How to I stop my children hating their Dad?

[Paulswife]

I don’t know how to cope anymore. How do I stop my children hating their Dad. He can’t cope with them and shouts and says some really horrible things to them. A year in and I’m done, I can’t justify what he says and at 9 and 10 they have said to me today that they hate him, and I always say it’s his injury and to be nice to daddy but Its constant. In truth, I feel the same way as life is now just being shouted and spoken to like rubbish, nothing is good enough and he has no concept of how hurtful his words are and I can’t keep being the referee pre-empting his moods, trying to separate him and the children. I spend my life walking on egg shells, I am exhausted and there is just no support for the children and I feel I am just watching their lives be ruined and I don’t know what to do.

[Kirk5w7]

I’m afraid that sometimes brain injury just changes an individual for ever.

Have you spoken with his consultants andGP to see if there is likely to be a glimmer of hope?

If you have and there is little chance of change then you have to think of yourself and the children and if it means you have to leave him then so be it.

No one who lives with brain injury would blame you.

You didn’t sign up for this and I know marriage vows say in sickness and in health, your own and the health of your children has to be taken into consideration.

You need breathing space away from him to sort your future out.

Please look into what possibilities there may be and take care of the whole of your family not just your husband.

Good luck

Janet x

[BaronC]

Brain injury can be a vicious beast and sadly it seems like your husband has suffered an injury that has turned him into something you never thought he could be. He could improve in time, though it is highly likely that what he is now is what he has become. Yes, he might be a watered down version in the future though his 'new normal' might just be what he is now. I know that is so hard to hear and it is awful for you, however sometimes the harsh truth is all there is.

You MUST think of yourself and your children and do whatever you think is right for you and them.

[Hidden]

Time for you to leave, I'm sure he will be happier on his own. I have isolated myself since my brain heamorrage as I realise I can be cutting with my remarks and certainly can't be around someone who doesn't understand the concept of what has happened to me. So I think you should go.

[Lynd]

I think we all understand the concept of Brain Injury but living with it can at times be very difficult for all concerned.

Luckily no young children in our house but If there was I truly think I couldn't have coped with my husband.

A very hard decision for you but I think your children must come first.

[guitarlady]

Hello, It is very very hard to cope with a person who has changed. My friend Andy collapsed and fell into the road in April this year and sustained a traumatic brain injury, he's 69. I am his friend and have been for around 8 yrs. Since he came out from hospital I have tried to get help for him as much as a can. There have been times where I have really wanted to give up and wished that he was in a home. I'm on my own and have no kids or close family.

To start with he had a discharge team who got him a shower seat, trolley and a walking frame. This help was available for a few weeks but ended as he can feed himself and walk and wash o.k. He gets very tired most days and does say some hurtful things to me so I can understand a bit.

I have found, due to waiting times, that getting help can take quite awhile. It's been 6 months now, and through a social worker who is onboard, after going through our council connect services (not every area has this) but you could try your Adult Social Services, we have a shopping visit and flat check twice a month through a company called Curo. They provide a carer to support Andy, they don't do cleaning for him just take him to the shops and prompt things like doing his clothes washing and cleaning his flat.

He is waiting for a financial assessment to see if he could get funded to go to a day care centre. You could perhaps contact your local Social Services as you have children, Citizens Advice may be able to let you know what help you could have too.

I have learnt such a lot from this site too which has given me a big insight to how other people are coping when I thought I was getting nowhere and on my own.

I know my friend has changed now and won't be the same as he used to be. Believe me, even now there are times I just want to run away, but at least we have people on our side now incase things change again, so that's a relief.

I hope this may help a bit. I hope you get some help very soon. Look after yourself and kids.

[Headman]

Dear Paulswife, the Straight answer is, you can't stop them hating him. With some help, you can stop the situation continuing, and getting worse, though. Take a break, and step out of it all for a while, so you can gather your thoughts and feelings, and your children and husband can calm down, too. I would suggest that you and the children have a respite / holiday, or better still,... get your Husband to take one, or have him go stay somewhere else while you take stock of the situation. Then, you can decide wether to make that permanent, or part-time, after that.

Kids come First, ...Every time. Stay strong, Get help, and move On. Bless.

[randomphantoms]

Have you spoken with the headway helpline?

I know it sounds ridiculous but a year on is such a short time.

We have to learn all sorts of things again and most help stops when we can do the basics. Learning to handle emotions and communication can be a very long haul.

Please don't make the mistake of enabling bad behaviour from your husband. Learning to understand that there are other points of view than our own and that they have a value can be very difficult.

If you can talk with your husband (and memory isn't an issue) set up an agreement that as soon as you see him begin to get up tight tap him on the arm and say his name in a firm flat voice. This can interrupt the stuck thought pattern and allow his brain to step back.