Shouting

[Braininjurysurvivor]

Does any one get really scared or confused when people shout at you when I say people I mean your partners

[WinB]

No I tell them off and say a few rude words. I knew I was getting better when my husband shouted at me. For 2 years he had been by my side and got Daughter to make sure I was okay. The better I got the more I tried to be independent and one day he shouted . The sky was blue and so was the air. But he is a good man and I love him so xxxxx But normality is back in our lives. The odd row and the odd telling off but he was there when I needed him most. Good luck with hubby try talking to him.

[Braininjurysurvivor in reply to WinB]

I’ve tried telling him shouting doesn’t help it makes me worse but he shouts when it’s not my fault for example last night I had barely any sleep and at 4 am I was sitting in my bed crying my heart out because I was in pain and he started shouting he tries to turn it into my fault we aren’t going to be together much longer he isn’t the most supportive of people xx

[WinB in reply to Braininjurysurvivor]

So Sorry to hear this, shame when you split as my Parents when alive were back and forwards like yo yo's argue ..leave ..make up...dance...argue again. row and dance to Love letters in the sand, Pat Boone song.

It is your life so do what you think is right for you.

Must admit hubby gets fed up with my short term memory loss ha ha

[Hidden in reply to Braininjurysurvivor]

🤗 🌹

[Nackapan in reply to Braininjurysurvivor]

He nerve somewhere else tk let off steam. My husband when still in work mode shouts. Its painful.

[Kirk5w7]

No, shouting doesnt help, any kind of discord affects my brain function badly, i have to remove myself from situation and sit quietly til i am more able to function.

I come back with a smile and say ok lets do that again!

My husband gives me the rolling eyes and “that tone” to his voice but i just say it is what it is and i dont do or say things deliberately.

It must be hard to live with me at times, i know cos i find it hard too!!

I hope you can work this out, being alone isnt a walk in the park either.

Take care

Janet

[Richdp]

There's no way you should have to deal with people shouting at you!!!

[paxo05]

I think people shouting can firstly put you on the defensive plus the volume itself seems to make me unable to process what they are actually saying. Add to this usually people who shout also speed up what they are saying. This also does not aid in me understanding them.

The result I either shut down or worse still go into overload . This results in me going into my own rage. Thankfully the latter is a rare occurrence.

The normal outcome is when I shut down it seems to take the heat out of the situation . This usually allows either myself or someone who knows me that shouting at me has no positive benefit.

I also find the headway card also helps difsuse the situation.

Pax

[Mrspepperpot1 in reply to paxo05]

Bless you... I just can’t cope with it. Do you mind me asking what the headway card is please.

[Marnie22 in reply to Mrspepperpot1]

The Headway ID card is a photo ID that explains that you have an acquired brain injury and gives a brief summary of your four most significant difficulties. You can show it to people and ask them to read it so you don't have to explain everything over and over and it gives credibility to what you are trying to get them to understand. I have used mine very successfully in my local bank and at appointments at the opticians. Mine took several months to get processed by Headway because there was a lot of demand but it's well worth getting. All the information on getting one is on the Headway website.

[Braininjurysurvivor in reply to Marnie22]

I do have one of those and makes me feel better knowing I have it thou the only person that really shouts at me is my partner

[Marnie22 in reply to Braininjurysurvivor]

That's not good for anyone. I hope you can find a positive way forward.

[Pairofboots in reply to Braininjurysurvivor]

I maybe getting the wrong end of the tale. But shouting is never helpful.

It can be a sign of frustration, either with you, or how frustrated your partner feels.

It can be more sinister. My ex wife would raise her voice, usually implying I was being, in her view, unreasonable.

It took me year's to work out I was being used and abused. A bit strange, my job before my hiccup was a RN(MH) violence reduction specialist, so I should have recognised the behaviour. When I started to challenge the behaviour, well that is why she is ex.

[Froggiefrog in reply to Pairofboots]

The difficulty with taking a view that all raised voices in response to a situation are 'wrong' is that it will always gain popular support, because it is an unpleasant experience. This said, it may occur for a variety of reasons, some of which would see many thinking a raised voice is perfectly understandable.

Unless you take a balanced view and accept that frustration is going to spill over at some point, especially in people who give up so much for us, you run the risk of demonising people without whom many of us would be completely at sea.

If someone is constantly doing all they can to minimise the effects of something on you, out of care, love or both and is met with a thoughtless response, a raised voice of admonishment IS reasonable, as is a reminder of what is and is not unacceptable.

Having a brain injury, or congenital brain condition is not a licence to do what you want, when you want, nor would I ever want it to be. If I am shouted out, my main concern would be to find out, if not obvious, what has made it happen and how we can make sure it doesn't happen again, if possible.

Realistic expectations are fine. For me, expecting no reaction occasionally to what those who look out for us have to endure does not meet my criteria for realistic.

[Pairofboots in reply to Froggiefrog]

That is why I said about response to frustration as well as the not so nice side. I had forgotten I had previously responded to this, it is further down the comments, which leans more to the frustration, from before my own hiccup. (20 days ago)

[Mrspepperpot1]

I get very upset with my youngest daughter 20 years old. She has her own flat.... but shouts and the things she’s says are so nasty...I couldn’t begin or repeat the things she’s says.

I feel like I don’t want any contact with her... she makes my headaches and anxiety 100 times worse... I don’t want no contact or nothing to do with her..... I’m awaiting for my AN to be removed. Can’t walk straight, tired constantly! All she wants is money all the time.......I’m not giving her anymore, it makes me so upset the disgusting things she says.....

she makes me suicidal at times.

