Is it just me

[Braininjurysurvivor]

My partner keeps calling me selfish about the way I’m feeling he constantly shouts at me his very inpatient with me even my kids have a go at me I feel like giving up I’ve really had enough I don’t know what to do anymore I want this to all go away 8 months ago today my life was completely ruined it’s so unfair

[cat3]

OK m'dear, I think it's time to call the helpline. You need someone on your side, not just here on the forum but in a more direct / hands-on fashion and with a degree of authority.

It's hard to fathom your family situation but you obviously feel desperately isolated and neglected...……..and my heart goes out to you. After everything you've been through this past eight months you deserve some serious support and TLC.

Unfortunately, the helpline's closed during the weekend but you'll reach them (free) on Monday during office hours on 0808 800 2244. PLEASE call them ; you'll find the staff welcoming and caring.

Let us know how you get on m'dear…. Cat x

[stedman in reply to cat3]

Hi Cat3.

Very good and solid advice!

[Hidden]

Should be referred too as an expartner, as I feel it will not improve. I have driven away lots of people for the exact reasons you mention, it's because we may look normal.

[Braininjurysurvivor]

Thankyou for your reply’s I feel so alone and all of this really isn’t helping my recovery at all I feel helpless I’m waiting for an appointment with a neuro physciatrist but I’m sure that isn’t going to be quick I probably will call the helpline but I don’t want to sound stupid. My partner ya just tried to talk/shout at me about the whole situation I feel like it’s all my fault the way I’m feeling and I fee like I’m being ganged up on and my other half knows how low I am suicidal yet he continues to dig at me and keep saying it’s all about me it’s all about me which I think is disgusting of him to say that I am the one with the tbi not him and I for one know me and my family have been through a very awful time I just don’t know what to do to help I’m sorry everyone I just start writing on here and I can’t stop so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense

I’m so thankful for people who reply to me it makes me cry every time I read the messages because ur all so nice and try to help me xx

[cat3 in reply to Braininjurysurvivor]

You might need medication to help lift your mood and to cope with what life is throwing at you. The fact that you fear sounding stupid is worrying as it suggests you're becoming a victim of abuse.

You're NOT stupid m'love and no one at the Headway helpline will view you in that way or judge you. Please phone them on Monday ; you'll be pleasantly surprised at how understanding they are. x

[AndrewT]

Dear Braininjurysurvivour,

There is, a great deal, of information regarding Brain Injury, it's Effects and so forth.....Ask, Get, Insist On, your Family READING it! I doubt, very much, if YOU are being Deliberately 'Difficult'- in ANY way. I suspect, heck Know, that you are doing your best- in fact your, almost certainly, Working your Socks off/ Bending over Backwards.....to try and accommodate them! (what MORE, do 'they' bl--dy want?)

The Problem is basically Two Fold...You have 'Changed', in ways YOU may not be aware of- trust me on this. As a result YOU need a LOT more TIME, Patience and Understanding...mainly TIME. They want 'MUM' back...and can't understand what's 'Happened'. You Look, the same, You Sound, the same, You Cook, the same (Gawd 'elp us!) but you DON'T Act/ React the same. It has been, without being too Morbid, like a 'Bereavement'....the LOSS of the person, they all knew. Couple this with, the fact (sorry) that you now have a shorter 'Fuse' and, are perhaps, more 'Fussy' about Things (why is that cup still on the table, it's seven for Pete's sake.) Is this making any sense?

Please DON'T get ME wrong, I am a BI Survivor, myself so...Been there, Done That, Bought the 'T-shirt' and worn it out! Please DO show, your family, this (these) Post(s) and, try to find some extra information. There is a Headway Branch/ Centre in most- if not all counties. Most have 'Outreach Teams', who visit people, Just Like Yourselves. Headway, rather like this 'Forum', have a great deal, of 'Collective' Knowledge/ Experience and can therefore Advise from a 'UNIQUE' perspective. Please do Contact them. Beyond, all of this, I can only offer you my- indeed ALL our Love, Caring and Understanding.

A final 'Thought'...Stand, in front of, your Mirror...yes that one. Look into it carefully, do you 'See' the Old You? Get a bit closer...there she is, there all the time...Put her in YOUR arms, comfort HER, for she is crying....I think YOU are too now, aren't you? Reach out, to her, take her with you. This IS a journey, who better to have with you? Are you now Cuddling yourself? NO it's NOT silly, at all. (There was a Drama, some years ago now, just called Syble. It told the Story of a Girl/ Woman, who had been so abused- by her own Mother- that she had developed Multiple Personalities. The film ends, with Syble, becoming 'Mother' to her younger self 'Peggy'.)

