So I travel home today after a few days visiting my parents. I only do this so my sons can see their granddad...quite a long story so I shan’t bore you all... my dad won’t accept my husband of 9.5 years and will never visit me or our two boys because of this..
I’m wide awake now and all while I’ve been here I struggle, obviously it hurts my husband so he’s very quiet and moody, like it’s my fault. Yes I do choose to come visit, as our boys want to visit their Nanna and they have such fun. I however am reminded constantly how ‘disobedient’ I’ve been subconsciously, while front face my dad is all hugs and appreciation for me making all the effort.
Yes very complicated, but at the end of the day I’m hurt by this situation just as much if not more than my husband! I’m the one making the effort of traveling, organising, keeping the peace. Yes I can’t imagine what’s it’s like to be dismissed for 12 years for no reason whatsoever. I know it hurts him having our boys here and him not. But at least their my parents and not just old friends that he’s never met! He’s taken my boys to stay and visit his old friends before.
Hmmmm just rambling now I guess, my heads sore, my throats sore and as per usual I’m running out of mind space of what to say! I don’t know how this forum is kept up! Thankfully folk out there can chat away on here
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Hi, this sounds very difficult. You sound very hurt too and distant emotionally from your dad. Almost both of your parents. Do you know what has caused your Father's response? X
My dad is a very damaged man.... since our accident back in 2000 resulting in my BI as well as losing both sisters (his daughters.) he has not dealt with it, even now his best friend in their new house and area is not aware of the family history. I met my now husband around the time of the court case to settle my insurance claim - we had to wait 8/9 years until I was an adult to see how the BI had effected my life. So in a way I can see dad supporting me all these years with medical expert visits assessments therapies then he comes along and takes over in his eyes... he also had some money dispute at the beginning and claim that my husband could not look after me. We prosponed the wedding for 2 years then I Realised dad wasn’t going to make any effort with getting to know my husband so we might as well get married... still hoping he would turn up. Now even after 2 sons he won’t even come and visit the area to see us. Won’t acknowledge him in conversation. Don’t get me wrong I have tried, over the years so many tears, letters, visits not much more I can do... so I still come down just so my boys can see their grandad (though it’s for Nanna really, my dad has no filter and already is starting to potentially upset the boys - I can’t leave my dad on his own with them, even my mum agrees) my husband too, he’s done nothing but support me.
Very shortened version.... I bet your sorry you asked! Thank you for responding though xx
Your dad isn't "damaged". A true atrocity broke him. I can not directly relate, but my past is in it's own way - an atrocity.
Your dad seems like most dad's in that when you three came into his world, that just shined the light on his whole being. To be that 'father' and protector to suddenly and horrifically *snap your fingers* and they're gone is not just a heart wrenching thing, but a literal soul-destroying moment and regardless of how wonderful/supportive & loving as you are to him, seeing you is always going to be a stark reminder of what he's lost.
Your dad, your proud to be a dad, Dad is never ever going to be the same. That kind of heart implosion even Dementia couldn't cloud so by the sounds of what you said - your Dad could use a 'higher level of understanding' and not just love & care.
It's a very brave thing for you to sit and type up this emotional monster inside you so I hope that me too being blunt doesn't offend :/
Time is as you have experienced firsthand, a great healer, but "time" doesn't always matter to our core soul and your Dad I think - lost the soul he always knew so if you want to "fix" him, that's never going to happen. I don't believe that's possible. Maybe though if you drop hint every so often something to encourage a comment or recollection of your sisters and all of you with your Dad, you can gradually help him exchange his 'horror' for 'smiling about happy memories'...
I am nowhere near grounded and happy with my life as it is right now, but I'm hopeful. I have a normalish life with friends and stuff to do constantly. I'm not just a saddo that likes to act like a know-it-all in places like this, but I saw your post and it resonated with me so I really hope my input can help even in the slightest.
Thank you for your response, he is damaged though, I don't mean this in malice I mean it’s my own personal way of thought to support me in helping him, giving him the extra time and consideration and I do realise he won’t ever get better. Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think I posed any questions as to what I can do, it was just a being awake early morning and whilst visiting my folks the words were clear...ish that I needed to get them out.
Thank you very much for your your response tho I agree with Cat it was very rationalised, wish more people thought like this and saw the bigger picture sometimes!
His 'damage' may be irreparable, but with your help maybe he can become someone new...
By the way you explained yourself and his 'situation', you amounted through dedication - a more 'normal' life and that is something truly special especially considering what happened, but your dad to me seems to be in this emotional rut that he's become buried so deep in it's become almost impossible for him to be anyone else.
Obviously, that's more than understandable and how you found a way to move forward you should be proud about. Your dad didn't get to grow up and find someone to love and then have beautiful children with. He already experienced that gift in his life and *poof - it's gone and no one that hasn't experienced that exact grief would ever understand or give you a magic pill to make all that deep rooted pain dissapear, but maybe just maybe bit by bit you can piece your dad's broken puzzle back together.
You guys lost two people you knowing or unknowingly lived for, but he still has you & you him so in this instance you are the luckier one that healed and because you love your Dad maybe you can switch roles right now to be the one that stands with him to face his demons.
Good luck again with everything and I sincerely hope you and your Dad can build up again together
Hey, I am so pleased you replied and said what happened. Horrible situation. It sounds like he is scared of or feels he has lost you to your husband perhaps. Poor man, but he is taking it out on you and your husband. Unresolved grief, depressed spring to mind.
I am sure you have done all you can and do for your boys and your Mother. I am not sure you can change the situation. Your husband sounds like a true diamond.
It has been a tough few years for you! Good luck, and do what you do. Maybe one day a shift will be hinted at. 💐
Just want to applaud 👏 Markus's reply ; so rational !
I echo everything he's said and can only suggest you continue to switch your emotions on and off where your father is concerned. When we've been so deeply hurt it seems we often need someone to blame in order to dilute that hurt.
I don't know what caused such a devastating accident, but people often blame themselves for stuff they had no control over, when it happens to loved ones.
I've never forgiven myself for not being available when my mum was phoning me during a fatal heart attack. But to lose two daughters and have another badly affected is an unnatural & tragic loss, and I'll bet your dad has natural feelings of parental powerlessness. And relief from that level of grief and anger is often sought through transference to another.
I'm sure this is just a reminder of what you already know, but I hope you can find a way to mentally compartmentalise your visits, whilst keeping separate communication going with your mum.
Thank you Cat, well I had a good ramble to reply to you with such thought went into it... then the train conductor stopped my flow of thinking!
But no, thank you for the words of encouragement, yes I am aware I guess I just needed a bit of a ‘spout’ lying in bed unable to sleep this morning! As long as my boys are happy is the stance I have to take. I just hope they keep it up as this last visit my dad actually ended up making my son well up at one point, just for his non rationalism while talking, taking a joke too far perhaps. Deep breaths are had by all! Yes we all have our stories to tell so we can’t judge just need to crack on with it and make the best out of the situation..
Would it be possible for your parents to meet you half way? Arrange a meet up on neutral territory somewhere that isn't your father's 'domain' so to speak. Somewhere with other things for everyone to ficus on such as a zoo/ national trust property/ beach / somewhere with walks / cafe? Somewhere where your dad isn't in charge. Having other things to look at and talk about can sometimes take the tension out of otherwise difficult situations and might help break the ice somewhow? I'm sure you may have already tried this, but thought it worth a mention anyway.
Hi, sorry about the delay in response - I’m rather bad on this site
Unfortunately this idea has been shut down before it was even entertained... just have to make the best out of it! Thank you very much for your response, much appreciated Elenor3.
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