To Destroy or not to destroy

[Julesgettingthere]

Hi.

The word Hi has taken me 5 minutes to type - not sure I will be much company to any of my forum friends tonight, but being selfish, wanted to talk to someone anyway.

Anyone around ?

Love

Jules

x

[daveeb]

There's always someone about who you can have a natter with. Particularly if you have something on your mind that you need to get rid of. So what's getting to you. X PS. You're early tonight.

[cat3]

Hi Jules. You're still struggling then m'dear ? xx

[Julesgettingthere in reply to cat3]

Hello there dear Cat,

Yes, feeling better today, started to pick up this evening.

Thank you for 'catching me' and pulling me back up. Your words make sense to me.

I have re read what you have posted to me recently, in a calmer head and made a few decisions to myself.

At the appointment on Monday I think I will ask to start talking about it, rather than waiting to go in and see the dentist and squirm out of it. Which I will. My head will go in the sand.

I know he has said he is concerned as to how I am going to react when we do. Talks about making sure I have a safe place in my head before we do. Maybe he thinks I don't have that yet, im not sure if I do either to me truthful.

I think what triggered it with one thing was your use of the word 'dismantle' it.

I can associate with the word because as you know I dismantle, destroy, at lot of things, in my endeavours to 'improve' things with my projects.

I aj going to focus on dismantling whatever monster is there.

I hope I go through with it.

How are things with you Cat, I know you feel a lot of pain sometimes - did you get that steroid yet ?

Jules

PS:

Isnt our Mr Baron funny with his little footnotes at the bottom of his posts ... I see a couple of others have started a trend with it.

I love that idea ... so heres mine:

Kind regards

duck bill batter mouse

x

[cat3 in reply to Julesgettingthere]

It's just lovely seeing you showing signs of defiance Jules. We often talk on the forum of the problems caused by anger issues after a BI, but BI apart, anger can be a very useful emotion ; a valuable tool.

Timidity can be paralysing and, sometimes, important issues require a massive shift of attitude to overcome our biggest obstacle...............fear.

And if you can muster an attitude of :- 'I've had enough of being trapped, and I'm b***dy well going to take charge today and get control of my emotions, and my life !', then anger will be a useful ally.

And prepare yourself for any emotional backlash, and face that with the same bloody-mindedness, in the knowledge that you've begun a very valuable process which can restore your quality of life.

With such defiance, alongside lots of care and rest, you can get there m'love ; you really can !!

And keep remembering ............we love you Jules. Cat xxx

[cat3 in reply to cat3]

PS I had my steroid shot thanks Jules ; it takes a few days to kick in. xx

Oh and....................Duck bill batter mouse ??? xx

[Julesgettingthere in reply to cat3]

cant spell the name of the real animal will a leathery bill !

makes me laugh, so aiding in reduction of wrinkles.

x

[cat3 in reply to Julesgettingthere]

If you're meaning the duckbill platypus It's my absolute favourite creature ; they're just the most fantastically quirky animals ever and one of the few mammals which lays eggs.

Keep smiling Jules, it really suits you !! xxx

[angelite]

Jules Hi !

Bless you , it sounds like you are not doing so well. I know how much I struggled on my relapse with typing. Selfish is not a word I would ever associate with you. Angela x

[Candace8]

Evening julels. What's up babes,,,, spill the beans. We want to be here get it off ya chest. No good keeping it inside, it will eat you xx

[Julesgettingthere in reply to Candace8]

Oh Candy,

Just having a bit of a reality check i think.

Feel like i am stuck in a big jar of treacle trying to get out.

Jumping from so sad to destroy everything around me.

This is not who i am.

Better tomorrow.

How are you sweetheart ?

Jules

x

[Candace8 in reply to Julesgettingthere]

It's a blip Hun , that's all a big blip. Keep telling yourself that, it will pass I promise. You know I have them and ask you for help when it happens. Let your mind go doo lally for a bit but just remember it is just your brain having a mad moment. Look at it as a sulky brain, it's in a mood. Keep reminding yourself Hun. A blip, a tantrum , a mood ect it's just your brain sulking, a blip, remember. Tomorrow it will shut it , luv ya xx

[Julesgettingthere]

Hell Davee,Cat and Angelite,

I have realised again today that everything about who I was has been taken.

So very sad tonight.

My mum says where she lives it is Tobaski (spell ?) she lives inGambia. It humbled me to think of the animals but there is nothing I can do to change things.

