Am I evil?

A family member keeps telling me I need to make the best of what I have and be grateful my mum is still alive.

When there is so little of my "mum" left, is it wrong that I am not grateful? I want to hang on to the memory of who she was so badly that I can't accept who she has become. the family member will not accept that my dad wants to leave my mum after 12 long years of trying so hard to make it work. Their relationship is not a marriage anymore but a carer/patient role. And he's on the verge of breaking. The family member doesn't understand why he wants to leave. I wonder if it's more just because she feels it might mean more involvement on her part. It was very easy to let my dad do it for all these years without much help from anyone else but with him gone she might need to be more involved?

10 Replies

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  • You are not evil, you are amazing. No one will understand the situation unless has lived it. I am so so sorry you are experiencing this. So unfair to judge you & your Dad. It's so easy for people to cast judgement.. If only this family member had researched BI & what it does to loved ones, obviously is oblivious.

    Give her a link to some research!! And keep smiling... I'm always here for you xxx

  • You are not evil, just a Carer struggling to deal with everything that this role brings. Family who are not involved directly in the care of someone have no idea what it is like, how difficult and unrelenting it can be.

    Perhaps you and your dad need a break, some respite, to help you relax and think of yourselves for a little while. Then possibly someone to discuss the long term options for you all.

    My Carer organisation have been wonderful, my outreach worker persuaded social services to give me a short break and then once I had rested and relaxed a little discussed the different options for the long term. I didn't feel pushed into anything, felt I had options, people respected me and I discovered the I too have Rights as a Carer.

    It is so hard to ask for help and many Carers apparently reach breaking point before they ask for anything. Ask Headway or look for your Carers organisation, Carers Trust web site might help you find one near you.

    You and your Dad do have Rights and options that can take into account what you would like as well as what you would like for your mum.

    Good luck, hope you find something that suits you, stuff other family members! Xx

  • Evil? Nope

    Heroic? Yep

    All carers, ALL carers should be given a medal, simple as that really. And nobody should be judged until you've walked a mile in their shoes. It's all to easy to sit on the sidelines and watch the game. But it takes dedication to get out their and play.

    Give yourself a break, you're just fine. And so is your dad

    Best wishes,

    Baron/Andy

  • Hi Lilly

    after 12 years maybe your dad needs more help.

    Why do you say you are evil ( I may have missed it) you dont sound it. If your sister doesnt want the split maybe she needs to help more ?

    Also does she want them to stay together for her own happiness? Everyone deserves to be happy and after 12 years the "new" mum may not be the one to make your dad happy.

    It is sad but the majority of couples split after a partner has a bi .would your sister prefer an unhappy father that grows to resent your mother.

    Your parents may still need help adjusting even after all this time. Specialist marrage guidance and counselling can still help.

    It help me and my partner as she felt she was cheating on the old me with the new me. It sounds strange but was true.

    Plus maybe your father needs to grieve the loss of your old mother before adjusting and loving the new mum.

    I am sorry if this all sounds bleak and clinical, I am trying to offer a bi side of things I hope your father and mother can get help to resolve things.

    I suppose no child wants their parents to split but then again surely they deserve to be happy.

    Maybe your sister could try putting herself in their shoes and maybe think how she would cope and the choices she would make.

    Sorry for the long post and I hope it will help in some way.

    Pax x

  • Thanks pax, I just say evil because the family member (who is my aunt) tells me to be grateful that my mum is alive and it makes me think I must be evil for not being thankful... I sometimes think that if she had succeeded when she tried to kill herself...life would be better and that makes me feel evil

  • Theres no good or evil here just a tough journey. You are the one who sees whats happening and lives it day to day no one should judge. If your dad wants to leave your mum because she has changed so much that the "old mum" has gone then its up to him, this can happen. Im sure at times my wife wants to leave me because I can be a stroppy stubborn git... She hasn't left yet by the way. But its tough on all parties and the ones involved have to make the best of the situation and do the right thing even if it means upset for some.

    I really hope you have a good evening lilly. XX N

  • aaaawww thanks baron c wheres our medal? and lily81 no way are you evil! amazing and in need of a medal yes,being practail and missing youre mum yes,sometimes people have a hard time dealing with these issues,or dare i say it? take careers for granted? x

  • Hi Lilly,

    You are FAR from being evil!!!!! You are doing a wonderful job and it is so hard for those 'outside' to know what it's like to live with these situations.

    My poor wife is having to cope with the 'new' and ever changing 'me' plus cope with the fact that early this year her Dad was taken into care with Altzhiemers/vascular dementure. She finds it so hard to get the strenght to go and see him. She finds it easier if we go and can pick him up and take him out for the day but this is getting harder to do.

    I often feel guilty because I often think the stress of her helping and caring for me makes it far harder for her to deal with hers Dads condition.

    As for Dad 'leaving her' well I'm sure the critic hasn't a clue how hard it is for him to deal with and my is guess he will never stop truely loving your Mum, but he too has a life. I don't actually know him so can only guess at just how difficult his decision is but from your description I can't see that it is at all easy or calouse of him.

    Your situationtoo is terrible and it is only right that you remember 'Mum' as the 'Mum' you know rather than the 'Mum' she is now. From the strenght of your emotions I believe she would be so proud of you all.

    I think you may be close to the mark when you say this family member is frightened of having to become more involved but it would give them a far better insight as to what both yourself and your Dad have had to cope with.

    This site is most definitely for you and a great place to vent frustrations, anger, fear and get advice and support from those who genuinely 'get it'.

    Kindest thoughts to all of you always.

    Geoff

  • Thanks for your kind words Geoff. It sounds like things are really awful for you and your wife at the moment. dementia is just awful. My heart goes out to you and her xxx

  • Thank you Lilly,

    This site is full of support and kind words for all that visit either ad-hoc or regularly and I hope you will join us regularly for support or chat.

    Take the greatest care

    Geoff

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