Crying , Emotion & Love?

Hi all,

Well it almost been a year since my accident time flys when your having fun with a Bi. Im getting there with the new version of me but I'm really struggling with crying and emotion and Love. Iv posted other threads on the emotion subject and was always advised with patience, tolerance and acceptance which I'm still applying. I didn't cry on the day of the accident and haven't since and my emotions are really really strange. Im sure they won't ever get back to how they wore (always wore my emotions on my sleeve) cried and showed family how I felt but not now. Its like its been knocked out of me and so has the love.

I don't seem to have any Love and iv lost and missed how it feels, don't love anything? I suppose if you don't know what love is or don't feel it how can you love anything. Iv had this conversation with my wife and kids and I'm rationilising the love thing. I should love my wife and kids but I'm really struggling with it. I have a bond with them but is this love? its so frustrating as when I think about them now writing this I'm happy remembering their faces but that feeling I used to get in my stomach and that warm feeling in my heart and the lump in my throught just isn't here, why not? Maybe its time to visit the consultant but he wasn't very helpful when I left hospital last May. Headway may be able to help.

In conclusion I really thought this love feeling and bond would come back but it just hasn't and I'm finding it tough. 

Can anyone help with this? 

Has anyone had this happen to them and what did you do?

Did it come back?


26 Replies

  • This is a quick response because I need to take my son to football.  I have a frontal brain injury and likewise my emotions spill out whereas I used to be very much in control of them and kept them much more private. I cry over the minute-ist of things or flare up easily into frustration, irritation and anger.  Have lost my brake on what I sometimes say as well as impulsive and can't filter my responses if provoked. For 3 years post injury I was pushed down the depression route and given various anti depressants but they made my emotional problems mega worse.  Eventually I got so distressed and despairing that I tailed the meds off, expecting my emotions to plummet to the rock bottom depths ........... but they became less extreme! The meds for me (but I know for others they do help) weren't helping as it became apparent that the emotional problems were caused by the frontal brain injury and not depression. I still struggle to manage them daily but have had to resign myself to that being how things will always be now.  I haven't managed to find or be referred to specialist that won't just go down the depression route or get any other kind of help to give me better stratagies to manage.  Hope your Consultant is more helpful.  As for the lack of love - maybe that is similiar to my no longer experiencing enjoyment or good feelings from anything I do. That has helpfully been diagnosed as 'anhedonia'. Look it up because you may relate to it. Need to find a website that gives a general explaination and not one that only relates it to sexual pleasure!

  • Hi Strawberry, Its funny as I used to get pretty angry and frustrated at stuff but don't now, I find I can let things go easily but with emotion and love its a different ball game as I have none. Onwards and Upwards though, have a fantastic Sunday. Nick X

  • Hi MX

    I think it's significant that you didn't cry at the time of the accident and have struggled with other family events.

    Please don't beat yourself up over this. The past year has been working on the basics. Love is a very complex thing and it may return as you have a little more brain energynto devote to it.

    Just wondering if you've had counselling it really can help.

    Another thought is that love can change over time and after an event like a bi a lot of factors can make it feel very distant.

    Especially for heads of households the fear of having come so close to losing not just your life but those you love. It may not be at the surface but it is often there. Follow that with the feeling of being useless in terms of providing for or protecting them and sometimes the brain just finds it all to much.

    You do love and it may be helpful to think of it as a more mature love....less passionate but deeper . you are happy thinking of the family's faces.

    Love n hugs


  • Hi Random, Yes me too with the family significance. I really struggle with my mum & dad as I don't have any connection with them at all and I know I should but theres nothing there. My dad & I have a checkered history though as he's very controlling and sometimes treats me like a 12 year old. Maybe its my way with my new version of blocking him out so my brain doesn't have to deal with him? Detaching from him. Anyway thank you for your reply and have a fantastic Sunday. Nick

  • Morning, 

    Don't think you are alone on this one at all. .... I know I have "lost" most emotions apart from the negative ones - and many posts on here / replies to my posts suggest this is fairly common. 

    Unfortunately I don't think there is a quick fix answer - I'm hoping to regain some of my spark and nicer emotions at some point in the future - particularly if I am ever allowed to come off the anti seizure meds which I know can affect this. 

    As lots of you know - my partner of 18 years kissed me goodbye at A&E never to be seen again and only some nasty follow up texts ( goodness knows what I had sent to him) ... so my emotions got totally messed up with that too. 

    But there could be other possible ways of showing love without emotion ( or am I talking rubbish ??) .... spending time with your loved ones ... writing some nice/kind words .... fixing something or making a meal/cake .... 

    Be kind to yourself and maybe the good emotions will return at some point ..... 



