Breaking point

I just don't know what to do anymore & feel like I'm at breaking point, I can't even describe how low I feel right now. I have 3 children 4,7 & 11 & im desperately trying to hold things together for everyone. My husband fell down some stairs on the 1st oct 2016 8 months ago & had a blood clot the size of a fist removed from his brain, he had 45 staples & was in hospital for 5weeks. He's progressed quite well all in all. His speech is fine, he walks fine & for anyone to look at him or chat to him for an hour they would think there was nothing wrong. Jesus it does annoy me & I know it's not there fault cuz they don't understand brain injuries but it makes my job harder. He's so up & down. Changes his mind as quick as he made it & thinks I'm telling him wot to do all the time. He's desperate to go bk to work but has no license & wants to sell the house & move away cuz he feels stuck in are house. We have quite a bit of equity sat in are house & he wants to pull that out to start again & rent somewhere. However I don't feel the time is right at the minute & have said to him that we need to wait a few more months & get bk on are feet 1st. His answer to this was I want a divorce cause I'm going & I can't stay here anymore, I know he's not thinking straight & is winding himself up(it's like a vicious circle)😪😪

He won't speak to me about it anymore & says he wished he'd of died, I'm scared he'll do something stupid cuz he's so low. I just don't know wot to do for him anymore to help him? I've told him that I think he's all over the place & not thinking straight but he just won't listen. Has anyone else had a similar issue or anyone got any advice they can throw my way as I have completely hit a brick wall with him.

18 Replies

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  • I think many of us caring for those with a brain injury have been just where you are. It is dreadful and soul destroying. Firstly, have you chatted to the people at Headway? They are very experienced at this and can often think of things you can do. Next, can you get him back to his doctor, it is possible that he needs some medication to stop him being so depressed and agitated.

    In brain injury terms, 8 months is not all that long and there is probably still a certain amount of healing going on. It is also frustrating for him as his life also has changed and he probably no longer feels in charge of his life.

    I am in touch with 'Care for the Carers' and they are also excellent at help. They can probably also arrange counselling for you to teach you some coping strategies. Their focus is on finding things to help the carer and lets face it, if you can get some help it will also help him.

    I am afraid that many marriages do not survive a bi and it must be so hard for you with young children to deal with too. Please keep posting on here, you can say anything here and everyone will do their best to help. Don't feel you are alone

    Wishing you the strength to cope with this new life you have been given without anyone asking if you want it. Do remember to look after yourself, your children need you.

    Sending you love and sympathy.

    Jan

  • Thankyou so much for your reply, he's already on anti depressants as he was on them b4 his accident. I will definitely look into all the options you have given me as I feel anything could help right now. I know it's still early days but he thinks he's completely fine which doesn't help at all. I'm not 100% it's the medication I think a lot of it is down to frustration. He wants to provide for his family but he needs to be chilling a bit more. Before his accident he ran his own construction company which sadly we have had to fold due to everything. Thanks again your comments were very kind & have already made me feel a little better x

  • Stacey, sometimes a bi is a different kind of wake up call... I have heard what you said here...

    Sometimes people struggle the most because of their own expectations of themselves..

    (Before and exaggerated after)

    There are a few very important things to consider and get your head around and one of these is beliefs. Not what is commonly considered or talked about but hugely important....

  • Beautiful and wise reply Jan...

  • Stacey 😢

    I'm so so sorry. It's too difficult & no one understands. I tried to email you, but it just came back. My email is [edited by admin]... i am also happy to speak on the phone if that will help?

    I've been where you are now (but with one daughter) and I will help & support you as much as I can.

    My husband was exactly the same as you are describing & the main thing for him was he felt very inadequate as he couldn't help me like he could before. It's so very sad 😢 And it's not fair.. life isn't fair.

    Is your husband seeing anyone like a neuropsychologist or specialist BI doctor?

    Please don't forget you need someone to talk to too. Sending you lots of hugs.

    Dani xx

  • Hello Stacey,

    The advice you got already is most useful. I am just wanting to add that

    - I am so sorry that you are going through all this. You sound like you are doing a fabulous job. Asking for help and reaching out to all the potential professionals is also exactly the right thing. Just as in the case of your husband, the worst feeling is the sense that nothing can change. It will continue to be hard for some time, but I am sure that there will be some resources that will make things better than they are now.

    - Regarding the house. It seems to me that you are being very prudent and you should hang tough on that. Making such a momentous decision hastily and in frustration is never the right thing. Sometimes, when you are in a conflict, it feels like it would be easier just to give in. Stay strong. You are the only one thinking straight right now, so trust your judgement.

    - It would be great if he could find an activity that would soak up some of the extra time he has that he probably spends getting wound up. I hope that he finally faces the fact that any path forward involves more months at home; this may lead him to commit to doing something for that time.

