Everything is wrong

Hello there again, Jules here.

I thought I was doing OK. I thought i had a grasp on what i am now and where i fit in, sort of felt i could go with the flow if this is the way things are an i cant change them.

I thought if i just kept trying things would be good. Maybe - well, worth doing anyway.

In one day its crumbled.

Today I was told my life had been ruined. - that the man who crashed the bike i was on and caused my injuries had 'ruined your life'.

Then a couple hours later some one else said words to the effect 'what would you know about working now'.

I thought my body was nearly normal. I thought if you didnt know you wouldnt be able to tell anything had happened.

I TRY to work hard fromm home everyday - everyday.

everything has gone to pieces

I dont know whats real now.

Could do with a chat if anyones around

Jules

x

41 Replies

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  • Hi Jules, I'm new to posting. Bless you, I know how hurtful words can be. I've had similar since I had to go off sick e.g. Why do you care if it's the weekend? 37 years of working led me to know how that felt, and now it means that my partner, kids and friends are free. Try not to let them upset you too much. I truly hope that they were just speaking without thinking. X

  • Hell o emmerson, Jules here.

    it is so hurtfful isnt it. the words take away everything.

    x

  • who's told you this Jules? is this some sort of medical report? or just someone?

  • people close to me roger. i am really frightened.

  • Message on it's way..................xx

  • I don't know your situation and if I did I'd of forgotten!

    Anyhow personally and chatting to folks at the local headway group. Slight changes in one can feel magnified by to folks close. I don't get jokes or subtle communication, which my wife does find frustrating at times.

    And others have said their partners feel a lot of the old them has gone even if they feel much the same?

  • Hello Roger,

    i copied and pasted some words below:

    Slight changes in one can feel magnified by to folks close.

    Can you explain alittle, do you mean because people are close ?

    Jules

  • Yes most struck by someone who felt as before but was told by partner that they felt that maybe 10% remained.

    now this was someone like myself ie high functioning I'm sure like myself they had changed and maybe could struggle with some things and equally be a right so and so at times, but my hunch (I only met one side) is they hadn't changed that much.

    The thing denial about change in a odd way can magnify any change if that makes sense? I am tired so clear rational though is problematic!

  • Roger -

    This bit made sense:

    denial about change in a odd way can magnify any change.

    Thank you - and thank you for replying bless you so late.

    Kindest regards as always

    Jules

    x

  • They're just words. It matters not what ANYONE around you thinks or says, the only person's opinion that matters is your own. Nobody, nobody at all knows what you are feeling, or what you are living through.

    What other people say or do isn't important. YOU are the person who knows it all and shouldn't let others impact on you in this way.

    Chin up, smile, ignore the hurtful words and move on. You're whatever you think you are

    Andy

  • Hello Mr Andy BaronC, Jules here.

    I have re read and re read your words, added a few swear words to your written post and will use it to focus.

    thank you for talking sense, still off balance with it.

    Jules

    x

  • Omg who on earth said, your life is ruined, it's not ruined it's different now. It can only be ruined if you allow your brain to think like that. I can't believe someone said this. Teach yourself to say , put your brain into gear before you open your gob, to them.

    We all have good days and then we crumble and have bad. It's normal. Don't let this keep you down, get up and fight again. Think how hard you have fought to get to were you are now. People can be thick or just not realise what damage they cause. Tell them so they feel as shit as you do now. If you don't tell them they will continue with there stupidity.

    Oh Jules that's just horrid. PLEASE don't allow this to ruin you. Keep telling yourself they no nothing or they just thick or stupid or whatever. Remember your life is NOT ruined it's just different to how it was. We had a taste of "normal" life . That's what makes it so hard. Luv ya Hun xx

  • its just rubbish isnt it - like trying to get away from a monster, you think you lost him - then he jumps out in front of you again - out of the blue.

    It makes you reconsider yourself again, I know you and most others here know.

    So pleased people replied and with some advice that clicks with me.

    Nice to hear from you again Candice. Hope life is treating you OK ish

    Jules

    x

  • Sorry I have just read this Jules. What I want to say is not printable!!!

