The stress and worry continue

[Lisamarsh]

I recently posted regarding my son having to attend court and was so grateful for the advice and replies that I received. We used Thomson Solicitors who were recommend to us through Headway, and they were great. My son plead guilty and received a hefty fine, and we all breathed a huge sigh of relief that that horrible experience was over. Then 2 days later he lost his job, so don’t know how he is going to make the monthly payments to the Court now.

We were not really surprised that his employer let him go, as he has been smoking excessive amounts of cannabis which affects his ability to perform his job. He is a highly paid contractor and needs to be on the ball, meeting deadlines and producing reports, and he just wasn’t cutting it. He allowed the stress and worry in his personal life to once again impact his professional life and now instead of using alcohol as a crutch to deal with his problems, he is now using weed, which in turn bring on these “episodes/cluster seizures”. He had another one of Friday evening, which was frightening for us All. He was unconscious for a few moments, very tired and scared when he came round but we put him to bed and I watched over him during the night to make sure he was ok.

I’m at rock bottom today - tired, drained, scared and at a total loss as to what to do to help him. He’s remorseful… again. Says he’s going to give up the weed, get fit, change etc etc. …. but my heart tells me it’s just words. I spent all day yesterday researching the internet for rehab services, residential and outpatient. I even called a couple - they didn’t even bother to call me back.

When he had his accident in 2019 they said that they didn’t expect him to survive his TBI, but we were so blessed that after 3 moths in hospital and after craniotomy he fully recovered. For all intents and purposes he has returned to a normal life. However, his personality has changed and he just seems to have this self destruct button now, whereby he turns to alcohol and substances when he can’t cope. He hates himself for the way he is and he hates his TBI, hates his ex-wife, hates his friends….. he’s a man that hates the world, full of bitterness. It’s heartbreaking for us to see - oh how I long for My Beautiful Boy to be back.

[Fishsoup]

My heart goes out to you and I am no help except to say you are not alone and you still have your beautiful boy. You must be exhausted as we have all searched for help which is not forthcoming but I pray someone will come into your life to help you soon.

[1949liz]

When we have children, no one tells us what to expect. bringing them up is difficult for us as parents. We learn as we go on. I have two sons one is amazing and is an amazing husband and father. Unfortunately my first son is an alcoholic getting him into rehab was difficult, but I did it, did it do him any good unfortunately not. His doctor told me that you need to want to be free alcohol first and you must be at rock bottom, I insisted he went into rehab. a week after being released, he started drinking again. He has two beautiful daughters, who due to his drinking has had contact stopped. He has done many things to hurt my family and myself.. too many to explain . But there comes of time for our own mental health and physical health to say enough. I call it a mother in wait, his counsellor told me he was a pathological liar and a fantastic.

I eventually had to close the door, for the sake of my grandchildren and myself and my family. the door is not locked, but it’s closed. It’s up to him. I explained to my granddaughters what I was doing., and at first, they thought it was rather harsh, but he continued to abuse them mentally, and they told me just recently grandma we have closed the door.

I think there comes a time when our children need to grow up look after themselves pull themselves up.. and start a new life. until that time, the door stays closed. I empathise with you, and I feel for any parent going through this similar situations.. God bless you all love Liz 🙏❤️

[cat3 in reply to 1949liz]

A mother in waiting ; that really resonated with me Liz......🤔 x

[cat3]

I'm so, so sorry Lisa. Your words take me back to a dark place with my own son. He was a dynamic boy, working after school and weekends, and computer mad in his free time. After starting work full time and buying his first car he met a girl and became more outgoing.

Two years on and the girl was gone (with his best pal) and he was devastated. When he later found different friends (I saw he was being used as the only car owner) the trouble started.

He still lived with me then, and was loving and good tempered as always, but his 'friends' were older and I knew they were using drugs. When he came home hallucinating one Christmas eve I sat with him all night to keep him from jumping from his bedroom window (large sash)......"Because he could fly".

The crunch came when he was waylaid and threatened with a firearm one night after work ; he was told he needed to sneak drugs into prison that night or our home would be 'torched'. These are examples of so much more ; such an unreal and frightening period.

I intervened through devious (& desperate) means and the intervention just happened to coincide with a new girlfriend who's still his soulmate 20+years on.

I hope your beautiful boy will happen upon that one thing which changes everything m'love.

Sorry I've no helpful advice on this emotive subject... Cat x

[cat3]

Meant to say ........I wonder if a Headway card would've helped mitigate your son's behaviour ? Not helpful now of course but handy for explaining any future loss of control.

I worked with the probation service before my brain injury and we were meticulous in rooting out mitigating circumstances, not to excuse but to explain and clarify.. x

[Nanapal]

Good morning Lisa, your son is very lucky to have you as his mother. You know your beautiful boy is still there just very hidden at the moment.

As 1949liz advised your son has to acknowledge he has hit rock bottom and accept all and any professional help he can. Your continuing support can hold him up but can’t do it for him - I know you wish you could.

I really hope your son can find a way back up, get his life back on track and come to terms with his TBI.

Thinking of you, please take care. Nanapal. x