my life such that it is at moment i hate it

[ncmurphy1951]

sat jan 19 snow god now i am disabled do i hate snow housebound all day it better go tomorrow when i am due in rye to watch a team i help mcoach rye youth rugby play folkestone

i am totally exhausted anothrer night with little sleep estimate 4 hours in pieces last night

i need a holiday and someone to love god do i miss jackie the lady i was engaged to and saved my life in 2007 in 2011 i ndecided i probably wont work agai and released her from her obligation to me a good call as she now so relaxed and happy

what rest of day bugger all crap tv keep warm grab some sleep and pray for a good day tomorrow pic of the georgeous jackie with her son and daughter attached she on the left

neil

[BaronC]

There is a phrase, 'You can never truly love another until you can love yourself'.

I find/found that a similar concept is true where brain injury is concerned...

Nobody around you will ever truly understand and accept the 'new you' until you have fully grasped the concept yourself'.

You are no longer the person you once were, never will be. But that isn't the end, merely a new beginning. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on and start anew. If you cling on to the 'old you' then you will never be able to let go. You MUST release your grip on the past and find a new path.

I'm not the same person I was before I woke from the coma. So what? I'm still here and I refuse to allow the events of that day to tarnish the rest of my life.

Let it go. You have to.

[ncmurphy1951]

thank you and quite right regarding my decision to release jackie from her obligation to me there were a few shit stirrers who started the ill informed listen to me bullshit stories that i was dumpoed i replied better to have loved and given away but not loved at all our 6 years together wee the happiest fun and exciting of our lives no one can take that away from oth of us

[Stanley3]

Hi Neil, that is a massive thing to do and an amazing decision to make. Do you stay in touch with Jackie??? Did she finish it or did you?? I am guilty too of finishing things for the sake of the other person. Sometimes the strength of people is amazing... I think you should try and make contact with her again, nothing ventured, nothing gained! Good luck x

[ncmurphy1951]

we speak every day it was totally my decision ggggggggggggggggggg

[ncmurphy1951]

stanley so sorry that my reply was short jackie was phoning me yes we speak most days both of us would prefer ecery day but with her and her two girls in spain often we miss eachother no the decision was mine we had 6 glorious years together living together for 4 i had a decent job earning lots of money jackie was a extremley successful businesswoman but i was irresponsible with my expendeture racking up huge credit car bills always promising jackie the next deal would breing a huge bonus but the deal never came jackie rarely got angry with me but a consistent was my level of debt this is a girl who refused to have a credit card her mantra was and is if you havent got it then dont spend

we moved to spain in aug 2007 with hyer two girls 2 dogs anbd 2 cats i was made redundant in oct 07 intending to use my redundancy to fund the redevelopment of our house in spain but the creditors weree still hounding me jackie had arranged critical illness cover fdor me for £250,000 i knew i hadnt kept up the payments and the policy was cancelled but never had the guts to tell her on dec 13 2007 i had my sah jackie saved my life it happend witnessed by her youngest daughter

she then had a horrible 10 odd days awaiting my operastion every day the spanish nurses telling her to say goodbye but she never gave up hope and faith

i was flown back to london in feb 08 to the wellington hospital choosing to leave her two children in spain she came over for a week a month choosing to sleep on the floor of my room rather than a local hotel so that we could go out for meals she pushing me and also to attend all my sessions

when i was finally discharged from the third hospital in mar 09 i thought we would return to how it was how wrong i was to even think that i am unemployable disabled i am tired and in bed at 6 each day i dont sleep well about once an hour having to stretch my calf muscles to avoid cramp in bed i cant lie on my side nor front so i am on my back often legs raised to move them i turned 50 in 2011 jAN 24 jackie had been miserable for many months i felt the reason was that i hadnt progresseds as much as i had expected i drove to rye to see her brother for a chat steve i trust and has treated me like a blood brother i said to him y way of a question that i was considering releiving jackie of her obligation to marry me the reasons were i would always be disabled and robably never work again and couldnt be a proper husband to support her and her girls steve replied neil we have not seen jackie as happy as she has been until your injury thenk you your time together was special and we love you for that

i drove home phoned jackie and i an emotional phone call i called off the wedding

jackie is beautiful in the classic catherine hepburn way by setting her free i know she is being persued and i wouldnt want to stand in her way to safety and happpiness a few months ago she phoned me in floods of tears to say that she was seeing someone i knew i was delighted between you and me i hope she marries

she did come over last month and stayed with me for a day it was glorious to be with her asgain she permiates a warmth that is hard to explain

i think about her all the time i will always love her my challenge should i fall fore someone is to love someone as deeply again

neil