Coping with a sudden loss

[KCKBSM]

Recently my Dad suddenly died from a brain hemorrhage. We were on holiday and he just collapsed. We later discovered he had MoyaMoya disease. For a period of time it looked like he was going to get better but then he had a second bleed and was in a coma. It was all very traumatic and I'm struggling to come to terms with it. Has anyone else experienced something similar? I'm just looking for someone to talk to who understands.

[Shon48]

My deepest sympathies are sent to you . It will take a long time to recover from this but the only thing I can say is that he didn’t suffer too long which is a blessing . My heart goes out to you .

Shona 😔🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

[KCKBSM in reply to Shon48]

Thank you Shona. It was very peaceful when he passed and I can be grateful for that. x

[Nackapan]

My dad collapsed. Had a huge stroke . He was able to speak for one day . In a coma then dead a week later. Sudden death is better for them as no drawn out suffering. For those left behind very very traumatic. It's the shock,, disbelief. My dad cycled round the night before. He wasn't ill on no medication ect.

Try and get some bereavement counselling . Like I said sudden death is much harder to come to terms with. Take care

[KCKBSM in reply to Nackapan]

Thank you. Yes, it's very tough. I was skiing with my Dad in the morning before he collapsed. It was a huge shock. I'm trying my best to choose life and keep my head above water. x

[WinB]

Hi KC,

I was in Cuckooland for a year remember nothing apart from falling, Hubs called for ambulance and was rushed to Kings. While I was out I saw my Mum Dad and brothers who had passed. My Mum was telling them off for singing to me and she kept telling people not to talk to me. She swam (yes swam) away from me and I swam after her but couldn't find her, a year later I had a shunt put in my head and it woke me up from hydrocephalus. From what I remember there was a Party being made ready and I thought it was for me but my other Brother died while I was ill and I like to think it was for him xx This wont help your loss but I saw my Family and wanted my Mum to speak to me but she wouldn't ..Guess it wasn't my time and I remember nothing for a year xxxx So I like to think one day we will all meet again, but not yet !!! (We used to go swimming a lot when kids)??

[KCKBSM in reply to WinB]

Thank you for this reply. Something that I keep hoping is that one day I'll see him again and this helps me keep that hope alive. What an incredible journey you went on and it must have been so hard to hear your brother passed while you were ill. Sending love.

[jayne_h]

I am so sorry to hear of your sudden loss. It is very hard.

Are you religious at all? Even if you are not, you might find some comfort in this

prayer which was read out at a family service (also a very sudden unexpected loss) and even if you do not have a particular faith, you could think of it in more humanist terms.

The prayer tells people to do good work. This is a compassionate prayer thinking about other people, being kind. A message to us all in a way. (We found it helped).

When I heard it, it made me think of Harry Leslie Smith of Harry's Last Stand. He spent his last years in his 90s helping refugees. He had seen hardship as a child and he knew what was important in life. As Harry lay dying of pneumonia aged 95, he decided not to continue treatment with invasive antibiotics. On social media, world watched as his son expressed his pain at losing his father on Harry's twitter account. (That's twitter.com/Harryslaststand ) His son said he would continue Harry's good work in his memory.

If I should Die

If I should die and leave

you here a while,

be not like others sore undone

who keep silent vigils by

the silent dust and weep.

For my sake turn again to life and

smile, nerving thy heart

and trembling hand to do

something to comfort other hearts

than thine.

Complete these dear

unfinished tasks of

mine, and I, perchance

may therein

So the comforting other people could be anything - eg visit an elderly relative who might be on their own for a cup of tea.

Another thing, we had gospel music at the family service mentioned in addition to a few traditional hyms. You could also think about having a memorial service for your dad and a social afterwards to celebrate your dad's life. Planning it yourself with your family might help. You could give a speech for example, find some photos of your dad. (It could help other family members come to terms with their loss too).

Again, a church community may have a book of remembrance where you can enter the date.

Some people like to plant a few flowers in the garden or pot on the balcony in memory of their loved one

Hope this helps.

On the subject of pneumonia, which led to our sad sudden loss, be very careful if you have elderly relatives should they get a bad cold or start to feel very tired.

Pneumonia is very dangerous for elderly adults and young children.

Some elderly people do not even realize how sick they are and then it might be too late.

They believe they

have a bad cold and decide to go to bed to sleep themselves better.

Some people are very stoical and do not want to bother the doctor.

There is a type of pneumonia called 'walking pneumonia', 'silent pneumonia',

sometimes called ' atypical pneumonia'.

The person does not even realize they have it. This is often caused by a bacteria

called Mycoplasma pneumoniae.

This bacteria can cause diarrhea on top of cold like symptoms and fatigue.

I believe some of the other adenoviruses can also cause diarrhea.

(adenoviruses viruses are groups of viruses that cause cold/sore throats).

Elderly people who contract Mycoplasma pneumoniae can go on to get walking pneumonia.

Alarm bells should ring if you hear of a relative with these symptoms. They should

visit the GP. It can take weeks and even a month for this virus to appear after an infection.

I have heard of cases where an elderly person has gone to bed and not woken up again

or has literally crashed out at home. They might not have had the typical cough and phlem

associated with some forms of pneumonia.

(Of course patients who have had head injuries can feel more tired in any case, but you can try

to spot any extra changes)

Pneumonia can take hold as the elderly have weaker immune systems.

Any patients with acid reflux are at a higher risk of developing pneumonia

(reflux can push particles into the lungs where pneumonia is more likely to develop in

someone whose immune system is not working as well as it did when they were young).

If an elderly person has had shingles recently, that is also a red flag that the

immune system is weaker.

People who have just had surgery recently can have a weaker immune system.

There is also some research saying that anyone who has been on antibiotics for longer

may have a weakened immune system as the antibiotics can kill off healthy gut bacteria.

Eating enough calories is important to keep the immune system up and running.

GPs should offer a pneumonia vaccine to elderly people. It's a one off vaccine.

The form the GP has is different to the vaccine you can get at Boots.

Sadly not all elderly patients in a practise are being offered this vaccine.

A vaccine may stop a fatality from pneumonia and turn the situation into a bad chest infection instead.

There should be fact sheets with this information all over the country, but sadly not.

Please tell your friends and family to take care with this and share it on your social media.

aging.com/what-causes-pneum...

cdc.gov/pneumonia/atypical/...

cdc.gov/pneumonia/atypical/...

[KCKBSM in reply to jayne_h]

Thank you, what a lovely poem and I'll read up more on the info you shared. x