Today was awful. I have just come to the end of it and realised why I feel so odd. I just feel like a complete failure. Like I'm leaving half finished jobs and empty promises everywhere I go and to everyone I deal with. Like I'm not doing enough for my kids, or my husband who I'm carer to. Like I need more hands or more me's.
Just having a moan.
Hi Ored,it's OK to have a moan. I do, frequently. Now I'm going to indulge in a ramble for you to read, if you fancy dipping a toe into the oddities that are my thoughts. If not, skip to the last para!
I think that very often those of us who are ill and/or family carers of whatever nature set the bar too high for ourselves. The daily struggle with life, just getting by never mind succeeding, takes its toll. If things aren't going well for me, I automatically assume it's my fault. I've been stupid, said the wrong thing, been lazy, could/should have done more or better; I think it's a throwback to childhood when we were being told by teachers and or parents that we could have done better or have disappointed in some way.
We want to do a splendid job, but all we can really do is our best, whether that works out or not.
I finally learned to moderate my self-expectations when the penny dropped that I am not really in control of very much at all. I don't mean that I think it's someone else at fault when I'm feeling low or things go awry, I mean that it isn't always possible for me to 'manage' away a problem or resolve an issue successfully or be all things to all people or get it right first time every time. What a horrible slogan that last phrase is!
I now think it's OK to get things wrong, to feel fed up, worn out and as though I've had enough.
I've learned that sad feelings will pass and that some days will be better; one or two will be very good indeed.
I found that meditation, mindfulness and reading/listening to Eckart Tolle and similar subject matter helped me tremendously, especially in explaining why we can get so worked up about things, which makes us feel worse, also that everyone can choose not to do that, but it's not easy to get into that mindset and needs a lot of focus and practise.
So, I think you should feel free to have a moan. Try not to beat yourself up about it either, or anything else come to that, and tell yourself that you're doing the best you can regardless of the outcome.
Also, a sit down with a cup of excellent coffee and a rich chocolate biscuit (Marks and Spencer chocolate-coated ginger biscuits are excellent) can work wonders.
I hope you feel a little brighter very soon!
Hi,
Thanks for the ramble. It's good to have a read of a ramble, I won't lie.
I'm trying not to do too many things or have too high expectations, but how do you now do that for others? We have two young kids and of course I have my husband who probably gets the most of my effort (guilt because he's had his time of that makes any sense. I should really be ploughing into our kids). He also doesn't care much for my efforts. Wait there's a rant coming so I'll just stop there.
I'm trying to find something that I enjoy or that brings me joy, still searching!🙂
Thanks for saying this bridgeit, very wise words for all of us I think. Love and prayers to you and ored. Just take any momentary joy in any small thing that happens along x
Hi ored, I can empathise with how you feel except I am on my own, so don't have the added aspect of care duty.
Since my wife finally left (a blessing because the abuse stopped). I have been pottering along. Spring cleaning occurs about December, and I have been actually rebuilding my kitchen. Don't get excited, it has taken three years so far, I get the odd time where there is a flurry of activity, then there are times of complete stand still, and times of just trying to attempt half hour. This would be easier with a second pair of hands, and a brain that can work out things when mine is on strike. Some days the time flies, others drag but still don't have enough time to achieve anything.
The brain union has been striking more often, this has lead to various investigations over the last year with not many answers.
My life didn't seem to be a problem to me, but is to the drs. The support that has been promised, not that I know what support I need has evaporated. So I guess I will continue to muddle on.
Sorry, no solutions, or pointers, just showing that you are not alone in your thoughts. 🍀
Thanks for the share. I'm attempting to do nicer things to my awful tiny kitchen as well. Rather than just slap some paint on the walls. Wish I had never started 😆. Honestly I just need one little clone. Is that so much to ask NHS?About support, I hear what you are saying. It's like the most frustrating and painful system in the land.
"You need some support." they say
"Can I have some support?" I ask
"Maybe, actually probably not." they reply.
This...on repeat.
I did have any choice with the kitchen. I would have run a mile if I'd seen the house before I bought it, but I wasn't up to traveling at the time, so my ex did the recon. This house is mad. It originally had three kitchens, yes three, and none of them were usable. I could list the problems, but you'd think I made it up 😀
3 kitchens is madness. Why would your ex have though that a viable option?!
I really don't know what she was thinking, or even what the previous occupants were thinking!
