family that don't give a s..t

[irishrose48]

well am feeling sad for my so called family we have 7 kids 6 boys 1 girl all grown up when scott was in hospital after his RTA I had to ask my kids to take me up to see him as I am in Skegness and he was in hull and unless I wanted to do a 4 hour train jurney twice a day there was no way of me getting up there .one the day of the rta the police took to me my son so he could take me up to hull ,he said no I got to work so my other sons friend took me up and it cost me £40 in petrol yet again I asked my lad to take me up he said got to work so chris his boyfriend took me up another £20 plus car parking this continued to the day before scott come out .bless my daughter she did a epic jurney from notttingham to Skegness to hull and didnt ask for a penny ,the day before he came out my lad Thomas decided to go up and see his dad .we had a talk about things like how we going to cope when he is at home that was not a concern of mine as I am a qualified care worker ,couse we live out in the sticks with no bus route I was worried about getting food in and managing with money till esa kicked in ,my son said don't worry mum we will all help ,and quess what nothing since he has been home I feel we are prisoners in our own home due to the fact scott can not drive we have to shop on line which is expensive as we carnt get to pound land or home bargains and other cheap places like that to make our money go further as living one £114 a week is not good ,so sum up its just been me and my hubby am trying to sort everthing out and to tell you the truth am not coping at all with doing it all myself I now feel very down I cry a lot ,I try tell my kids and all I get is man up or deal with it ,I now find myself not wanting to have a lot to do with any of them ,but not just them people too ,I feel myself slipping in to a hole that I really don't want to go down that road again ,so what do I say about family ? not a lot couse at end of day its just me and scott

[RecoveringH]

Yesterday I had a difficult emotional moment. I took 2 5HTP before bed - helps to form dopamine in the brain which gives more opportunity for happy feelings to occur. I am good today and had a long deep restful sleep, much needed. Sometimes when things get too much, I write in my diary, then go for a walk, then head for my bed. Things somehow seem brighter next day. Take care of yourself, you only have one body! Headway helpline is always there if you need some advice. x

[Hidden]

It sounds like you are very depressed. I think you should go to see your doctor and tell him how you are feeling. It won't solve any of your problems but it may help you to deal with them better. You could also contact the local mental health team and see if they can help, maybe you qualify for practical help or some respite care. If you don't ask you won't find out. I found the mental health team so helpful. I also think that boys are nowhere near as useful as girls when it comes to helping out the family.

Good luck, hope it works out.

[Molly15]

Morning Rose

I can so sympathise with you. It is nearly 4 years since my husband's SAH and stroke, and every single friend and family member on his side, have virtually disappeared from his life. I get no help from anyone that was supposedly his nearest and dearest. He has 2 sons, one of which has written him off entirely, and the other can only ever "fit him in" every couple of months, and then for no more than a few hours.

If it were not for my own family and friends, I would have "gone under" months ago.

I hear this over and over again, and still it shocks me that anyone can abandon a human being in this way.

In my opinion it is sheer selfishness and an inability to understand or even try to understand just what brain injured sufferers and their carers have to live with.

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. At least we live in a good area (Leicestershire) with good facilities around us, although some have such long waiting lists it is disgraceful. We are on the waiting list for a specialist neuropsychologist and it is 13 months long!!

My husband spent 5 months in Hull Royal / Castle Hill and the care there was second to none, but once he was eventually discharged, we were on our own, hence the move down to where we are now, nearer to my family.

You are lucky in a way to have experience of being a carer, it is not something I have ever wanted to do, and I find it extremely difficult to cope with my husband's moods and emotions, and our marriage is in tatters as a result.

Sending you all good wishes, at least we know we are not alone, but none of that helps as you say, when you are feeling completely alone, crying your eyes out and feeling desperate.

Molly xx

[TaIaV]

Dear Irish Rose,

I am so sorry that you have experienced this. The stress, the practical challenges and, most of all, the feeling of being abandoned by the children for whom you did so much. I can only begin to imagine how you feel.

The suggestions from others of reaching out for help for yourself and for potential referrals to organizations that can provide some services are very good. Especially since you are remote. I will venture to suggest one more thing. You might try writing two letters. One to your sons and daughters and one to your husband. In each case you would lay out briefly and dispassionately what your situation is and what you would like from them. I recommend writing because it takes out tone and assumptions and emotion on both sides that can undermine verbal communication. In the one to your children, for example,you might express that:

- You realize that the brunt of the caregiving will fall on you and that you are prepared for that,

- Not surprisingly, that is stressful and emotionally taxing.

- You recognize that they want to be supportive but have many demands on them from their own lives

- because of that and because this is a new situation, as a family, it is good to be specific about what is needed and what can be done, now and over time

- right now, procuring food and other provisions has become an unexpectedly large additional issue and source of stress

- You would appreciate their help in that area

- You love them and ask that they recognize that you may be tense at times with them but that that is a reflection of the extraordinary situation, so please not to take it personally.

Sometimes a communication like this gets past people's defense mechanisms. I hate to see you feeling abandoned and giving up on your family as a source of support. Maybe they just need a reset of this kind to get past their own stresses about this situation.

Best wishes to your husband and to you in getting the external help you need.

[MXman]

Hi Rose,

I too am sorry to hear of your problems here and my prayers are with you. As exhausted housewife as suggested get to your GP for help if you need it and speak to Headway. It so so difficult with family and I'm having my own issues with my own. Hang in there and do try and be positive. Nick Xx

[malalatete]

Hi Rose

Another yellowbelly!! 👋 from Lincoln!

Now I know you are local I can perhaps be more help.

For getting out and about - have you and Scott been able to get a bus pass? Look online at lincolnshire.gov.uk to check if you are eligible. Unlike the blue badge it is free.

Once you have one you get free bus travel and in Lincs that means you can register for Callconnect - the bus that comes to fetch you. Again the details for this can be found at the County Council website or by googling callconnect bus. I used to live in a rural hamlet of 12 houses before we moved here and used to book it for anything from getting to the train station for hospital appointments to going shopping. I even took the boys to Tattershall Castle using Callconnect a couple of summers back.

As you are in East Lindsey area there is a new project cslled TED (talk eat drink) - aimed at helping those over 50 or with health probkems feel less vulnerable or isolated. The next TED tea in Skeg is 23rd August. Look at tedineastlindsey.co.uk for more info.

And on the shopping front - put ' everyday value' into the search box on Tesco online. You will find it brings up a long list with all sorts of stuff - you can virtually do a whole weekly shop with it (I had to for about 6 weeks earlier in the year when things got ridiculously tight and I only had £30/week for food). It will beat Poundland prices hands down.

Hope it helps - if I spot any other local snippets I will let you know.

[irishrose48]

Hi malika thanks for the info I have been putting everyday stuff in lol but I will not have everyday sausages they god damm awfull lol yes am classed as a yellow belly a I been here 6 years not my home time is nottingham x