Finally and, I know, that 'Everyone' echoes this, I wish You ALL Good Fortune. Love CAN conquer all, but only, if Everyone is willing to make it so. Have 'Pow Wow'/ 'Heads Down', 'Family Talk' or even a Bl--dy 'Argument'...but just TALK, to each other!

Love, and Best Wishes, to you all

AndrewT

[claretand]

Hi, I fully support AndrewT post, I know you have messaged my wife, Morag, in the past regarding your cranioplasty. I am her husband and carer. Your partner really needs to research the impact and complexities of a Traumatic Brain Injury, he needs to assist your recovery, your home environment is vitally important to your recovery. I researched everything possible, I spoke to nurses, consultants, therapists and Headway. You have had a life changing trauma, it affects not only yourself but those closest to you, you need to communicate and put strategies in place. Tomorrow is the 1st anniversary of Morags accident, the memory of watching her almost die will live with me forever, I am immensely proud of her achievements, your partner really needs to recall the feelings and dread he had at the time of your tbi. It really does put a whole different perspective on life. Shouting serves no purpose, a little research and an arm around the shoulder calms a thousand fears.

[Lynd]

Sounds like your family are frightened of what has happened to you and not accepting it. It takes a lot of adapting.

As a carer/supporter I have been guilty of expecting too much at times. It's a massive learning curve.

I hope Headway can help you all.

[Hayl0]

Dear braininjurysurvivor,

I am so sorry to hear that your family are not supporting you through this awful tragedy in your life. 1 of the things I have learned from headway etc is that we must NEVER treat a tbi sufferer like they are stupid or are not "trying" enough. You have had an awful ordeal and you need nurturing and patience. It is stressful enough that you are not able to cope as you once did and you will probably suffer lasting effects from you injury and your family need to realise this. They need to accept that NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT and even when you try your best, you are INJURED. Brain injuries last years/lifetime and people need to understand that whatever they think THEY missing out on is NOTHING compared to what you are having to go through. As the others have said, you need some proper support. In the mean time, perhaps you should see your GP and ask for some counselling. Contact Headway also. Do not suffer alone.

Xx

[FlowerPower62]

I really do feel for you. Yes, you must get your partner to read up on what's happened to you, he needs to understand. I have spent ages on the computer over the last (nearly) year. including reading these posts, and it has helped me understand. And as the others said, you must get help, from Headway, your GP, anyone who can help. You really don't have to suffer alone. Take care. xx

[Hidden]

Hi, you will get through this. My wife rarely comments on here but has reminded me after I read your post to her, as humans we forget to look back at our achievements to help measure our successes, who we are and realise how amazing we can be at dealing with difficult challenges in life.

Others are right that you are a new person and a different person than before your accident. Your still learning who you are and others around you need to do the same and they will be realising this.

I believe you mentioned some of your care was in southampton hospital, we spent a lot of time there at the Wessex neuro centre, in NICU and on E Neuro ward before my wife's discharge to our local hospital. If your based in hampshire or the Solent region (were not) I believe there is an NHS community neuro support team, which requires a referal from your ABI/TBI specialist or GP, who could help with carer support and family guidence at home, amongst other things. Not every NHS trust in the UK has one. It won't solve your immediate issues but could help with the future support for you and your family.

I can only echo what everyone else has also said, that a good place to start is to call the headway helpline where you will talk to a caring professional who will understand and be able to help you.

I hope the coming days go much better for you.

[stedman]

Hello!

Contact your Doctor and tell him you are being HARASSED at home.

Get it on record.

[AndrewT in reply to stedman]

Dear Stedman,

Excuse me for saying this but....Steady on Steadman! I'm sure that, all this, is Due To a Lack of Understanding and CLEARLY not abuse! I'll put this in another context....your Son, or Daughter, suffers a broken jaw, playing Football. Everyone says 'Sorry' initially....However six months later, due to complications, she is still in Plaster. Would you, at that point, Refer it the Police? Would you, in any case, want to leave the 'Stain/ Black Mark', against this Family, who are really, only 'guilty' of a Mis-understanding? I Certainly wouldn't!

