Hello family, jules here.

I am probably going to be pouring my heart out tonight, I will try not do, but.

I don't want to do any projects tonight, haven't done any all day. Don't know why I have stopped.

Feeling disconnected with my home and the things in it.

Tried to fill my time doing a little work for my job at the shelter, but it ended where I started. Went in a full circle.

Without my projects that leaves me housework I can complete. Just housework. Even that doesn't ever stay complete as the next day the same stuff needs to be re done again. Its a bit pointless that, but like most people (well women anyway !) I like the house clean and tidy. So I suppose I will go and clean the house until I fall asleep.

Its not much of a life anymore is it.

Quite Low Jules


19 Replies

  • Hi Jules, sorry you are having such a bad day. You are right about the housework, I often ask myself why I bother to do it when I know I;'ll have to do it all again soon.

    Hopefully tomorrow you may feel a bit more like doing one of your projects. If not, could you try something different? I am sorry, I don't know what you are able to do but could you go for a walk in the sunshine, the vit D would do you good, or anything active might help. Maybe just doing static things is not what you need at the moment.

    Lots of best wishes coming your way for a good day tomorrow.


  • Hi Jan

    Thanks for chatting.

    Yes, I had a spinal but i can walk short distances.

    You might be right, maybe tonight i will try and come up with something different tomorrow.

    Its just part of the ever returning cycle. Took me a long time to realize there was a pattern to it.

    I will feel better later.



  • I haven't heard about your work at a shelter Jules ; how long have you been doing that ? xx

  • Hello there Cat

    Nice to hear your 'voice'.

    I have worked for the shelter for 26 years.

    Its there i worked as finance director before the crash. They have been good enough to bear with me, even thou i now work only from home and demoted to admin roles. Its ok thou, i am trying to put together pictures for a rabbit and guinea pig leaflet at the moment. Sounds simple, and it is. But i am stuck. Too much information and i cant choose what would work ok.

    I deleted some colors that i wasn't sure about and saved the document but it ended up being nearly the same as yesterdays work - wasted day really. Frustrating that i didn't realize it was the same work repeated. Just didn't see it. Wouldn't believe it if you told me and i hadn't got a copy of yesterdays.

    Tomorrow will be better, i will stumble upon the perfect colors and text !

    Are you ok today ? too windy for the garden (well it was here).




  • Really strong winds here the past few days Jules. But I've done masses of gardening 'cause I prefer the cooling winds to the relentless heat of a still, hot day......................... perfect conditions for me.

    But I'm at the point where my steroid shot is wearing off & next one not due 'til Sept., so joints are painful after showering & resting at night.

    Still, after reading Recovering H's post the other day about the satisfaction of finishing tasks and how that boosts our Serotonin levels, I did actually notice quite a euphoric feeling last night, after 3 days of hard graft !

    If you're struggling with colours and you're feeling exasperated with your work, please put it out of sight & mind 'til tomorrow. Chances are you'll take a fresh look tomorrow and it'll all fall nicely into place ; I hope so m'dear ! Go make a cuppa and watch something distracting on your nature channel ; time to wind down maybe ?? Love Cat xx

  • Hello Cat, Jules here

    You may be asleep, so this is for tomorrow :

    Winding down bit now, just chatting helps doesn't it.

    I think i just go through a real down part in some kind of pattern each time. At least i recognize it now most of the time.

    I read posts from others who have just joined and its quite striking how much everyones problems mirror everyone elses, just everyone is at a different stage. It all feels strange and new (and sometimes frightening) to yourself, but others reading my posts must also think that, bit of a friendly been there got the t shirt thing. But, the lovely way everyone jumps in with posts of support to whoever needs it with whatever problem is heartwarming (and very 'family' like behaviour/almost protective).

    Nothing but praise for you and others on this forum Cat.

    Hope you are having a good sleep - chat soon.




  • I'm just shutting down now Jules but thought I'd say Goodnight to you. Hope you're off to bed now too & that you'll sleep well. See you tomorrow m'dear !

