Well its been a strange day, not the day I thought it was going to be. I warn you now this may be a long post so if you wish to leave now I will understand, if you stay with it...then A big thank you.
I say a strange day because I had planned it to be so different. Infact I needed it to be so different. You see its is exactly 16 years today that I had my accident. About 2:30pm ish. I left work happy and carfree and awoke later a different man.
Each year since recovering I have suffered with depression around this time, sometimes without realising the date.
Well I had had enough of this so had planned to celebrate this day to see if it would stop this happening( long shot but hey). If any of you have read any of my previous post you may have read this.
I had felt strange planning to celebrate my so called rebirth date as it meant that I would also be celebrating the death of theold me. A bit morbid but thats what it felt like.
Well I would like to say that this has worked out fine.......but alas I just could not celebrate this day. I have spent the day trying to read my old diaries and I must say laughing along with them .
It was whilst doing this that I realised I had long accepted that the old me had gone. When this happened I do not know, I think I missed the moment whilst getting on with my life.
That is when it suddenly hit me I wasnt deppressed, a little sad at what had happened but not actually feeling totally at a loss. I then realised that although my accident had had a big impact on my life itdidnt define me.
I know I may still suffer those bouts of depression when I feel total seperate from the world around me. But maybe just maybe this date will not be a trigger.
The real question is when did all this happen? Welk I have no idea but it was about bloody time. Thanks for reading and alk the best.
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paxo05
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all this stuff is powerfull! i know i donot actually have/had B.I but i live with it! (hubby) its all encpassming it changes you as a person,makes you think more far more about youre life,makes you ask questions you may never have asked yourselfWhen youre told (in our case) that if you donot have the op and if youre G.Phadnot spotted a drooping eye youre husband would have had three weeks left to live! it forces you to all and more of the above! youre world as it was stops spinning,when it finally starts again,slowly at first,thats when it start. Its ok to "mourn" the loss of what was,but its more than ok to move on embrace every single aspect of life including being more yourself new or old or a mix of the two! So go take walks in the sun,sip dslowly at a pint,smile at pepole who donot understand because they never will! ,
Having a bi is never a solitary thing. It affects the whole family.
I will sit and have a metaphorical pint ( cant drink anymore). As for smiling .......I find even when I feel down I try to smile....if only to mke people wonder why I am so happy. Try this it makes you feel so much better seeong there puzzled look trying to work out ifyou know something they dont.
All I can say that today has felt so strange...but in a good way.
I made a post-bi resolution to be as positive as possible in an effort to boost my recovery. An experiment I decided to try was to smile at passers-by regardless of their demeanour.
I'd guess that approx.95% of folk reciprocate with a return smile, often with warmth, suggesting a momentary lifting of spirits. So if I can regularly create such small comforts for others on a daily basis, just imagine the effect on the population if everyone practiced this very basic gesture on a daily basis.
Apparently, a smile to a stranger can serve to lower the blood pressure of both parties and create a rush of 'feel good' hormones such as Oxytocin & Serotonin which are responsible for lifting us from low moods.
Next time you fancy doing a good deed, just smile at someone as they're passing, especially if they're looking unhappy. xx
I agree a smile cost nothing and has a double effect that you and others feel the benefit. It took me a while to identify my depression as the one feeling zi dont feel at the time is depressed...strange that. Its the feeling of disconection that really I find hard to deal with. Also add this to any low points = one bad time.
Although my depression is not conected to low mood I find trying to keep up beat helps deal with it. Its true I get a bigger buz from other peoples reaction to my "chirpy " appearance than I do to keeping smiling. I am not sure why this should work but hey it sure does. Keep on smiling cat x
Something very similar happened to me too. I'm not sure when or how. I kind of figure that it must have been when I stopped trying to prove I wasn't broken or changed. I was just getting on with getting on. Maybe I forgot to worry?
I don't know but once I realised I felt so much lighter. Yes I still get angry upset and frustrated at times, but I don't feel so helpless.
Its a strange but nice feeling. It's like a big cloud as gone from the sky over me. I also feel connected back in the real world. Like you I know I will still have frustrating and bad days but even this does not bother me anymore.
I mark my date as a matter of course each year on the new calendar-purely as an acknowledgement of how long since the event.It has no power of regret or celebration-just a nod towards the timescale.What matters is how I am now.
Razy, your insight into the whole BI concept is so sharp - your book is going to be an interesting read !
Cat, I do the smiley thing too - always nice when it is reciprocated !
Wonderful Paxo. Feeling at one with yourself and knowing it, instead of at odds, is very powerful. I will share in raising that celebratory decaf and chink mugs across the virtual coffee table with you. Bravo!
I always celebrate my anniversary - not the accident, of course, but the fact that I survived it!
I take the day off work, and go to the hospital where I 'woke up' - I was awake in the earlier hospital, but I can't remember it, at all.
For the last two years, the anniversary has been on a weekend, so I have taken my girls along with me. QTKT was just a baby when I was in hospital, and I didn't know she was mine - my chunk of pre-accident missing memory included my second pregnancy, us moving house so we would have space for her, the easy, on-due-date birth... Fortunately, I rapidly developed a lot of love for her! The nurses loved seeing the big girl my little baby has become, and the lovely teenager my toddler (who I always knew was mine!) has turned into.
I think anniversaries are worth celebrating: not the accident, but your survival!
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xx
In 19 days its a year later.... 
its been some time since i was last on here .....
Crying , Emotion & Love?