    Best wishes,

    Taia

  • Hi Stacey I have also been in the same position as you in the first year post BI my husband hated having no licence and not being able to get to work. 4 years on we are back in that position as he was made redundant in October 2015 and was adamant he wanted to start his own business but to date has not managed to get things going. You are right when you say people don't understand I also find that the most frustrating. I have found posting here really helpful when I feel alone but please feel free to message or email me if you want to talk more. L x

  • irish rose yeh youve had a right bitch of a time. hows life since you moved.

  • I had brain injury nearly 5 years ago and can understand your husband thinking he's fine when you can see he's not. Everyone says brain recovery takes years. For me I feel it took a few month. I had to go through physio to walk again I was so keen to get back to normal I did physio every chance I got so was a few week in august 2012 after that I was back home next step was coming to terms with the dog I'd lost and get another, that was end of September then by that time I felt back to normal. I have had bit of trouble with DVLA deciding I had to have driving assessment even after I'd been told I could still drive, failing that cos it was in area I didn't know. Had to stop driving have few refresher lessons then passed next assessment.

    For me the worst part has been obviously losing my dog which is only thing I can't get back and not having people to talk to. Headway is main thing in uk for people to go to for me and few others I know it's not been too good but worth a try.

    You say your husband feels you are controlling him that sounds like how I feel about my mum I feel she has turned over protective and that doesn't help anyone. Would you say your husband feels you are over protective? I would say for you both to try to compromise. Talk and see what he's not happy with and try to agree on something in between what you both want so you are both happy.

  • Hi,

    I'm sorry to hear about all these problems. My mum also said she should have died in her accident and it is really distressing to hear this. Worse still when they won't talk to a psychologist or similar. My mum has got more emotional since her accident and it's hard to handle it. People have given you good tips here.

    I can only add a couple.

    Try Tina M Sullivan, Nourish Your Noggin and see if changing your husband's diet helps. The food is really nice and not hard to prepare. The book is not so expensive.

    Apart from Headway booklets, try Diane Stolpert's book about head injury which you can find via dridiane.com It's on post concussion syndrome but there may be many parallels. It's quite scientific and I found my mum is like a text book case of a couple of the chapters.

    Hope things improve soon

    J xxx

  • That's great I will take a look, thankyou for your advice xx

  • Hi Stacey, as someone living with a brain injury I totally understand your stresses. If it helps, I see a councilor, who helps me with my on and off stresses, like I assume your Husband feels. It can be so frustrating when people don't truly understand your struggle. Speaking too like minded people, in groups such as those held by charities such as HeadWay will be a great (and free) way of helping him release some of his stresses. Check out their site for groups and help offered in your area headway.org.uk/ a problem shared really is a problem halved and for me I found it really worth while in the early struggles on brain injury recovery.

    You're not at breaking point, you're strong enough to share your struggles so openly on here so you're clearly too strong to break. I hope you can get the help you need. xx

  • Hi Stacey

    I feel your pain! I'm the one with the BI and realise how irrational we can become!

    My partner didn't like the new me so has gone and left me to it - nice when it was her ex who caused the damage to my head!

    Anyway, the advice above is good especially the Headway information. If we can help any more let us know. You are not alone x

  • hey stacey my brain led my wife to a melt down. i got referred to a psychiatristwho referred me to a neuro psychiatrist and i was dignosed with adhd last year, after a few years of epileptic type convulsions i was diagnosed with epilepsy

  • Hi Steve, thankyou for your post.....Actually it's funny you say that cuz his mum has said from him being little she thinks he's had adhd & I actually mentioned this to my husband just earlier today. He's bin having neuro psychologist come often but not sure if there the same as neuro psychiatrist or different? Do u know?

  • stacey77 no neuro psychologists bore the hell out of you........rabbit rabbit rabbit nag nag, a neuro pschychiatrist is a qualified dr who specialised in psychiatry and is qualified to prescribe medication.

  • love get him to talk to ladies on help line and you the have helped me from giving up.

    im and all sufferers are here for you . x eddie

  • I'd start by helping him to learn more and recognise that his symptoms are common.

    It won't cure the mood swings or impulsive behaviours he's struggling with at this stage but it might mean you can get to the point you can have a conversation about them.

    And you'll need to get to that point quite quickly because it may get worse before it gets better during his recovery.

    Try to get him reading all old posts on here and he'll start identifying with people, try to get him to read though the headway website (lots of very user friendly info), and maybe some books on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and The Chimp Management book (not neuro but useful).

    It sounds clichéd but it can help if you can identify which "stage" he's on. They say everyone is different but when you read up on here and on the headway site it seems many of us are very similar.

    Think along the lines of the anger-denial-grief-acceptance, model as a starting point. Work out which stage he's dealing with and get as much info as you can on how to manage the effects.

    Hope it gets easier for you both.

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