment me forever!

11 Replies

  • Oh my darling crying reading this! I can't imagine how awful you must be feeling I'm sure he knew you would and did do everything you could for him,I suggest you take the time with your friends and family to heal and try to come to terms with your terrible loss then when your stronger you can maybe take legal action if you feel they failed your husband and yourself whilst he was in there care... Sending you lots of hugs and your loved ones at this awful time xxxxxxx

  • How are things with your husband and yourself ?

  • Thank you for your kind reply, I know your probably right that my poor love knew these things but I do feel robbed of our last weeks together and that he was not cared for as well as he should have been, but no I won't be taking any legal action it wouldn't bring him back to me which is the only thing that would ease my pain but thank you for your kind words and hoping all goes well for you and your beloved one.

    Very best wishes.

    Joanne x

  • Nobody can rob you of the 27 years of love and memories together stay stronge! And thankyou xxxxxxxx

  • Firstly,I am so very sorry to read your very sad story.Whilest you may not want to take legal action,for poor care,lack of empathy,and you being excluded,I think it would help you (and most certainly others )to say how ,and why you feel as you do.Make an appt to see the matron,or head of CCU,to express your feelings,take a friend or relative with you.

    Do also,ask your GP for an appt with a Trauma Councellor,to help you get through this horrendous situation.

    Thank you for being strong enough to have written what you have,and my thoughts are with you.Please let us know how you are getting along.

  • Thanks for your reply, I have filled in a nationwide survey form that was issued to me while Pete was in ICU and was to be completed after discharge from ICU. in which I made as many of these points as the form allowed for. I have considered doing the wise suggestions you've made (I am already awaiting for some type of counseling arranged through 'MIND' ) but I have been waiting to feel less upset and more able to cope with a doing a return visit to the hospital, and then talking about these issues to them there - but I yes I will try to do this as soon as I feel sane and strong enough to. Thank you and very best wishes to you. x

  • You have been given wise advise. I can see that you are indeed very upset. You must look at the good times and build on that. Please put what you felt of the whole experience on paper as if you were writing to the hospital Manager. I wrote down my experience and even though at times it was hard it cleansed some of the fog and doubt. I know that from what my wife has said to me she felt snubbed at times but once she reflected back my best interests were been looked at.

    Time is a moment in your mind remember all the times that made you smile or laugh together and bring them to the front.

    Be Well


  • Yes all of these suggestions and advice is very sound, thoughtful and well meaning - and I have already written a detailed account of the events previously when at one time the Registrar wouldn't register the death as she thought an inquest should take place due to various questionable details (this was purely on the doctors notes, and certain circumstances nothing to do with any prompting from myself) but after some consideration the coroner decided in the end not to.

    I do appreciate all yours and others kind words, but after the experiences my poor darling had and myself I would urge anybody to just be aware that Dr and nurses are human can make mistakes and things can get missed or go wrong, so it is a good idea to keep a watchful eye on things and too insist that wherever possible you are allowed as much assess and involvement with your loved ones care and treatment - for their sake, yours and for your peace of mind should the worst happen, which I pray it doesn't but in cases where it does it could mean the difference between being able to cope with the tragic event as best as you ever can in these circumstances or having terrible horrible nightmares, traumatic flashbacks and deep depression as well as normal grief. Until you have gone through this you can't imagine what its like.

    Sorry and best wishes all - xx

  • I am wondering how you are ? Christmas is a very difficult time for many reasons,and more so for you.I would urge you to re-think councelling,it took 10 months before my husband had any help! Please dont cancel or put off any appts,as waiting lists are awful.

    Also,if you re-consider action (ie Official Complaint) there is a cut off point of 12 months.Every hospital offers a PALS service(please remember these people are employed by the NHS- I found them less than helpful,and actually made me feel more helpless and alone)

    There are pychologists who can help with nightmares and flashbacks(however this service is a Post Code lottery !) but,if you have a good GP ,and few of us do,ask for help,we were told we could pay to be seen sooner ! insulting or what !

    Keep strong,and please let me know how you are.

  • Thank you for you most considerate message, as I said in a previous post I am on a waiting list for councelling and look forward with hopefulness that when I do hear from them that it will begin it will help me somewhat.

    Your correct that this is an awlful time of year, so many things associated with happier time and people in a merry mood (which is as it should be) but for those of us facing Christmas without the most important person in your world its a very painful time.

    Sadly unless it happens to someone, or unless they have a great deal of empathy, most people otherwise don't understand how utterly deverstating loosing your husband or wife who was your best friend, and in fact your whole world.

    Myself as well as most other widows and widowers do appreciate this, co's its pretty unimaginable until it happens to you. Added to this the trauma of have been the wittness of the ICU leaves deep scars and no matter how busy you try to keep yourself the pain is so deep and the feeling of loss so dreadful that you hardly want to carry on living often.

    I really pray nobody here has the need but should the worse happen a site for widows and widower's is Way and Way Up its a self help site where some very kind people who all have sadly lost their loved ones can share their sadness and everyone does their best to give each other support and comfort.

    I really, really hope none of you here will find a need for this site, or the very sensitive self help and kindness it offers the bereaved.

    Best wishes all

    Joanne xx

  • Sorry about your loss, may he rest in peace, you need to carry on, ime not much help but find a hobby or something, get out and about, god bless

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