realisation

[Dann2]

i’m sorry if this is triggering to anyone, not my intention. I know we all suffer from different conditions and i hope i dont come across badly on here. i can never find the right words to describe my thoughts.

I cant sleep, and i’ve had the realisation that i have serious emotional issues - i struggle to feel love and connection with others. Emotionally flat, no feeling seems to come naturally to me. This is really awful and makes me wonder what the point of my life is if i can’t experience this. i want it very much. It’s what ended my last relationship three years ago which i still haven’t been able to process properly. it was a massive loss for me. Thoughts of suicide creep in when i think about this issue.

… As it leads onto me thinking that i will never be able to be with someone, give and receive love, get married, have kids, live a loving life with others. I have been disconnected and lonely for many years now. i get so upset when i see everyone around me living normal lives but i’m unable. i just cannot see it happening to me and the thought of being alone for years to come is impossible to live with. My head is ringing all the time and my vision is glary which also disconnects me a lot. I’ve tried therapy several times, but it always just comes back to the fact that medication side-effects have done this to me, and then there is nothing more to talk through, just a massive dead end, that talking therapy can’t resolve. So now i just have lost all hope, really. Not sure how to get better, feel like i’m just stuck in this damaged state, without a chance of any magic in life.

i’ve had some other types of trauma in my life - parents divorcing, Dad dying when i was a teenager, and i wish it was ‘just’ these things i had to work through and resolve, but my realisation is that it’s the medication that has kind of fried my brain and there’s no going back, or way to recover.

my future scares me very much, as i can see how things are turning out. i don’t want to be a lonely middle aged man without a partner or any friends. but i also could never take my own life, so there is no option but to just carry on… try and talk to another councillor maybe, go back to my GP maybe, seek second opinions… etc etc etc, all tried before, lots of times. i’m so fed up with it all (as i’m sure you all are at reading this).

apologies if this all just sounds very self absorbed, but these are the worrying thoughts i’m having tonight. D

[Fificakes2]

Maybe try a change of anti depressant?Also have you had counselling for PTSD? There's an eye blink exercise that's good for processing memories.

This worked well for me and I've had lots of counselling, it is an ongoing process and you can keep going back as your feelings change.

Feeling and emotion are very powerful and I find it a lot harder to process them and to understand people.

It's a horrible situation and realisation for you about sharing your life, I've had similar but I keep hoping for the right person...

How long ago was your brain injury? Mine was 13 years ago and I keep changing just a little bit and it make relationships easier for me. I'm late 30s so it comes up in my head a lot too.

Best wishes and I hope that you feel more like you want to be living person than dead. It's very difficult emotion to go through and scary.

[Lisamarsh in reply to Fificakes2]

my son who is 34 feels exactly the same since his TBI/craniotomy in 2019. He is in a really bad/low place atm. So much so that I have just posted on this site for some advice as I’m so worried about him. I’m sending you a big hug and hope that you are able to get the help that you need to feel better. I will keep you updated on any feedback that I get from my post, as it might be of some help to you too. Take good care of yourself x

[Shreds]

All I can say is we all have ‘down’ days and sometimes it can be even be a week before the depression clears a little.

Unfortunately a lot of helplines are often of no help and are not open when you need them most, although I wil say that I have found Headway one of the best.

Coming here is also one good place as it makes you realise you are not alone or have the biggest problems even if the rest of the world are completely ignorant and self centred.

I also try to go out and meet others in unrelated areas where it is possble to discuss many other things which ultimately takes the burden away at least for a few hours. Opening up is not easy and whilst I dont say much about my TBI, its strange how listening to others makes you realise that others have their own hidden issues, so you are not alone.

I am highlighting things that work for me and hope you can do similar. Such strategies help even if the underlying issues remain. What I will say is that we all need a break and good days to balance out the negative ones.

Finally, I have discovered that most people here do have a better understanding of the issues so feel free to splurge it all out. Thats what it for but do call the helpline tomorrow and see if that assists any more.

[Leaf100]

Hi Dann2, others have already said what occurs to me..

The only one I will add it try tapping (EFT)

And acupuncture- community acupuncture is affordable. Even if you tried it before, try it again.. I tried it before and It wasn't for me, now I can do it sometimes and it helps.

It's hard to try things when you feel down, try stuff without expectation just for something to do, and see where it goes.

Leaf

[Teazymaid]

hi Dann the only emotion that I seem to have is anger .. I’ve been emotionally dead for two and a half years . I’ve tried reducing ans eventually stopping anti depressants ans emotionally still dead but anxiety and heart rate raised so I’m back in them at half dose which is working better for the anxiety and racing heart ..

the emotional dead bit is weird I know I should be sad, happy , etc but it very rarely has a emotional feeling .. it’s just dead ….

I think I’ve just excepted this is a part of me now and really want my anger more controlled ..

so difficult to explain this to anyone .. it’s just being on here that has helped me adjust to the new me ..

please try another councillor as they are all very different and you may not have met the right one yet … I’ve had a few councillors pre TBI and some where a waste of time and others helped me live with another traumatic event in my life including PTSD … sue x

[Nafnaf87]

Good morning Dann2 and of course to all our other friends here 🌞

We get it Dann, what you describe we all feel - by the way you describe the feelings rather better than I can 🤯 It's good to unload, saves going completely bonkers rather than just closing in on yourself.

I mentioned recently I forced the Neurologist chap into doing something about the headache after 25 years occasionally nudging all the other very clever people. So I had to slow down and stop the Sertraline intake over a couple of weeks which was alright cos I thought it was useless anyway! So on Saturday I started the Prednisolone and Nortriptyline combo which as much as you can possibly know after a day didn't throw up any dodgy reactions - hooray. Sunday night I tried to watch Braveheart which I think I've seen a few times before - I completely lost the plot, emotions went wild 🤔 and had to give up and go to bed. Then yesterday the news presenter, George Alagiah, fell off his perch after many years fighting bowel cancecancer - I don't really remember him but that really blew me to bits as well.

Thoughts of why bother, wouldn't it be easier to take a bottle of Talisker to the summit of Carnedd Llewelyn and quietly fall off the cliff?

Well no, get up, dust yourself down because there is a good possibility the sun will rise and shine tomorrow and something will happen to make us smile 😊

Whatever Dann, always remember you are worth it

Best wishes

Michael

[Letsrock]

Hi Dann2, sorry you are still feeling thus way😔.

Have you trued to contact enable? A friendly place with activities that can help you meet people to work on your feelings and they work with the social care. They do activities of all kind. Try the mental health nhs crisis team, they have 24hour line on 111 mental health. They also do counciling for weeks. Try Samaritans 116 123? They could give you futher support groups. The councils have brain injury support groups and of course you have headway for support and meeting groups?

Try and contact them as you do need somebody in person to talk to rather than typing, although it is nice to hear that you are not alone. We are all human and do require the personal touch for feelings.

Please contact then all and then let us know how you get along with talking or arranging to go to any meetings.

Do it Dann2 and this will make you 😃

[sashaming1]

Hang in there.