I Definitely did NOT, try to, attribute 'Blame' in my 'Post' and I'm, very surprised, that YOU are. Incidentally, since no-one has been 'Substantially' harmed/ hurt here- apart from a few frayed nerves (Perhaps)- on what Basis would you call the Police? Are you going, to Allege, 'Deliberate' actions? Clearly NOT the case!

Sorry but, I think, that YOU are being 'Unfair' to a Loving Family- guilty of, nothing more, than just wanting their Mother back. I can, just about, 'Understand' where you are Coming from...Just about! However you ARE wrong, this IS 'lack of Understanding'- nothing more. Save the 'Abuse Advice', for the Lady- or Gent- being Beaten every day...This Clearly ISN'T, the case, here.

However, on a more Positive note.......Merry Christmas Stedman, I hope it is a Good One, for you.

AndrewT

[stedman]

AndrewT.

Thank you for commenting on my post. I am not sure of your connection with the Ataxia sufferer so my reply will be limited to the fact that I am an Ataxian who experienced similar bouts of attempted manipulation, contrived bullying and sullenness due to the fact I was a "Mr Do-it" pre Ataxia, and became an armchair sloth post Ataxia, when I recognised how I was being assessed I informed the party that I would contact the Doctor and inform that "I was being harrassed" this immediately stopped the mindset against me. FYI; Ataxia is considered as being in the same category as Heart and Stroke attacks which Doctors priorotise for home visits! I have worked hard to recover from which after all is a degenerative brain condition, for which no reversal can be made according to my medical advisors. I am no longer an armchair sloth, some days I feel quite good and earn my keep, I make a worthwhile contribution every day.

I never mentioned the Police, you did in your assumptions above.

As an Ataxian I don't consider myself "unfair, author of "abuse advice",

The Wife set the scene in her post i.e......" My partner keeps calling me selfish about the way I’m feeling he constantly shouts at me his very inpatient with me even my kids have a go at me I feel like giving up I’ve really had enough I don’t know what to do anymore I want this to all go away 8 months ago today my life was completely ruined it’s so unfair ".

You may want to reconsider your above post in accordance with the facts!

Pressure, anxiety, and confrontation are very distinct enemies to Ataxians. Thank you for your wishes for Christmas which I happilly return to you.

Stedman 02/12/19.

[AndrewT in reply to stedman]

Dear Stedman,

We were, very clearly, at 'Crossed' Purposes and, for MY part, I'm sorry that I VERY Clearly Completely Mis-Interpreted your post. I'm currently, sitting here, VERY red faced👹.

Please DO Accept, my Apology...No I Don't Know about 'Ataxia'...Please, if I haven't caused too much Offence, can/ will you explain it to me?

I was, in my Defence, only anxious that this Dear Family aren't/ were not put under any More Pressure. I hope you can, at least, understand my motive(s) and hopefully Forgive my error.

There isn't, much more, that I can add...apart from sorry, once again.

AndrewT

[stedman in reply to AndrewT]

Thank you for your reply. Your post did not offend me, surprised me, yes! No worries. I appreciate your standing up to the plate and coming back to me on the matter. I accept your concerns were real and in support of the family and I am pleased to say I bear no animosity.

I wish you good health, good luck, and happiness in your life.

Regards, stedman;-)) 04/12/19

[Family35]

Sorry you are having to go through this as a partner of a brain injured I see it from the other side .... makings you feel stupid isn’t acceptable however it seems as your family are finding the situation difficult and hard to come to terms with? Education for all your family on your condition may help with coming to terms and coping strategies? It’s very hard losing the old loved one however it appears early days for you all and time does make a difference to recovery. Also with my partner 11 yrs on he has no insight into his condition which makes things very difficult x

[Richdp]

Hi

Unfortunately the separation/divorce statistics where brain damaged people are concerned are actually (I hate to say) on point, that being, the odds are stacked against us, and I'm another addition to the percentage of failed marriages.

Our partners just want the former person that once was.

My TBI was 8 years ago, and 2 young children later, I'm going through the a divorce now!

I want someone to want the person I am now, and not always pining for the person I once was.

I'm finding it very difficult and a very lonely place at the moment, but I guess I've just got a battle through like with everything else.

Really hope you can get through this tough time, I can completely emphasize with you.

I hope you don't become another addition to the percentage of breakups.

Its still early days for you, so there's a lot of learning to invest in for everyone.

X