    Love & hugs, Cat xx

  • Hi Jules,

    Silly me, when I saw the title of your post 'Flat' I thought you were about to announce that you were moving to a new flat ! Flat mood, right I'm with it now : ) So what can we do about it when we are in a flat mood ? To be honest I don't know. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing anything ( even though the chores are piling up, getting on my nerves, around me )and that's okay with me these days actually. ( The former me would have felt extremely guilty for such unproductive behaviour ) I do allow myself the luxury of lolling about, watching TV or messing on the computer, often ending up on youtube watching cute animals/ strange events, whatever tangent my mind goes off at. It's good to relax, especially with your own blessing ! : )

    I would like a clean house but find it impossible, both physically and mentally to keep up with. Priorities are pets, eating, laundry. All else gets done in fits and starts so it is deep cleaned in various places at different times ! I do find cleaning my own place utterly tedious, although loved my cleaning job and was proud to do a good job for others - just not the same incentive when it's my own/family's mess ! If I'm honest, I turn a blind eye to the mess in favour of far more rewarding gardening, dogwalking etc quite often ! ( Housework anarchist ! )

    I have been watching the Olympics a bit - loved the gymnastics tonight : ) x

  • I wish i could do just that angelite, I am thinking of trying it.

    Does it mean no projects either ?



  • It's whatever you want it to be, Jules. It's about giving yourself permission to take time off from all the ' I should really be doing that' stuff for a change. Giving your brain a break from the whole 'I am not worthy/ I'm being selfish if I do something I want, instead of what I am expected to do' self imposed rule. We often box ourselves in, desperately trying to do what is expected of us by others, forgetting that we need time and space for ourselves too. If you fancy doing a project then go for it, if not, do whatever takes your fancy : watch rubbish TV, eat ice cream, surf youtube, go for a late walk ( in a safe area, with a doggy friend if you have one ! ) It's your 'time off' and you can do as you wish. I hereby grant permission for you to grant yourself permission for the night off !

    I find it hard to sit still quite often, even though I'm too tired to do anything useful. I pop outside into my greenhouse on a nice night ( it's used like a mini conservatory ) and sit in my rocking chair, peacefully rocking and resting/thinking or just observing/listening to the sounds of nature at night, my dog on her cushion next to me : ) Somrtimes I'll take my music with me, mostly I just enjoy the peace. On a quiet night, you can even hear the slugs and snails eating my garden plants ! I wonder if you have tried making a sanctuary for yourself, a special peaceful place you can go to, Jules ? x

  • Hello Angelite

    I do have a sanctuary, at the moment its my shower, warm enclosed and a lockable door. Spend a lot of time in there. But hes knocking down an old shed in the garden (a tiny one) and i have asked to have it. I have designs on it but not sure how he will feel about me having it in the house. Now you think im crazy dont you ! I was going to paint it like an old beach hut....

    Anyway, its oddly comforting for someone else to give you permission to take the day off from 'yourself'. I will remind myself of that tomorrow - or later, doesnt look like im going to sleep for a while.

    speak again soon, and thank you Angelite.




  • You know Jules I know just where you are coming from. I've never been a great lover of housework, always seen it as a necessary evil. But since my BI all I can think of is that's all I'm good for. And not particularly good at that. My sight problems mean I have to look very hard to see what may need cleaning.

    An example is I'd got on my hands and knees to clean the kitchen floor, it's the only way I can see it well enough to clean it properly. Then I noticed the cupboard doors, front of the dishwasher and fridge all needed cleaning too!

    I often say it's all I'm good for now, loading and unloading the dish washer and the washing machine. I can't even carry the washing downstairs, I have to throw it! I can iron but only about 10 items before I need a rest, so it takes all day, as does mowing the lawn.

    This is what people don't see, yes I'm lucky to be here, but the quality of life could be better.

    Where is the hardworking mum I used to be?, inside shouting to get out that's where.

    Take care Janet x

  • Hello Janet

    I do that as well, not that i cant see the floor properly, but its the easiest way for me to clean it properly with the way my back is. and like you once i look up i notice the cupboards and then that leads to something else then something else before i know it i am in a right state. and why ? its just cleaning, it will need to be done again in 24 hours or less.