  • Hi Moo, No I didn't know about your partner and A & E, how sad is that or maybe for the good. Strange though as I find words and sentences and grammar much easier now then before and I'm so much more articulate in my conversation. Well I think I am maybe its all in my head. As iv said to Random I struggle with my mum & dad and now I just detach from them as the peace in my head is so much better when I do. There a fine line between me speaking to them and then my day is fractured with my mind wondering and the rational side to speaking with them and letting go of the conversation and NOT rationalising whats been said, damb Bi bites me all the time. Anyway have a great day. Nick X

  • I empathise completely Nick.  It's a frontal lobe issue I believe, which numbs all those emotions you describe

    For me it's almost like watching my life from behind a pane of glass and seeing myself giving all the appropriate responses but without emotion.

    And yet my irritation levels have risen dramatically. Whereas I was calm and patient pre-BI, I now constantly lose my temper (with myself, not others) so that's a pretty strong, but negative, emotion.

    I'm 4 years on and, like you, I'm aware of my lack of 'love' emotions.  I rationalise about how precious my family are to me but those previous deep, almost physical, feelings are lost to me now.

    I content myself with an intellectual approach of knowing how precious certain people are to me, but I accept now that those past emotions are a lost luxury !

    So long as you can verbalise how much your family mean to you, and put extra effort into thoughtful gestures, you can make up some of the deficit.  But I know that taking this route can be really hard work when, previously, it all came so naturally..

    It's one of those cruel after effects of BI. You might benefit from family counselling although that has its limits. 

    If you can say those words which your family need to hear, even though they're hollow for you, it can be amazingly reassuring for them, and might provide some comfort for you.

    It's an enormous loss isn't it Nick, and I really do feel for you.   xx

  • Morning Cat, Yep damb frontal lobe injury gets you doesn't it. I completely get what you mean about the pane of glass to as even now I sometimes feel like that. Like I'm in a fish bowl. That word rationalise for me is in big capitols too as I do it all the time. If I'm not careful ill try and rationalise why I'm breathing...? I really try and talk with my family but probably not enough and need to sit them down and have a chat very soon. Have a fantastic Sunday Cat. XX Nick

  • You're an early riser for a Sunday ! 

    It's sunny here in Cheshire ; hope it's the same where you are !  xx

  • Always up early cat another side effect of the Bi. X

  • Have to agree emotions change after a fronral lobe injury.

    Even though I dont really feel the emotion I find I can cry at the sheer mention of bambi. Was never like this before.

    I struggled with feelings for my wife. I felt I loved her but the feelings felt different. I even wondered if what I felt was just dependancy.

    When we seperated I suddenly realised although what I felt may have changed I still had very deep feelings for her. They may not have felt the same feelings of love but I realised they were my new way of feeling love.

    Its hard to explain but basically its all part of the new you.

    Best of luck 


  • Thats Pax, the new me is strange sometimes (all the time) and I'm getting used to it. My feelings are a little stranger though. Have a great day. Nick

  • Thank you soo much for your kind and intuitive replies, wonderful to know I can ask for help on hear and ill get it.  It is a tough one and ill go back to Headway for some support and counciling, worth giving it a go. Thinking about it I don't think going back to the consultant will help as iv learnt more here than with him. 

    My injury was/is frontal lobe, 3 brain bleeds to be exact and I know iv changed especially the emotional side, I guess ill have to work on it. Onwards and upwards. N

  •  All the replies i can relate to, nearly ten years now , still no love or any emotions will they all come back ? no sign yet , but lets look on the bright side it is a beautiful day when i wake up

    lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


  • Nick

    I know you have decided against going back to the consultant, but have you seen a neuropsychologist? I was referred back to the hospital 6 months after my accident and whilst seeing the consultant is a waste of time, the neuropsychological has been brilliant and really helped me.

    Have a great day, I hope the sun is shining where you are,it's an amazing day here.


  • Hi Sue, No I haven't see a neuropsychologist, is the best place to start headway or my GP? Thank you for the suggestion.

  • I think it was the consultant who referred me to the neurosychologist, after the GP had referred me back to the hospital. I guess it would be worth asking your GP. It has certainly helped me, I saw him every month for a while, for about an hour each time, so it really felt like he had the time to listen. Certainly worth investigating.