X

[Braininjurysurvivor in reply to Mrspepperpot1]

Omg you poor thing that sounds absolutely awful bran a tear to my eye x

[Mrspepperpot1 in reply to Braininjurysurvivor]

I can’t believe she says the things she does, my close family can’t believe what she’s like.

You take care xx

[Braininjurysurvivor in reply to Mrspepperpot1]

You take care aswell my whole family have been awful through all of this I can’t believe the way they have been I’ve learnt to not expect people to be the way you think they should that’s one big lesson I’ve learnt xx

[Marnie22]

I don't think anyone should have to put up with bring shouted at. I had a 'frend' who shouted at me in a local cafe. I never met with her again.

Perhaps you could point out to your partner that you understand that he wants to communicate with you but that he needs to do it in s different way; shouting won't result in s positive outcome for anyone

[Braininjurysurvivor in reply to Marnie22]

I have tried this so much every time I say about it he says he won’t shout any more and then along comes another time where his shouting although he calls it raising his voice and tries to make out it’s all my fault 😢

[Marnie22 in reply to Braininjurysurvivor]

Does he ever shout at anyone else? If he doesn't, it would suggest that he can control it but is choosing not to when he gets annoyed with you. It's just unacceptable. You shouldn't have to put up with it. I find shouting to be disrespectful and aggressive. It can be scary too. I hope you can find s solution that works for you.

[ZoeAdams]

Sorry - I agree with others above: being shouted at is unacceptable in any circumstances. I think this is the issue, rather than how to cope with it after TBI.

[WinB]

If my Daughter shouts at me I tell her" excuse me your voice is doing my brain in" Bless her she has been so good..What gets to me I have a Sister a nice Sis the first thing she said was after me being out for over a year with hydrocephalus .."Win what was you going to tell me". How do I know lol I was on phone to her in kitchen, Trying to cook hubs tea... Blame it on the curry being hot my head exploding lol j/k xxxx

[lcd8]

I just get really upset. I can't take people shouting at me at all.

[Mrspepperpot1 in reply to lcd8]

I can’t either hun x It does make me very upset, mines but my daughter!!!

Not talking at all now.... which I prefer as it’s peaceful with my older daughter and me. X

[Froggiefrog]

Whilst I am not condoning anyone being shouted at and feel sure this won't necessarily go down too well, I for one, am prepared to accept that some of my behaviour must be, totally unintentionally, very frustrating and annoying to have to deal with.

There are things that I have done or said that I know if the boot had been on the other foot, I would have been very frustrated by and yes, perhaps to the point of shouting.

Out of context, it is very easy to say " oh yes, shouting is unacceptable," but I have been the one doing the things that would test the patience of a saint and to expect it never to provoke any kind of reaction may be unrealistic.

In the context of many months of nothing but care, support and love, a very rare outburst in response to an act of stupidity on my part is perfectly understandable and acceptable to me. We get so much from those who look out for us. To damn and shame for an isolated reaction, is something I could never do, not least because I'd be a total hypocrite, if I did.

[Pairofboots]

My ex wife went out her way to mentally abuse me, and to financially abuse. I was two unwell at first, but when I started to stand up for myself, she decided to move on, the final insult was the divorce, but the judge was fair, and cut through the sharade.

It might be different in your situation. I remember working with relatives that were allegedly abusive. In most cases, it was frustration and a lack of understanding. The first case I took on was as st/n, I attended an adult protection meeting, and foolishly as a st/n, opened my gob. Haypresto, I got my first solo case. But I was proven to be right.

I don't know your situation, if it is safe, discuss how your partner effects you, he maybe unaware.

If it is not, or you don't feel safe talking about it with him, talk to your care team or GP, they can then put safeguarding in place.

[Lynd]

This is an interesting conversation.

My husband left hospital not remembering his own house or town he has lived in for ten years. He couldn't remember how to do the simplest of tasks. No support for me. After a carers assessment I was told I would have a vist from social services in about six months.

I had to shut my business and dedicate my life to him. So having to take control of both our lives with little support began.

Yes there have been times I have shouted. I honestly doubt there is a carer in the land that hasn't.

I love my husband and I will do what I can as long as I am able.

17 months later my husband is functioning pretty well but still a way to go.

We are all survivors of Brain Injury in our own way. It is a hard path to walk.

If anyone really think they are being abused they should contact social services.

[SaveSamStrider in reply to Lynd]

Off topic and I hope it’s ok to ask: how long did it take for your husband’s memory to return? How is it now? Any short term issues?

[Lynd in reply to SaveSamStrider]

Hi,

Long term memory is ok Ish.

Short term not so good,better than it was. He has a good sense of time and place now.

We are 17 months in now.

Think time helps x

[sealiphone]

The first thing to say is that such behavior is defined as domestic violence. If Leanne's partner wasn't like this before we have to consider why he's acting like this.

From what I've heard this seems fairly common, partners can feel like they've lost their loved one and sense that their partner no longer loves them.

In a ideal situation partners would have their own support from the ABI team, so that they don't feel abandoned with all this chaos in their 'new life'.

Having said that this type of abuse can lead to long term mental health problems and removing yourself from the situation may be the only safe option.

[Feebie8]

Yes, I have noticed something physiologically happens when someone gets annoyed or angry at me. Thankfully not anyone close to me.

I work at a builders merchants and have always had a thick skin to put up with builders and their chat. It has only happened twice (since I've hit my head) that I have recignised that somebody was annoyed at me and I think my response was disbelief, panic, uncertainty and I'm not sure what else.

I haven't experienced it enough to reconcile or understand how I'm responding but I do believe there is fear in there too. Infact the second time it happened I was so anxious that I had chest pains for about 30mins, I had to go recover in the kitchen 🤷‍♀️