    Now with my sensible head on! Not sure who said this, but I would suspect it is someone legal or medical?

    You know that our lives are evolving and changing everyday-if they didn't it would be very bloody boring! .

    Remember, You are you, what you have created IS real and very unique to you-it makes you who you are! What or who is 'normal' anyway!

    Take care x x

  • Hello Annie, Jules here.

    You would think legal wouldnt you - but it was people who i allow in my life. Its why i am so hollow in my stomach with it.

    Your words i have copied below:

    ...You are you, what you have created IS real and very unique to you.

    These words 'what you have created' - it is now, or i WAS sensing 'the 'me' now was more like creating the future rather than a loss, what is an irrecoverable loss, but was long ago and is at the end of the day GONE.

    But the problem is people themselves remember who i was before the crash and without meaning to hurt, recall this and talk with sadness about it. Sometimes very angry about it.

    I dont know with this if i am just not seeing my limitations.

    Since last night i have gone through the cycle of emotions - shock, tears, anger, depressed - now i am just plodding around.

    And anyway, the grass is always greener - whos to say your previous life was so brilliant - its always greener isnt it.

    I dont want to live in the past any more - i wish i was an embryo about to breakout of a shell, all new.

    Will stop muttering now.

    Thank you for taking the time to listen

    Jules

    x

  • Jules . One of the best things anyone has said to me since my bi is.........

    You wouldn't rent someone like that a room in your house would you? To which my reply was something like of course I bleep bleep wouldn't.

    Then why on earth have you let them run around in your head and take up residence. Evict them from your head now.

    Love n hugs

    Oxo

  • thanks Oxo - nice to 'hear your voice'

    Jules

    x

  • Don't let the b'tards get you down love. I wasn't able to work at all for nearly 15 years. Then I started work a little at a time, working towards driving that I loved. People supported me all the way, luckily. Good luck love, you've always got us. x

  • thank you Davee, you and others on the forum keep me glued to something more solid.

    Kindest

    Jules

    x

  • Hi Jules,

    I have just finished reading your initial post 13hours ago and all your responses through to your recent msg an hour ago. Everyone here is very supportive because we know that our altered life is like being strapped on a constant roller coaster and we are holding on for all it's worth. From the dizzy heights to the plummeting lows.

    I hope you got some decent sleep and are feeling brighter today.

    By the way, whenever people are cruel to me these day, I shrug it off. That takes away their power over me. And I know from personal experiences that it's hard to do, when the cruelty is from family or people who were once friends.

    As others have said, it doesn't matter what other people think and say to you. I know it is very hurtful. But always remember, the unsavoury comments are really about them.

    Hope you rise above all this soon. Claire xx

  • Claire, Jules here

    Just noticed it was you who suggested the shrug and Caroline the mindfulness - sorry to get you lovely people mixed up - both your replies were muchly appreciated -

    My brains a little more scrambled than usual.

    Take care both of you and hope you have the sun today, whatever you get up to.

    Kindest

    Jules

    x

  • No worries, Jules. I am just checking in and can see that you are receiving truck loads of support here as you are immensely valued.

    Love the idea of your healing garden. In no time, the birds will be dropping in for a visit.

    ps. it's chilly and cloudy over here this morning. Artie (my pet dog) is snuggled beside me.

    Take care. xx

  • Hi Jules,

    Reading the posts it seems that you have been hurt by those 'nearest and dearest'. This is about as tough as it gets - I know because when my mum died suddenly in 2010 my father, brother, sister and seven nieces and nephews all dropped me and mine giving no reason. (My father does send my children birthday cards and transfers money to them though) And yes they are what you call 'high functioning' I believe! Others say 'well they must be horrible people and you are better off without them in your life' and that is sort of true but it still hurts. My 'Happy Pills' are my cushion against these feelings and I would strongly recommend that you try them - but the dose has to be adjusted and then managed by you to maintain the optimum level. My Dad's family has a painful history of dropping people btw and I am actually in touch with a 'half-aunt' on FB. Years ago I also welcomed my half-uncle to Oxford when he came for interview so I did not join in the ostracism even before my TBI troubles... I am teaching my children that it is about kindness and what sort of people we want to be; but also that many people are just not up to behaving well perhaps especially where money is involved.

