memory loss

Advice please! I am new to this but already reading some of the posts it has helped.

My husband is paraplegic following a RTA six years ago. He had a brain injury as well but thank God it isn't as bad as we were told it was going to be. However he is on medication for depression and with that he forgets more things. He doesn't admit he has a brain injury at all and all the things he forgets somehow end up being my fault! I don't accept that but am too scared to say anything in case he blows. He only wants the best for me and can't seem to help himself. Any advice please?

10 Replies

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  • Welcome. Sorry but I don't really have any advice! But I wanted to be friendly and say hello :)

    I'm sure some of the others who have more experience (only 6 months post ABI for me) will give you some ideas to try.

    Deep breaths, patience and time for your self is all I can suggest.

  • Thank you. I have been doing that for six years and I am pretty good at looking after myself. My husband is mostly independant when we are at home....it's just not much of a relationship presently. It's not his fault. It does help to know there are people out there who understand.

  • Hi Hannah. I am three years post BI . Do you have any professional involvement, I.e. neuropsychologist or Headway support? it must be very hard for you to talk about BI if your husband is in denial he has a BI, and to receive help to you both to move on in a positive way and communicate the difficulties of memory loss etc. In my case my neuropsychologist helped me to understand frustration and anger issues, and helped my partner to understand why, and gave us strategies to minimise my issues.

    I would recommend speaking to headway and talk of your difficulties and they can support you at first. perhaps Headway talking to him may help, or seek a neuropsychologist, even if your husband will not engage you will feel stronger having background support. Hope this helps x

  • Hi and thank you for your reply. No, no professional involvement now. My husband is mostly independant and the BI is minimal usually and he does well remembering things by writing them down and keeping lists etc. It was just illness over the summer seems to have affected him so that he forgets more now and is less understanding of others. He is a really good guy but he doesn't accept he has any BI at all and so it is hard to make anything better. He gets angry if I suggest he has any BI at all. We do occasionally see a Counsellor and she offers ideas to help deal with angry feelings (his not mine) but he seems determined to shove the anger down and then it turns to depression. Strategies would be helpful but they only work if people use them. I feel so disloyal talking about him but I hope people here will understand I love him and want to stay married but am not sure how to do it! I am sure it is much worse for him but it needs to be acknowledged that it is hard for familes too. Thank you for your kindness.

  • Hello Hannah. I was brain injured 1967 - left lobe. My recovery took years although a decent recovery was underway in the first five years. Apart from a total change of personality and libido problems I suffered with gross depression. My memory was also very poor and my tempers legend.

    Be assured that apart from personality these things do change and become less problematical. My dear late Mum cared for me - she did a good job - and never backed down when I was in one of my temper driven rages. I blamed her for most of the disasters that befell me but eventually that changed too as I realised the stupidity of my behaviour and ultimate blame placed upon her. Concerning memory a notebook is a useful tool.

    Hope of use to you and that your husband makes a good and steady recovery.

  • Thank you. You sound very understanding. Can I ask what you meant by saying your Mum never backed down?

  • Hello Hannah.

    In answer to your question; the first few years were very disappointing and I couldn't hold a job down and my self - esteem was non-existant.

    I was very prone to going into rages; I never saw anyone elses' point and when I lost it the only person who stood up to me was my dear old Mum. She had sought advice [such as was available in 1967/68] and our GP advised her to stand her ground whatever. With other persons I had a violent nature - how I stayed out of trouble I'll never know - but I never went that far with Mum.

    I know that I was ill at the time but I did and said things I cannot ever come to terms with and which I now totally regret.

    The good thing is that 47 years on things are obviously so much better; wife, children, own home and excellent job.

    If it helps I remember regularly the skill of the surgeon and how lucky I am to have made the recovery I have. I have met others whose TBI was less that mine and whose recovery has not been as complete. I have never declared the TBI or resultant epilepsy to employers - used to be such disclosures meant no job - people are scared of such illnesses - but now I don't give a damn.

    I used to wear my hair long to cover the rather impressive scar that goes mid-forhead to behind my left ear but now its a number 2 all over.

    One has to move with the times [and its cheaper too].

    Good luck to you and yours ..... give Headway a go.

  • Thank you. Well done to your Mum. It must have been incredibly hard for you all.

    I am not sure what Headway does for people like me

    . I once applied for a job in one of their centres....didn't get it....but the BI my husband has is nowhere near as bad as that of the people I met there. Would Headway still give advice to me? My husband's problem seems mild compared to some people but it still affects us and just some more understandng of it would help.

  • Contact Headway they can help .

  • Hi, I'm new to here but am wondering if your husband has managed to see a neuropsychologist. My son had to see one recently.

    I spoke to the neuropsychologist too and found it quite upsetting, I felt disloyal. It was so interesting because lots of things that I thought weren't relevant actually were very relevant and are a result of the haemorrhage. It helped my son and I to understand his abilities and difficulties and we haven't even got the report yet!

    The good thing that came out of it was that my son and I spoke honestly and listened to each other properly, I think we'd been in denial because everything looked ok on the surface. This is 3.5 years after he was ill!

    I felt so upset, it brought everything back to me. I needed desperately to talk to someone and that's why I've ended up contributing here and learning from what people have to say.

    I hope you have moved forward and that you have received some help. It affects the whole family, not just the person who had the injury.

    Take care

    Alice

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