World's apart

I'm not sure how much longer i can cope with the mixed feelings I'm having these last few months especially. 😢

Although mark is doing well physically. He's back at work 2 days a week and has accomplished his 18 holes of golf numerous times. I can't get past the fact he's totally different to the outside world than he is with me and our daughters.

He's obsessed with money to the point it's mean. I work full time and have to justify everything. I booked a spa day for me and my daughter for her birthday and he complained there was no money in the bank. I cried all night as it's not the only time. I only wanted something to look forward to.

I feel like I'm just here. I have no real friends and my confidence is at an all time low. He just doesn't notice me and i cannot live the rest of my life like this. Does he resent us? Because I've literally reached the end of the line. I can't keep giving and giving and getting nothing back it's gotme downfor long enough.

Then the guilt kicks in......its not his fault he fell from a ladder. But its not my fault either. He does not see any further than his own nose. I'm sorry if i sound horrible but i don't know how to cope. No one knows what goes on behind 4 walls. 😢

8 Replies

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  • Oh Debbie, I've been there so many times. I have reached the end of my tether and thought I couldn't go on. Have you had counselling? It is helping me to cope a bit better and I'd recommend it - even if just to talk things through with someone neutral. You may need to try a few sessions to get the right person for you, I couldn't manage with the first counsellor I saw but this one is great. Talk to your doctor and see if anything can be arranged and Headway also provide counselling. Try all options, get in touch with Adult Social Care and see if you can get a grant as a carer - if you can it is your money and you can spend it how you wish.

    Also, you need to make a life for yourself, join clubs and go on their outings. I try to keep myself busy as much as possible. Being in a fun environment outside the home is so good, it makes it easier to cope when you get back home. Do remember too, Mark is not himself now, hopefully he will continue improving but if not you need to find ways for you and the children to live your lives with the situation as it is now. You could also visit Relate - they have good experience with marriage problems. If you decide you need to have a break from Mark for the moment, they can advise you on finances, etc.

    Keep strong, I wish I could help you more - it has taken me a long time to learn how to live this life. The best thing to do is to make it a life for you and the children and Mark can either join in or not.

    Lots of hugs for you. Jan

  • Very good advice, I got my wife to do some further education courses two nights a week and now she is doing a full time degree. It gives her something for herself, meet people and get away from me. It also gives me some time by myself which can be a mixed blessing.

    Debbie, if you haven't watched it, take a look at the "recovery" with David Tennant his on screen wife has a very difficult time of things and their relationship hits the rocks but they restart it. It is quite harrowing to watch from both the injured and carers point of view.

  • It sounds like your wife has learned to cope with the situation in the same way as me. It is not the fault of the bi person but it is very hard to live with as the 'other half' of the family. Anything to give us a life outside helps with coping and gives us the patience to deal with things that could easily become a major problem. Where can I find the David Tennant film, I haven't come across that one before.

    Thanks

    Jan

  • She hasn't managed to cope at all. Last week we had our 32nd wedding anniversary and it is very fragile continuing on.

    Apparently, I am very different person now to whom I was before. She claims it is like living with a stranger on times.

    Before I had an extremely well paid job that meant we could live very comfortably and my wife didn't need to work. Now of course all that is gone and we have to struggle on the state system, which again causes more strife.

    As you have probably found sometimes even the smallest issues can cause major fireworks, they say it is good to let off steam and express your views but sometimes I don't think it helps.

    I think a lot of the problem lies from a lot of us with a head injury become almost fatalistic with the big picture - what has happened, has happened and this is the way things will be. Much to the frustration of partners and family. However, something as silly as leaving an empty carton on a worktop rather than the bin can cause a riot !

    It would be a wiser man than me, that can give you some answers - even the one I used to be couldn't help.

    The David Tennant film is on youtube youtube.com/results?search_...

    I would suggest watching it alone and respectfully I would suggest you take some tissues with you as some scenes you will find very painful and too close to home. Many of us have been deeply affected by the film

    All the best

    S

  • I've already watched the film last year. I have made an appointment to see gp but can't get seen until middle august so I'll see what happens. I do need to talk to someone x

  • The headway support team are always at the end of the line for you. At least they know the subject better than anyone.

  • Debbie

    Sorry to hear things are neither easy nor improving.

    Just reassure me, if you feel able, that by saying 'no-one knows what goes on behind 4 walls' you don't mean that you are at risk of harm? If you are, you must contact someone like Womens Aid and get some help to deal with that situation.

    Hopefully though things have not escalated to this, and getting an appointment with your gp is a starting point for accessing someone to talk to. If it feels too long away, go back to them and tell them how it is. Ring them when things are rough, rather than a couple of hours later when things are calmer, so they can hear the reality of the situation.

    And keep accessing the help and support that you do have - family, on here, Headway - and we will help you find a way through as best as we can.

    Take care and God bless xx

  • No he'd never harm me. Looks right through me at times like he doesn't know me but he'd not hurt me x

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