How do you help someone suffering from depression following s TBI who doesn’t want to help himself? Sams tried lots of antidepressants but they either caused bad side effects or didn’t work. Now he takes nothing. He didn’t see the point of meeting his psychologist and following 1 meeting with a psychiatrist and while still waiting for her report, he’s virtually decided that she knows nothing and is a waste of time. He said yesterday that he’s accepting that this is the way it’s going to be from now on. I’m 63, he’s my wonderful son and every day since his accident I’ve woken thinking of how he was the day before and that affects my day. I’m now coming to realise though that I’m going to wake up worried about him for the rest of my life and I can’t bear that. My question is how do you persuade someone to accept the help that’s offered?
How to help someone you love: How do you help... - Headway
How to help someone you love
Hetty, I wonder whether you son is mistaking the classic after-effects of his brain injury for depression, Most brain injuries cause lasting fatigue which ranges from mild to, in many cases, overwhelming if ignored. So unless your son is respecting his body's need for a less demanding lifestyle, the resultant exhaustion can be mistaken for either a) depression, or b) after-effects of mood stabilisers.
There are many different types of side-effect from antidepressants ranging from head noises, dizziness, visual disturbance, constipation etc., which can prevail for4-6 weeks before gradually abating as the drug is assimilated and the benefits kick in .
Side-effects persisting after that period of time usually indicated a chemical incompatibility and the need for an alternative, of which there are many. It can be a chore finding the 'one' but life affirming when you do.....
It might be that you need to remind your son of the long term effects of brain injury by downloading Headway's factsheet on TBI and its residual issues, then stand aside whilst it sinks in and he (hopefully) realises, independently, of his need for further support and intervention.
It's human nature resisting the idea that we're diminished in any way and preferable to blame other influences, but until he accepts any shortcomings and works with them, not against them, he will be frustrated.
I really hope your son will find his way to better days soon Hetty..... x
Hi Cat. I’ve been re reading your reply to my post - especially the last paragraph. I think I understand when you refer to working with his shortcomings and not against them. He told me the other evening that his colleague had taken over some of his workload and he regarded that as failure. I told him to take advantage of that and focus on one thing at a time and pace himself. He didn’t react against that as I expected but seemed to accept it and take it on board. If he could do more of that I’m sure it would help.
Today at work he was upset though because one of the girls criticised his memory (it’s loads better than it was but isn’t good when he’s tired) and it’s hit him hard. Not sure what to do about that especially as it’s happened before. In the early days when he returned to work I used to communicate with his line manager so that they were made aware of things where necessary. Sams 23 though and the last thing he needs is his mum interfering!
Emotional fragility seems to be common after any brain injury. After my discharge from the protectiveness of hospital, the world seemed full of emotional booby traps and, though I was never a 'crier', I was on the verge of a meltdown at every turn.
But my family and I were warned by my consultant that a compromised brain needs to gradually 'toughen up' by exposure to everyday ups and downs......which takes time and practice. I think it took 2 -3 years for me to relearn the art of shrugging off the niggles and genuinely feeling less sensitised to challenging events and comments.
Getting the hang of a Bi is a long process Hetty, and accepting that fact might make for some hopefulness for Sam. I really hope so. x
You can't force him ( it will make it far worse), it must come from himself. I would suggest you are in the correct place for help. If you can get him to look at this site he may begin to understand. My mother is exactly the same as yourself ( I hate the fact she worries constantly about me). I accept held for first few weeks after my heamorrage but had to move back home on my own as I needed to get better which will not happen if somebody is doing everything for me. Would love him to contact me as he is not alone, there are plenty of others in the same boat as him.
It’s so lovely to hear from someone who is in the same situation as Sam. As mums we try to do what’s best for our children but so often get it wrong. Worrying is on a mums job description as is molly coddling when what we need to do is to step back but be there in the background. Thank you for your valuable advice - please accept all my love to you (and your mum!) x
It destroys me to know my mother worries about me constantly ( you may not think it but we understand) even if we don't show it. My mother puts up with so much grief off me as I get rid off my anger and frustrations and she takes the brunt which can't be nice. I am not the same person as I was even though people constantly tell me I look fine. When tired ( most of the time) or stressed my speach becomes slurred ( others rarely see this as I find it embarrassing so I try to hide it). I would be lost without her and would not still be around if it wasn't for my mother's help. I am sure your son feels the same.
The things you are describing are exactly what I hear from Sam. We have a very strong relationship and it sounds as if you do with your Mum. We all have to regard ourselves as teams and I think the most important thing is that we keep talking. Over the months (it'll be 2 years in January since his accident) we’ve argued and cried together but the most important thing is that we are a strong team and we talk all the time. I’ve loved hearing from you - it means such a lot to hear from someone else who is going through the same situation x
Thank you so much - I’ve taken on board all that you’ve said. Very best wishes to you x
Morning Hetty, I support my husband who had an RTA 20years ago and has an ABI. En route I found that I had to wait for him to be ready. Whilst waiting I had to look after me first, making sure I was in the best shape to cope with what life throws at us. This involved looking after my mental health using the '5 steps to mental wellbeing', and focussing on what was good to keep my wellbeing good. I found Headway very useful speaking to other carers, but also for my husband to meet others with ABIs. Through speaking to others who understood him, he came to try tips from others. All the meds etc have side effects, and life with the meds may not be perfect, but it is finding the best balance and accepting the new 'norm'. Hang in there, look after you and your son will get there at his own pace.
Thank you Sue for replying for my post. You're so right about having to look after ourselves to be able to support others - I failed in this just after the accident by trying to do everything - visit Sam most days (he was in hospital over an hour away), keep up with full time work in between and running a house and I paid the price. I got back on form but learned from this. I will do as you say - hang in there and be there for whatever Sam needs from me x
Just listened to a radio show for mental health week. Our son spoke about his mental health struggles starting at 16. Now 25 he has got to the place that if he is going to live, he will live well. He has strategies to help himself and is also helping others via his work. On air he thanked us for being there for him through thick and thin - tough at the time but well worth it. Keep looking after you and your son will benefit. xx
What a lovely thing to hear from your son - you must be very proud of him xx
Hi Sue. I re-read your reply tonight. I’d be really interested to know more about the strategies your son put in place. Is this something you feel able to share?
I saw him yesterday Hetty and asked him to give me some hints/tips. He is just moving apartments so may take a few weeks to get back to you. what did you do to look after you yesterday?
I know that what you said about looking after yourself is really important but I’m not totally there yet. Having said that I’ve started to focus on my own health. My health is good but diet hasn’t been and I eat and drink things I shouldn’t. I’m working on this and starting to benefit xx
Hi Sue - lovely to hear from you again. I'm going to the gym regularly and trying to build other things into my life - my husband is a bit shocked - he likes his wife to be looking after her husband!! I've always put so much into caring for everyone else. It makes me happy to be able to support my adult children emotionally and with whatever they need - I also put a lot of thought into caring for my mother. She's in a care home so well looked after but I manage her affairs and am now able to visit her each week as she lives closer to me. I think a lot of mums put themselves at the back of the queue and that's where they stay.
I'm going to look at a couple of flats with Sam on Saturday. He's now in a position where he's able to consider buying his own flat and although it scares me I think it's probably exactly what he needs to support his healing process. I've got mixed emotions - really excited that he's making this move and really scared - is he going to cope and hope am I going to cope with no children at home!! I need to keep myself busy!
Heather x
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