Although I don't think I really am, do you ever get the feeling that you are living in hell?
Hell is pictured to many as the fiery pits of the underworld but what if hell was actually the sort of place that looked nothing like a what you thought it was and was really like you were living life on Earth but things continuously went wrong and you experienced a lot of torture and so on.
It is just a thought I sometimes get but when I stand back and take a good look at my life, I can't help but think it.
What if I died back in 1996 and what I am doing now is living life in my version of hell?
I have never told any gamily members this and most probably never will.
Like I say though, this is just a thought I get at times. It doesn't mean I always think this way.
It's just that, it fits though, it is would make a lot of sense in some ways.
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Matt2584
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That's an unusually dark post for you ! I can't say that I believe wholeheartedly in either heaven or hell. I suspect we all get the occasional feelings of detachment from reality and wonder if the here and now is really our reality or some parallel life or dreamlike state.I have sometimes wondered' Is this all ?' or 'What is our purpose as individuals ?' Not in any bleak or depressed way but just as a curiosity : )
I can tell you that you are definitely part of my reality and I am glad about that : )
This is quite a dark post for me, is it not :). It shows that I am not all blossom and bright eyed and bushy tailed :).
I think like you say, it is a bit of curiosity that I could THINK, what if I am in hell but really I am not... Or do I really think I am in Hull?... Then I really am in hell haha.
I jest, I have never even been to Hull.
I just get those thoughts cos like I said, I look at my position in life and think that I am so not experienced in a few things that half the world are. Simple things too like washing clothes and hanging them out to dry, stuff like that. Never done it before but then again... Half the world has not been through what I have been through.
I think it was the writer Jeanne Paul Sartre who said 'Hell is other people' and in many instances I tend to agree. But for me my life is what I make it (a cliché I know) but it's the only thing which makes sense to me.
So when others make me miserable I avoid them and I try to keep company with those who have a positive effect. And when I start to hate myself for my shortcomings I remind myself that in the great scheme of things I'm not that important and neither are my failures.
Humour is my lifesaver and I know that's something you're more than capable of Matt. So please don't encourage these dark thoughts in yourself ; when they creep into your head give yourself a good talking-to and think of pleasant stuff like how popular you are here and what a talent you have artistically and how good life can be .................................... if you start noticing and appreciating the good things they might occupy your brain and oust the hellish thoughts for good.
As I was saying to Angelite, I think the 'Living in hell' is more of a curiosity or a 'what-if' thought but like you said, I shall try to shun them out and think more pleasant things like rainbows and water voles swimming from bank to bank and things like that :).
I think I might use those water voles for myself when things look bleak !
Seriously though, if it's merely curiosity then go for it. Curiosity is what leads to knowledge and, if you always emerge unscathed, there's no harm done.
But water voles........................how different !! You're one of a kind Matt, in a good way. xxx
Before I joined Headway, I did a lot of online chatting, I would talk to various folk across the globe.
Quite a few people I knew online found me to be funny/popular, I even made myself laugh at some of the things I said and how I would say them.
Now I am at Headway and I don't have the time for the online chatting, plus it got very boring after 5 or so years of it.
Anyway, I was then socialising in person and it is very very different for me to come across as a clown :).
For one, I don't exactly want to come across as a clown in a social setting and two there are a few other people at my Headway who are much louder and funnier people... Well I think they can be funnier.
I am quite a quiet person really and all my humour comes from my warped head haha.
I do love my wildlife.Like you, I was worried to learn how endangered they are but after some further videos I realised that conservation groups are doing a sterling job, creating ideal habitats and supplementing diet : ) x
Yes, we often frown on keeping animals in captivity but it seems it's their only salvation. I know there are programmes for releasing them back into the wild but what a tragedy that they can't just be allowed to thrive without such intervention.
Ooh the potter's wheel ; you can't possibly be old enough to remember that Angela !! xx
I think you have hit upon something there Matt - vole therapy ! : ))
I challenge anyone not to smile at their whiskery, tail ruddering, ninety to the dozen legs, beady eyed, swimmingness !
As I said to Cat, further videos explained how new habitats/feeding stations are being created to encourage breeding, so I am happy that their plight has been recognised : )
Your barge trip sounds lovely but shame about the decline of local species.We now have a local sanctuary area near us dedicated to the Newt : )
I have watched volunteers at dusk on the park on newt-watch with their torches ! - good to know that people care : ) x
They are cute little critters and it is a big shame that they/wildlife are declining :(. I blame the government for most of that.
But saying that it is fantastic news to hear that there are people out there who care about the wildlife.
One creature we rarely see now are hedgehogs. Apparently, Scotland used to see them as pests, dunno if they still do. We used to get Hedgehogs in our back and front garden but for quite a few years, nothing :(.
But last year, I think, me, my mum and bro got home in the early hours of the morning cos we had been out at London and we saw a hedgehog on our driveway! We were most thrilled :).
I sometimes shop on an online webstore called Ethical Superstore and they sell houses for hedgehogs :). They also sell insect hotels. We have got one of those but we got ours from Lidl I think it was. We have had a few bees swarming around it making nests.
