My partner is a daily shopper / spender (he loves the social aspect of shopping locally ) thankfully he loves charity shops and good food and not designer gear or costly gadget and tech. It's very important to him and me that he has control of his own money, (he as loss so much due to BI ) we are once again set are up standing orders to make sure the bills get paid but last month the standard orders ended without me realising. In six weeks all my partner income, savings as been spent on daily shopping with no bills being paid, no Xmas present bought and nothing to show for the money ) . I just can't work out where it as all gone. We're setting up new standing order for the year but Christmas is now really financially stressful for me.
I just want my partner to acknowledge that he as a spending problem so he can change his spending behaviour. He will acknowledge in the moment but then just forget and continue to engage in the same problematic spending patterns. I don't want to give him a daily cash allowance that feels so controlling and childish.
He buys multiple of things so we have 20 toilet roles and no milk ect
He shops daily and he overspends daily. He then goes into.his overdraft or saving to get to the end of the months. I'm generally good at budgeting and know that he could live within his means and we could have a family holiday if he budgeted carefully and didn't shop every day. He will reluctantly agree a plan but just forget the next day.
How do I support him without taking over his finances totally and giving him pocket money. How does he break the habit of daily spending. And how do you budget when you have memory problems. Our margins are tight so a daily over spend quickly adds up to major trouble and at Xmas it hurts. Any one found a system that works
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I have got my husband a CashPlus credit card which I load with a set amount. He can spend on what he likes but when he reaches the limit, it will not allow him to buy anything else until more money is loaded on. He has learned to make sure he doesn't get into a problem with it.. This might help.
I think that it's really important that I stay on more top of my partner spending. I need to set up a system for him that stops him over spending. The ideas given are really helpful.
Thanks
What were his spending habits before the BI? Similar or different?
He had his BI over 12 years ago. He ran a successful business and employed staff so was very good at managing money. He does have a system but it's only partially works and does not stop him over spending. He as luxury taste in food even though he is on benefit and going to the shops daily. I think daily shopping gives him many of the elements of his pre BI life. He goes out daily,meets people and feels that he can eat well and ironically has money.
I think my husband would benefit from reading this! I think for me (abi for 17 years) it’s an almost the thriving to be normal, no I can’t tell me friends I can’t afford to do lunch etc. My young boys ‘need’ this as it will help them. Yes I plan for future but take every day as you never know what will happen. We have a joint account which ONLY bills come out of, we don’t even know the pins for the cards for that account. Perhaps this may help to ensure things are paid, a separate account which always has enough funds in to cover bills? Hope this helps slightly, and hope you can have a chillaxing holiday xx
The advice and support given is so insightful and helpful Version 2. . I think I'v just been in panic mode as the issue is as much about me as my partner. I am usually okay with budgeting but sometimes like Christmas or just occasionally I just let it all goes out the window and have a bit of uncontrolled spending. I normally then take a deep breath and tighten my belt to get back on track. The difference that I have now is that im not single. I'very only been with my partner for 2 years and I'm just get my head round what having a BI partner means for me. It means I can't afford to have my own financially lapses on top of his BI budgeting issues. . So I think the issue is not only about finding a workable system for him. It's about me being better at managing money myself. In the long run that's a good thing but it means I have to change as well and in true I like my moments of irresponsible spending and then tight budgeting. He as to accept change no more daily spending and i have to stop letting my hair down financially unless it budgeted for. it's about change for both of us and I need to let him know that he needs to help me it's a two way process that really about our relationship.
I'm going to check that standing orders are set up today. Then re read this post after the Xmas and use it to develop a workable system. I will update here as I don't think our situation is unique.
No shopping today we have more food than we can eat did manage to get him to go to Aldi rather than M and S result A walk and Xmas day time movie.
There are bumps and some pretty high mountains which I hope we can work round or get over. Some of my friends have alcohol problems, debt issues,trust issues in their relationship and no BI. I don't think I would swop.
All relationship are unique and lots are complex. I know I will try to make mines work and I know my partner is trying when he remembers lol .
I do use this forum to help me you are all my support system in this relationship. Can say thanknow u enough.
BI is not just negative my partner is so affectionate. He makes me laugh everyday. Arguements are over so quickly because he can't remember what all the fuss was about he only remember the feelings and my upset so wants it sorted fast. His love is honest he can't do lies or pretend he such a open book unlike none BI individuals who can play games.
I see so many positive in BI partner and still do. BI does change everything and there are major challenges but some changes are for the better. So focus on the positive and go date.
Just wanted to say thanks for all the budgeting advice given last month when I was feeling panic because of my partners over spending. Just to give you update I discussed issue with my Partner and we're now doing a cash system, I'm doing a quick daily check of our daily spend,he is now using a pre drawn up shopping list. We're actually saving money and were welk within budget. Standing order set and just waring for preloaded cash card to arrive
I recently had to admit that my spending habits were out of control...I made a few financial decisions without telling anybody as it felt I could feel like I was more independent than I am, I guess. However, they were bad decisions and I found it really embarrassing when discussing it with my Dad that I was in tears. Pre head injury I would have always made sensible decisions where money is concerned and it’s tough knowing that it can’t always be that way now. I also have a pre payment card on the way and my Dad has helped to set up how much I can spend on none essentials. I’m only a week into my plan but it seems to be doing the trick. Glad to hear that the advice given by others has paid off for you and your partner
We all have to budget even the royals but post head injury it's even more important dealing with financial issues, accept change and help is a real sign of maturity. A budgeting system is not only helping my partner it also helps me. I think we'll be able save for a holiday now. ( exciting )
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