    I suppose at the moment take that away and i would vegetate watching walls like some type of wild woman. Best leave alone !

    Its such a waste to fill my days without meaning when others would value a life.

    I will give myself a swipe across the head and wake up one day.

    Thank you for chatting, you and others on headway have helped me, thank you.



  • I'm a great project lover I've just started a new one, a medium I've not done in ages, tapestry, love it, so that is taking priority at the mo.

    I've had to employ my nephew and his wife to come and help me once a month, the garden has been getting priority while the weather is fine, they can move on to the house when the weather turns. Well worth it, it has helped my mood a lot. I'm still frustrated but I know that when we get through this year everywhere will look a lot better.

    Add knitting, crocheting, paint by numbers, jigsaws. Jewellery making, reading, watching tv as well as the things I'd like to do, I used to do lacemaking, I'd love to resurrect that motor skills permitting. I'm sure I can think of other projects too. The fatigue gets to me though and I often end up puzzle book in hand, or just sitting quietly.

    Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

    Janet x

  • Hi Jules, hope you had a good nights rest. You know I am so glad that you say it, the way it is (warts and all) because you open up much needed conversations about the frustrations, barriers and the ongoing fatigue that we endure. Before I discovered this community, I had fallen into 'that pattern' of weeping most nights. It always snuck up on me when sitting quietly after doing the dishes and thinking about if only ...... the combination of being alone, the darkness of night time and fatigue were the perfect ingredients for sadness. SInce joining this 'cyberspace' community, I have learned to reduce my moments of sadness and am slowly gaining self acceptance instead of trying to force myself to do things that can wait. I miss not working as I had to give it up five years ago after trying to manage it for four years post bi as I was becoming unwell again. Remind yourself that you have managed to retain your employment, albeit in a less demanding role. Your employer of 26 years obviously values you. Chin up ol'girl! Claire xx

  • Hi Clara, Jules here.

    Nice to hear from you.

    I haavent been n the my computer for a while because my office at home is being moved around. Its unnerving things being moved but he eventually got around to doing some improvements to my shower. It will be worth it.

    Recently nearly every day now i am picking up on things about myself i hadnt notice before. I wear 2 types of head phone at once when i am working for reasons like everyone on this site but because i have a 'make do' desk in the living room for a short while during the time he does the shower room (which links to my proper office so i cant use my normal place where i work). Sorry back to the point, while sitting with my headphones on i realised how much the TV distracts me. I am laughing to myself at the minutes because i wear glasses as i need them to read, earphones to block out noise - now i need to go on ebay and buy a pair of those black leather horse blinkers (like they used to wear down the mines) so i cant see things other than work. Would be easier then for me just to put my head in a cardboard box sellotaped to my lap top !

    Seriously thou - I hadnt thought about how much my brain might be distrated visually. If it does have an influence on me then might have my my office redecorated with 'none stimulating' stuff. At the minute i have stuff around me that i find intersting or projects i am working on (creative).

    Will let you know what happens.

    It took me 4 years too at work. I returned very quickly as i was worried about my work, i didnt know why everyone was making such a fuss - it was just a crash. Sad thing is it must have been very difficult for them because i had been 'their boss' for so long, nobody said a word about my work, not for a long time. Me myself thou, i saw a slow death as time passed and was caught between my absolute need to keep working their to not being up to the job anymore and making 'harmful' decisions that might effect the charity long-term. I hoped i suppose i would get better with the right help.

    The right help took 2 - 3 years to arrive, but at least i am now getting it.

    Sorry for long post, had to gtell you my discovery about visual distraction v sound.

    Do you or anybody else here on the forum have problems with both and what do they know or do about it ?

    Kind regards



  • Hi Jules,

    We all have down days and its those that we have to try and pick ourselves up from and get going again. Remember its only one day and tomorrow is another new one. Take care. Nick Xx

  • Thank you MX Man (its Nik isnt it ?)

    Started to feel better by this afternoon, i am a bit on the angry for no reason bit, but ignoring it and enjoying chatting to you people instead of braking anything !

    Hope you are ok today



  • Yes its Nick Jules. Yes no day is the same for me either.

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