The house is converted from two maisonettes. They took the middle of the chimney out, leaving the top unsupported, so I had to have the top taken out. They didn't really changed the layout of the ground floor, which could explain one of the extra kitchens, but the third?????? The upstairs was altered to make four bedrooms, none are a good size and there are two bathrooms, one with a bath and one with a shower. There were only ever two people in the house when it was converted in the 70s. There are two main water stopcocks, and I think the wiring was not charged from its original fitting, just merged at the fusebox, or two fuseboxs, the shower was run of the cooker feed. I have recently had to get a sparky in to reconnect the remaining kitchen and run a new cooker point, the lighting was originally run off the, socket ring. And I had to get new windows as the original were falling out, even on the new build (70s) part. I could do with DIY SOS coming in to completely rebuild the place, or a lottery win. I'm just attempting to make the house look better than a doer upper so I can sell and move. If I die before achieving my goal, I'm going to come back and haunt the damn place! 😉
😆😆😆. Me 2 years ago would have loved the idea of this. Current me wants to run and hide, and it's not even my House!!!!
Sorry things aren't great ored. I can't say anything better than bridgeit has, but take care and hang on in there. Thinking of you x
Thanks❤️
Hi Ored
I can relate.
All you say is normal and is more when you are in constant overload.
My Mom is very elderly and very unwell now, so I do all the cooking, cleaning, running errands, help her get ready for bed etc, manage all her appointments and etc.
At first she really though I was being a jerk aometimes, but now she gets it is the brain injury acting up.
Like I will go to pit the jettle on, but have to out water through the filter first, and then get distracted bu something and forget I was heating water.
Or she tries to talk to me whenI am doing simething - to her looks like just wandering around - and I am not able to do the task and converse at the same time.
Luckily she has figured it out. This has not suddenly elevated her to angel status though, as a human she still gets cranky.
Missing things, stopping in the middle, not remembering something, can't find whatever, etc are all overload signs.
Of course you are going to feel like that sometimes, even doing the best you can.
- unsolicited idea feel free to ignore - I am wondering if Headway has info you could go over with your kids wo they can understand better, and you can get aome guidance as to how they can also conteibute to the household. Generally I find young people are more capable than we often give them credit for. Teaching themto be self motivating i terms of conteibutingto therunning of a household is actually a good thing - they will always be sought after as roomies, already domesticated spouses, and havung their own place later will be something they manage better.
I also have been told I need help with this or that aka outside support , but I also know by this time I am not going to get it. So, muddling along and things looking like you shoukd really be in a home yourself may be the best you can do.
My Mom is also eligible for support because of her situation but in actuality doesnxt get it because I am here - they do not care that I am disabled myself, the box 'has rely ' is ticked and that seems to be the end of it.
I also have my moments whenI worry I am not doing well enough, and I sure can and do compare to me BBI (before brain injury) and I am well aware of the gap. I do push myself a lot as is necessary and realize living in the constant overload is the price and such living on the edge takes some managemet I sure do not always get right.
It is a difficukt situation so of course we all need a moan now and then. You've a lot on your plate. Sometimes you just need to say it somewhere others get it.
Big hug to you
Leaf x
Hi Leaf! I woke this morning and it was like "crap...a day of things". Then stayed in bed until midday out if protest (my kids found me regardless". Had a mini melt at my eldest and today he's been great with his dad. Set up his shower, set up his Xbox so that he could try and get a game in (this is an important rehabby thing that did not go well when he arrived home at 1st). Vacummed the living room, went to the shop and took out the bins. He's 11 and the most disorganised human in all the land so needed a lot of prompting and there was a fair bit of huffing and puffing. But yes you're right they can't just sail along while I drown in the waves. I've also locked myself in the kitchen a couple of times today. They have come to know that if the kitchen door is closed I would like some peace.
So pacing ..but for carers may be needed😆
Good! His future wife will thank you - he'll already be housebroken.
(And yes, even younger ones also are more capable than we think. )
And big yes, carers definitely also need pacing. Humans are not robots.
x
🤣yes this is my thinking as well. Though housebreaking him may actually break me as well!!!!
I was listening to a podcast yesterday and the guy (obviously I wasn't paying enough attention to names, but I was self soothing with podcastery).... anyway he was saying that we always have impossible standards. Run faster, be neater, do all the things on the list. That we don't embrace "good enough" and that it's damaging to us and those around us. We can't do all the things, and we certainly shouldn't be trying to tick all the boxes. I find this really difficult to accept I realise. 😳
On the BBC News website today...
Been to see a Neuropsychologist today
Feeling very sad today
Today is the EU elections