Cant change what I am now either but I wonder does it really matter anyway. Maybe life and pain are all just figments of the brain.

What a waste I have made of my life.

Just low tonight my friends - life was given to me free, I should be happy right ?

I am no longer frightened about passing away, its o. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take my own life, but if I am here or if I am not doesn't seem to have such ridged lines anymore.

Does anyone have the answer, or do we all feel that way deep down ?

Jules

x

[Candace8 in reply to Julesgettingthere]

Oh jules just read that. We do all feel the same way when down. You know I do. We all ask for help and ask the question why, why, why. Just keep you head above water , we all have this time very often. Please remember you are not alone and on here we very often do have these times,,,, they do pass till the next time xx

[angelite in reply to Julesgettingthere]

Good morning Jules,

I don't feel you have made a waste of your life. It may not be the standard that you were expecting but then you didn't get a choice about BI, just like none of us did. So we are left to do the best we can with what we are left with. Not easy at times, I know !

Regarding therapy, the accident was real, it did happen and that is okay. It was scary and horrible 'in the moment' but is over now. You need to be able to look back and say 'Well that sucked and it left me in a mess but it is in the past now. I can't go back and change it so I'm left with 2 choices - stand still ( which may feel safer but doesn't get you places ) or move forwards. The first steps are always the hardest but once you start walking, you may look back after a while and be pleasantly surprised about how far you've come : )

Hope you are feeling a little better today,

Angela x

[Julesgettingthere]

Oh Candy, thank you so much - that makes sense to me.

I will hold on and tomorrow my brain will be in a better mood... a big blip.

Thank you once again babe

Jules

x

[cat3]

OK Jules, not so long ago you weren't able to think about, let alone talk about, your accident and now I can only assume your therapist is coaxing you to do just that.

This is an important stage in therapy ; where all kinds of buried emotions are unearthed bringing about confusion, fear and depression. It's like bereavement. We have to push on through all those different levels of realisation and discovery to reach an eventual position of strength and control.

You will get there Jules. It's about belief in yourself, and trust in the process of counselling, where all your darkest and most fearful thoughts & ideas are brought from within you into the light..................where they cease to have power. ( I often equate it to vomiting ; we find it abhorrent & do all we can to avoid it, but oh, the relief afterwards ! ).

Be thinking of you m'love. xxx

[Julesgettingthere in reply to cat3]

Hi there Cat

I dont 'think' about the therapy much, not directly, in between sessions. I feel sick when i am on my way to an appointment.

I have had quite a few sessions now and know where they are heading. The doctor said a few sessions ago we are nearing talking about it.

I have an appointment on Monday - i think thats when its oing to happen.

Oh god Cat, what if it becomes real ?

Jules

x

[cat3 in reply to Julesgettingthere]

You need it to become real Jules. Only when you can SEE what you're dealing with will you be able to weigh it up from all angles and start dismantling it.

I like to compare these buried demons to vampires. Leave them alone and they will wreak havoc and misery. Bring them out into the light and they will frazzle & die.

Get rid of those demons Jules with patience and courage in the knowledge that your reward will be freedom ...................... and control over the rest of your life.

Night night m'love ! xx

[Hidden]

Oh Jules, I do hope things are better for you today. It's just a blip, it won't last. Grit your teeth and don't let it destroy you, you are better than that. The 'new you' seems a pretty kind, caring person to me. You may not be who you were before the bi but you seem a very good person. When anyone here has a problem, you are always ready with help.

Just hang on in there, it will get better and you have your mum's visit to look forward to. The counselling may be difficult, but things WILL improve.

Thinking of you.

Jan xx

[daveeb]

OMG Jules I know you said you had a downer last night, but don't let those awful thoughts into your head, they'll only eat you up. (and then who we going to talk to? ). You take care, keep thinking about those animals and all good things and hopefully you'll get there in the end. xx Dave

[cat3]

How are you feeling today Jules ? I hope there's an element of 'late night overthinking' going on with you, and that the lovely blue sky we have here today in NW is with you too, and maybe lightening your thoughts ?? I hope so.

We'll always be here for you m'dear. xxx

[Hidden]

Hi Jules, hope you managed to get some sleep last night. Gosh, your pain is palpable.... and I am at a loss as to what to say really. Except that this feeling will pass, when you are ready. And you are definately not selfish. You are very caring and thoughtful. Remember today is a new day. Lots of hugs. Claire xx

[inney]

Hope you found someone/something to help. It's comforting and frustrating to know that tomorrow will be so different x