  • Hi :) I'm sorry you're feeling like this, and it seems so many of us are struggling with the same or similar issues. I relate very much to all the posts but especially to StrawberryCream  and moo196 . You're definitely not alone. I don't know how long it will take or in how much depth feelings are meant to return, but keep moving forward and keep hoping :) x

  • Omg this is excactally doing about my my phycologist now. I've worked up 28 weeks so far and you put this on now, how weird. We have just started on this subject and will be on it a few weeks. I really thought I was just me, a strange one. It's been nearly 6 years since I've cried , the only emotion I do is anger . If started getting other emotions back so she been telling me how to handle it etc. Confuses my poor ikle brain. Knowing how you feel I feel so sorry for you , having a family. I have a 19 year old daughter but from 14-19 years of age I've never said I love her or anything, a massive change from how I was. I just don't love at all. Don't love, do tears, do upset nothing. As far as I'm concerned I don't love her. I tell her too if we argue, I know that's wrong but it just comes out. I think I'm trying to explain the problems I left with so she nicer, doesn't work 😝

    If found this so so hard. Don't really speak to my large family now, have only one friend and have no boyfriend. I sit on my own all day and night cause the feeling ain't there. Be so grateful that you have your family in your face 24/7 so you will eventually learn to have these feelings again. I believe in time it will definitely come back. I always go back to being a baby, your not born able to love so you have to learn over time. I see it as if your family is always there under your nose you will learn quicker. Try not to let it upset you too much. It will come back. Do things that you remembered really pushed on your heart strings and start teaching yourself all over x

  • Pulling not pushing soz 

  • Hi Candy, thats the word I was looking for "heart strings" they haven't been twanged for well since the accident. Sorry to hear of your issues they are similar to mine. Yes completely agree with you iv just got to work on them... Have a great evening. Nick X

  •  Oh don't be sorry to hear that, you just get used to it don't you. You have a great evening too. Candy x

  • Hi there. I got married one month after my surgery (broken hemorhage). I was so, so happy and proud I made it! But after that, slowly, but surely I was feeling more and more "empty". My english is not native but this is exactly the word I would use here - EMPTY. I was told by my doctors this will pass, but it actually doesnt. It has been one year and three monts now that Im BI and there are many things I used to enjoy that I dont care about anymore. 

    Very often I dont care if I hurt someone, especially my loving and daring husband who has been with me all the way. I get angry, but no room for love :(

    I dont enjoy being close to people, also in an intimate way. I just dont care. It makes me feel like a bad person, but again, doctors say it will pass. 

    I had a detailed disusion with my neuropsychologist, he said the injury I have gone through has been very traumatic for the brain. It does not mean that my "emotions" dont function well, it has been kind of put aside by the brain because its very busy dealing with the trauma. I "buy" this explanation, it works for me and I think it may be really logic. Of course, it does not change the fact Im like a robot sometimes. 

    Im also considering medication (my psychiatrist prescribed Mozarin, but Im still trying to figure out whether to take it or not). It has been explained to me that sometimes it is necessary to boost the brain with some meds. Im not fan of that and Im also not in rush for getting my emotions back (I have always been oversensitive). 

    Also my life situation is not very easy at the moment so this also could be the reason why my brain just switches off all those "butterflies". Im not sure what else to say, I can only tell you are not on your own. 

    Take care, Iwona

  • Thank you for your reply Iwona, 

    Yes its difficult especially for my mum and dad. Had a short chat with them both today and iv got my first appointment with Headway next Tuesday which I'm looking forward to. This damb " no emotion and no love" thing is not good. I just have no feeling no connection with it and really want some help. Need to speak to neuropsychologist too. N

  • My first time back on this site after X amount of time. Maybe a year or two. So much change! Coming across this topic first makes me laugh/frown/sigh. Really interesting to read everyone else's experience.

    I'm three years on from my BI and this topic is something that I'm having a lot of difficulty in accepting. I've gone from the first year of recovery, quietly planning to disappear without telling anyone, thinking this best for all involved, to needing everyone and hating everything about it, to focussing on how to fulfil a "role" as a family member and friend (patient, patron, co-worker, client, etc).

    Something I'm only just starting to get a hang of is not having to respond to expressions of love in the same way as someone has given me eg kisses at end of texts or emails, love you's at goodbyes. Depends on whether it's a good day or bad day of course. A good day brings good feelings and, sure, maybe that could be love that I'm expressing to you. Doesn't stop red flags from popping up.

    I'm trying to understand feelings in a more concrete way; by becoming aware of the physical responses to situations and thus having more of an idea of what it is I'm feeling. Awareness is the big problem. And all abstract feelings. Starting with anxiety is the safest bet I hope. Anger is becoming more of a thing.

    I'm staying clear of sexuality, understanding of wants and needs, confusion of being drawn to people, failed relationships because of, how counselling can help.

    I'm in a waiting list for neuropsychology. Waiting list for 9 months so far. Few more to go.

  • Hi Inney,

    I am completely with you on what you said as I felt very similar. It was my headway councillor that helped me realise my emotions love and feelings were there but the pathway to them needed re connecting. Difficult I know. Im an alcoholic too in recovery (2 1/2 years) and that can have an enormous effect on your feelings too. Its a tough one but I would suggest getting some counciling as its really working for me. Have a fantastic Monday. Nick XX

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