I think it is a great idea though, bees are on a massive decline too and we cannot lose the bees, bees are important for our lives.
Albert Einstein once said that if every last bee on Earth died, humans would have 4 years to live :|.
I wish we got more wildlife in our garden but sadly we have had some rotten neighbours where we live.
Years ago when we used to see hedgehogs more often, we had a little nest/burrow in our front garden.
One day when we were out and about, one of our rotten neighbours took the hedgehogs from our garden and let her kids beat them to death!
Absolutely disgusting family they were. I say 'were' cos the mother died. Me and my family were dancing with happiness when we found out. "Ding, dong, the witch is dead'. Talk about Karma. In your face! :).
There was no father and the kids got evicted, yay. Serves them right.
We have had birds flying in and out of our garden but we have neighbours that own cats. So they are usually chased off by them.
Whenever something good comes along, there is always something else to stop it... I hate it.
As a person who has spent a good proportion of my life 'not belonging', I get the 'Hell' analogy. I'm not Christian, so 'Hell' doesn't really stick for me, and my weird belief system tells me that when I die, I'll be reclaimed organs, and the rest will be worm-food.
It's different, though, isn't it, post-BI? All the adjustments we have to make are tiring, in a way that other people just don't see, I'm being ever-so careful not to view the pain, and the fatigue, and all the other irritating symptoms as punishment, payback, Karma, whatever, but I WAS raised Catholic, so every so often, my brain does a little backflip, and plants a "Maybe this is because you bit those tomatoes, and blamed your brother, when you were 5?" (Not that specifically, I've done a million and one things worse, but that was the first thing that popped into my head.)
I think it was Mephistopholes, in Faust, who delivered the killer line "This is Hell, nor are we out of it.", which I sometimes casually throw into conversation when things are going a bit tits-up.
Life can seem Hellish at times, but each of us are dealing with our own personal version of it, the husband thinks it's the end of the world if someone makes him a sandwich with the ingredients in the 'wrong' order, so we've stopped making sandwiches for him.
My son, brilliant, anarchic monster that he is, once terrified his whole Biology class, by posing the philosophical question "Could we all be dying, and this, which we perceive to be our life actually be the 'flashback' of our life, as we pass?" He's as weird as me, and he doesn't have a brain injury to blame.
So, for me, no, it's not Hell, but I WILL always have a little of the devil in me.
Your son's question made me think immediately of the film ' Jacob's Ladder'. This is probably going to sound a bit strange but in many ways I have gained from having a BI . Tolerance, insight, medical knowledge,empathy,how to conquer my fears, overcome challenges, patience with myself,deeper appreciation of the good things,realisation that my needs count too, friends online of course ! : ))
I feel like I have learned a great deal in spite of hardships ,this helps me to be a more balanced person and see the bigger picture around me.
Loving the eye pic - I think viewing the world upside down is the best way to make sense of it all !
Have a good day, whatever your reality, Angela : ) x
When you were saying about the adjustments we have to make post BI. That reminds me of what I learnt at the cognitive course at my local Headway.
She was talking about fatigue. Most people with BI get it, I know I do. She was saying that you could pass on a message directly to another, which is how most peoples minds work.
But for people with BI, the message would be passed around from person to person (In our group) until it reaches you. In other words, things take longer to get th message and it's very tiring.
Our brains work double than able-bodied brains.
I have bad balance to and even doing a simple thing as walking take sa lot more effort leading to fatigue.
People on the outside do not see this.
I tell myself that the benefits that I get, I earn. Because I have a BI which makes life more of a challenge. I am working my brain all the time.
That makes perfect sense, Matt, the analogy of 'passing the message' in relation to the fatigue. Straight after the surgery, there's also the consideration that the brain is having to heal, as well as do all of the other things that it is expected to do. For me, I have some scar tissue, and some coils of metal inside my brain, that weren't there before, so it's essentially the same brain, but different.
I'm having an 'off' day today, the vertigo is horrible, and my peripheral vision is closing down, which usually indicates that I've over-done it, and my body is enforcing rest. As much as I rattle on about being kinder to myself, and listening to my body, I'm still an impulsive idiot, I didn't work excessive hours last week, and it wasn't as hot as the week before, but my brain and body are telling me to ease off.
I'm incredibly fortunate to have so few impairments, and to have been able to return to work so soon. I'm almost back on full duties now, and I'm not being 'babysat' as much as I was at first- I was unpredictable before, they didn't know how the brain injury would impact on me, but, once they realised I wasn't going to shout 'CUSTARD!' during important meetings, they eased off the reins a bit.
I still hide in cupboards, and monkey about, I wouldn't be me if I didn't.
With regard to the benefits, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone, we all pay our tax and national insurance KNOWING that we might, one day, have to draw some back, nobody has any right to criticise anyone on benefits. I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination, and I wouldn't like to think about how I'd manage if I wasn't able to work.