    I would just add this thought - some have described depression as 'anger turned inwards' and betrayal by those supposed to be the most loyal makes one pretty angry which is why it is like being assaulted emotionally - and your description suggests this! When you are 'cushioned' I have found it helpful to use mindfulness to go over how their behaviour is in their power not mine etc etc and presumably it is not bothering them that they have done this to me when I was very vulnerable!

    I hope that soon you will be able to look up and see your way forward without them - friends are there because they choose to be remember. Take care.

  • Hi there Caroline, Jules here.

    yes i have made an appointment to see my doctor for tomorrow morning - i need a little help. Its changed me.

    I really understood the 'shrug them off' thing - i will do it when/if it happens again ... it will be when wont it.

    Its eating me right now because i should be trying to work - but the words ring in my ears and im wondering if there is a reason i do try. But without work i wouldn't be me.

    Going to buckled down and try some.

    Thank you for not only listening Caroline, but i know you actually read through the previous posts, - thank you also for the advice, i was thinking along the same lines, just needed a nudge.

    Hope your day is OK ish in your part of the world.

    Kindest

    Jules

    x

  • Jules , I honestly don't know what to say but be strong and positive, I wish I could help with advice I can't , I'm trying so hard personally to get back to work, it's a slow process. Just be fecking strong and win ......

  • that is really good advice Patrick, it also made me grin for the first time in a long while.

    '' Just be fecking strong and win ......''

    I think that is brilliant.

    Jules

    x

  • Just to say I've read all these posts and my thoughts are with you Jules. I expect we all of us on here have 2 lives - the one before and the different one after our injury . While living your life afterwards I find it helps to be determined to continue going forwards regardless of what anybody else says or does or, as often can be the case doesn't say or do. You matter very much to all of us I'm sure.

  • Hello there Diana, Jules here

    The replies have been such a huge help to me, so many people all with advice that makes complete sense.

    I have come a long way in my own journey, and the progress only began after i met the people on this site - they have either already been through whatever problem i was facing or knew another who had. Some really dark times too.

    I like the idea of keeping the focus on moving forward - regardless of 'some people' or some remarks people make without thought. You sound like a strong person Diana.

    My stomach is still hollow, but i am a lot stronger now than i was 24 hours ago. I am not a weak person Diana, its just it knocked me for six.

    Thank you for your words, taking the time to read the post and for being there

    Jules

    x

  • Glad things are a bit better now Jules. It's ok and very understandable to be knocked out at times when we go through things and of course you are not a weak person at all - there's an art in working through unpleasant things without dwelling too much on them I think . I 'm sure when others do not have the same problems they often cannot understand the way some things affect us. Anyway keep going forwards and I'm glad it's helping to be in touch with others on the same road who do understand , I think knowing that helps us all.

  • Hello m'love ; just back from my son's & thought I'd check up on you.

    Please take a long look at all the replies to your post if you

    need a measure of how valued you are ! Hope you managed some sleep

    Last night. Talk more later. E. xxx

  • Jules

    I've just read your post and the oodles of advice. I haven't anything to add but a virtual hug and support. I hope you've had a better day.

    Xxxx

  • Hi there jules,

    Looking in on you here. Sending a big hug as also , great advice from everyone here .

    how are you doing ? xxx

  • hello again tired nan, Jules here.

    So lovely to hear from you, we havent chatted for a while.

    I have had better days - but once tonight is over i will dust off and start again.

    I decided to have a lovely shower and put my PJs on. It really helps me relax.

    Im feeling better than 24 hours ago, still overwhelmed a bit by how much support came when i was so low before. Its an amazingly healing forum.

    I get tired of having to keep learning new things about human nature, i know we all do dont we.

    I am finding plodding around the garden now its a bit warmer very healing too - lots of tagpoles in the ponds, honey bees buzzing around the bee hives and mum and my husband have planted seedlings which are just coming up.