We all just keep pootling on, and, when a new barrier or impairment shows up, we scratch our heads, and figure a way over, under, or around it. I still don't think I'm in Hell, but I work in a school, and next week is the last week before the summer holidays, I might change my mind before Friday. Six weeks off, though...
I am so sorry you feel this way. I am Christian and before everyone throws rotten eggs at me I would like to say I am not in hell and that I believe God is still working to help us in this life and the next. You can blame him for all the bad stuff that happens and you can say he is just punishing us for all the bad stuff we have done but he is really not like that. God is full of love, not some old man on a cloud waiting to hit us all with a stick when we fall down. Jesus was the personification of God and the only thing I have heard about him is that he cared for people who were down-trodden and went out of his way to help them. I don't have a BI but I have a husband who has had one and who is still praylised from chect down. All both of us can say is that God has kept him alive and that life is mostly enjoyable and fulfilling altho incredibly, incredibly tough at times.
It makes me sad that you think you are in hell. I am so sorry.
Hannah
PS excuse the lack of photo, I can't seem to get it to load. Not trying to be anonymous.
This is a individual topic depending on your circumstances. Earth can be either Heaven or Hell I have experienced both but definitely the "Bell" side more
Well you're not the only one to have had these thoughts Matt, so you're not alone there!
The whole heaven & hell thing is something we're conditioned to believe in right from when we're sent to school, I don't believe in god anymore than I believe in fairy's living at the bottom of my garden.
However, whenever we talk about heaven & hell, we always look up or point up to the sky when we talk of heaven, yet look down when we're talking about hell, so my thought on this is that what we're actually doing (if it exists?) is actually living in hell right now, all the disease, heartbreak, torture, war, murder, death, famine, etc is in fact hell, and when we die, we're released from this and technically live in heaven.
For about 18 months after my accident, I seriously believed that I was dead, and that what I was doing was all my imagination, so I would quite often walk around naked, or tell people exactly what I thought, even if it was hurtful, telling attractive girls what I would do to them in bed, and often stroking their breasts, or bum, hence why I spent six months in intensive rehab at Headley Court, and couldn't go out without one of the nurses!
I'm happy to say that all that has passed now, except telling people how it really is & what I think of them, that's a trait I don't want to let go.
I am with you when you say about all the bad things we go through while on Earth is living in hell and when we die is when we are free from it, we go to heaven... Apparently.
If you were in England, you would point down referring to hell and in Australia you would most probably do the same thing, point down. But then pointing down would appear as pointing up. So is heaven/hel up or down or what?
Hannah- I didn't mean to cause offence, and I'm certainly not slinging eggs. I was just pointing out that 'Hell' is a concept I don't really attach any weight to.
I'm pleased that your faith is helping you and your husband through the difficult times.
Hi Matt2584 can understand and do wonder myself and even think 1984 for me perhaps would be easier if I was killed.
Though I know is not 'hell' and am in the real world. Just when I am feeling low and I mean low will often think what's the point but for the person I care for I go ne further besides not fond of pain if I do something wrong and can not reverse it. Besides would not want to cause that anguish or will I.
My medication does inform me if feeling these thoughts report it but if I went to the doctors about all the points it raises be there a lot of times and so compromise. If anything did get real bad probably would see the doctor.
I do try some natural remedies where I can.
Another thing I do is hide my true self sometimes by jokes and being literal in my thinking.
If the feelings are really bad, says me who has not, speak with a good friend, close family member or do see a doctor who might point you to someone who can help to overcome this low points if the doctor cannot solve the problem.
I am well pleased with the spell check or maybe my typo's
Nope. But my definition of hell is absence of God and luckily for me God and I have just got closer and closer during my illness. Probably because spending so much time lying down I had more time to talk with him properly whereas I was always so busy before.
I do still get low at times though, although have never been what I would call seriously low since my faith blossomed into something more real and meaningful. But I would echo what all the others have said, and can from experience in my youth heartily recommend the Samaritans if you (or anyone posting here) really feels things are getting to be too much. But turn to whatever support networks there are where you live too - there are often places such as charities like Mind offering drop-ins where you can talk to someone face to face if that is preferable. Always seek help though...
Aww, that's really nice of you to say Geoff AKA GMF :).
I wasn't actually feeling that down when I initially wrote the post. I think like I was saying I was just a bit curious. I want answers, that sort of thing :).
I'm kind of showing 'ya'll', as Americans would say, that I am not all neon lights and daffodils but I do have a small percentage of darkness :).
I tend to use my humour to put up a rsather brighter image of me than sometimes exists but hearing people laugh lifts mys spirit anyway, even if it's a virtual laugh.
Guess we all have our Darth Vader dark side and unlike Luke can't always resits the temptation lol >
I like the sounds of laughter, especially baby giggles. I don't know if I really like those types of laughs when you are in a crowded environment and you are in a conversation and another conversation is going on behind you and it is quite loud and all of a sudden one person starts laughing really loudly and you can't hear what your saying.
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xx
Dark thoughts
My hell of a life
I fell in love with my neuropsychologist and I told her what I felt, now I can't stop thinking about her
Independent living with support