    I have been 'allocated' a tiny triangle bit of the garden and have shaken over it some wild flower seed - there are already blue bells and odd looking mushrooms, so it hopefully will be my little patch to retreat to when its all grown in (I know nothing about gardening as you can see - mum and my husband are the gardeners). Of course i have taken a step too far as usual - i decided to sprinkle on some wild bird seed as well, just to see what grows .... think that might be a mistake.

    Hows things with you now ?

    Jules

    x

  • Garden sounds lovely Jules. We have been in this house a few years now and although small the garden is full of bluebells. It makes you feel so much better doesn't it watching the bees about. We have a little field mouse living in a bit of old pipe abandoned in the long grass, it comes and peeks out now and then and the little girls are delighted. we have a robin also and I have always loved them.

    I'm struggling a bit with health at the moment but thanks for asking , will be ok soon. lovely that you are feeling a bit easier in yourself. I hope that you slept well. Love Nan xx

  • Hi nan,

    So wish i had a little field mouse in the garden, maybe i do but havent seen it.

    Blue bells are funny arent they - i thought they had to be in shaded woodland environment - but my neighbor has bunches of them growing wild all along the outside of her front garden wall (bordering onto the public footpath) in in broad daylight/no cover or shade.

    Hope your a little better soon nan

    Jules

  • Thanks Jules,

    You take good care of yourself now, big hug xx

  • Jules I am late to this and really hope you are a little more steady today. It is awful how an unthinking comment can simply pull our well placed rug out from under us isn't it?

    It is a long time ago now but maybe a couple of years into my journey I felt I was doing okay and getting a handle on where this new part of my life was taking me, and then somebody looked at me with a rather sad expression on their face and asked me "what did you used to be?"

    I was shocked...and horrified.... and I crumbled. That was the start of a (thankfully short lived) shaky patch for me... but when I had calmed down I thought about what they had said...and I pondered briefly on what may have meant or intended... and then I decided that rather than give this throwaway comment any more power over me I would choose to let it go...and I kept telling myself that ..I choose to let this go... and eventually without me even noticing, the power it had over me was gone.

    Every so often I get rare moments of clarity when the full impact of how my life changed hits home... and it is unpleasant and it shakes me a little, but I acknowledge it, let that wash over me and then I let it go.

    I hope that you will be able to find a way to let these things wash over you and flow away...but in the meantime know that you are unique and you are amazing and you are you... please don't let anyone take that away.

  • Hello Iforgot

    Does that feeling not go away, ever ? The feeling in your self when the full consequences of what happened hits home . It does just come over you does it.

    But i had hoped it would stop one day. Mine was 6 years ago but i am only starting to 'think' about it 'honestly' to myself now.

    How long ago was yours iforget ?

    Jules

    x

  • Hi Jules...

    I did my humpty dumpty (had a great fall ;) ) in 2006 so it will be 11 years in August.

    For me I think it has always been a fleeting thing when this absolute clarity hits - although I appreciate that my memory issues protect me to a degree.

    In the early days it was more frequent and each time I was crushed by the horrible reality of my situation...but as time has passed these moments have become less frequent and are no longer able to crush me in the same way they once did...

    I am not sure how much of this is simply due to the fact that time has passed, the old life and the old me are distant and the new me and the life I am building for myself has become my new reality.

    I hope that one day soon there will be no need to ever reference old and new ...and I can just be me...because that is really who I am...I am me. I plan to be the best me I can be and that is good enough. I am enough.

    And you are you...and nobody can take that away. You are enough. Believe that.

    Take care of yourself Jules.

  • funny that . Same words i use 'will it be enough'

    Have a good day

    Jules

  • Hello Julesgettingthere, I've only just read your post & I sincerely hope you're emotions are less raw by now. I don't have any wisdom to share & I won't try to repeat or embellish the support & kindness that has already been offered here. Those people should be ashamed of themselves, plenty of lovely words in the English language without the need to select nasty ones! Just pity them! :-)

    Wishing you love & light.

    CCxx

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