Oh dear

Hi everyone

Need to share with people who understand.

One lovely evening spent with family, ruined in the last half an hour by a stubborn grandson who didn't appreciate advice with his homework and an equally stubborn dad, my son, who has a BI following a SAH a few years ago!

Boy, how that atmosphere changed just like that and as the saying goes. 'it all ended on tears.'

I as usual struggle to be the peacemaker in the middle, did it work? No!

How can something escalate so quickly? I know, tiredness, misunderstandings, not being able to stop going on and on and on.

It's apparently all sorted now until the next time but it's upsetting and exhausting all round at the time.

Thanks for listening, just needed to share. Gonna have a cuppa now and comfort eat a huge M&S choux bun...

Night everyone xx

19 Replies

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  • Oh Alice how upsetting for you, yes we do understand, how things like can happen in a second and ruin in minutes!

    How are you now, are you Ok. I like the sound of the cuppa and choux bun - post me one please or send via the space station :-

    I lost my rag one day last year when a friend had taken me to local market nd I suddenly had other English people telling me what to do and for no apparent reason it all just got to me!

    I just wanted to go and look round the market stalls on my oŵn. I haven't driven again and don't think I will - I think I'd endanger others or my life now - so am dependant on others or a taxi to get me out.,I've decided I much prefer doing things like shopping under my own steam. The taxi takes me from home and I can phone for it to collect me again when I'm ready to go back. So yes arguments, confrontation, noise can be a bit of a no no for me, I'm best doing things on my own terms, if that makes sense.

    I do hope it will all blow over for you and your family soon - as you know - least said, soonest mended. But enjoy that choux bun and cuppa, virtual hug to you and wishing you a Happy new Year. Love Shirley x x x x

  • Thanks so much, Shirley, I always feel better after 'chatting' on here.

    It's all sorted and been talked about and laid to rest.

    I don't like confrontations and misunderstandings. I can see things from both sides but would rather things were sorted before they escalate but it doesn't work like that unfortunately. I'm for compromise but it's not like that either. So maybe next time I'll just take myself, cuppa and bun into a different room!

    There are a lot more misunderstandings, fatigue and overload since his SAH but any issue never lasts long thank goodness but it can be upsetting at the time.

    Night, night and thanks xx

  • Oh I'm sorry Alice ; you've been dealing with these explosive situations regularly haven't you.............and I don't suppose they get any easier.

    I hope you're now tucked up in bed asleep dreaming of harmony and choux buns galore ! :-/

    Love Cat xx

  • Thanks, Cat, always love hearing from you.

    Yep, fine now. It's what happens in all families, I'm sure, but seems a bit more intense now and can flare up so quickly.

    It all gets sorted out eventually but there's no rationality at the time.

    I always read the posts on here but usually only post when I'm feeling upset.

    From now on i am going to share the positives too and there are lot of them.

    We are a loving, supportive family who have our shares of ups and downs like everyone else but we are there for each other and don't let things fester.

    There are things on here I can share because we are 'anonymous' and one way or another have things in common and understand.

    It's not always easy to share with friends because although they care they don't always understand.

    You have a great day, talk soon and thanks again xx

  • Yes I j understand Alice, why you find it all so upsetting,,although we appear the same after a BI, sadly the brains neuro receptors and transmitters have changed through the 'injury' which is invisible except on an MRI, and it's like the messages or perceptions of situations are not being received and sent the way they used to before! The method has altered - is only way I can think of describing it .

    Like making a cake when you always used to mix the ingredients by hand - then hubby buys you an electric mixer, you still mix the same ingredients together in the same bowl but in a different way, a different method, but when cooked,,the cake mixed by hand may have been lighter or heavier than the mixer method - but you still have a cake at the end of it!

    Sorry not a very good descriptive comparison of why our personalities and tempers alter after brain damage! I just hope your grandson apologies to you, but it must also be hard on him, he's growing up, he's seen his dad change and perhaps somehow thinks that type of attitude and behaviour is ok, because it's what his dad is like now - you know, role model!

    Perhaps one day,,he might like to tell you how he feels, now and how it all has affected/upset him. You could both say how you feel, and a feeling of 'both (of you) being 'on the same side now' may also help you both in understanding and coming to terms with the 'new son/dad.

    As the one with the BI, for me the worst thing is the same words still go through my mind, I can still think and have know if I'm the same person or as before it. I know I'm not and that causes me a lot frustration. I have learnt to and accepted that the mind, although still in it, is a different part of my brain the two do not work in conjunction with each other as they used to.

    My mind is accepting of what has happened to me - There is no going back - we cannot change the past, but we can hopefully change the future and be better or same people we were before.

    I hope all does work out for you, your son and grandson, and anyone else affected by it..acceptance, friendship, love, patience and tolerance, are reserves we all have to call on now. Shirley xxx

  • Thanks, Shirley

    I understand completely what you are saying and you made a great comparison.

    My son and I understand to a certain degree the things he now finds difficult and we are able to talk about them.

    He does say what things are helpful to him and what he finds difficult so that is good.

    It's harder to explain to a child but we do our best.

    As I said to Cat, things never fester and get sorted when things have calmed down.

    Anyway, it's a new day today so hope you have a good one and thanks for your support xx

  • I try and stay positive so most, if not all, days are good days :-)

  • Hi Alice,

    I'm sorry to hear this but it can happen. I did a similar thing over Christmas but have learnt I need to take myself out of there situation and detach and act not react. Its difficult though as we don't want to let it go. I hope you have a fantastic Friday. Nick XX

  • Thanks, Nick

    I know we've spoken about this before.

    All sorted now and issues recognised and dealt with.

    My son will often just say he's leaving when things are getting difficult, we've talked about this and that's fine when it's with adults but not so easy when there is a child involved who doesn't really understand.

    As I said to Cat, I only post on here when I'm stressed which is a bit naughty of me.

    I need to post the good times too of which there are many.

    You have a good day too and thanks xx

  • Hi Alice

    I'm quite new to the site. Like Nick I will try and take myself away from situations that feel they are escalating. However, the times I don't manage to it is usually with those that are closest, mainly my husband.

    It's difficult when everything looks fine on the outside and I should imagine even more so when trying to make children understand.

    I'm glad it's all sorted now.

    Have a lovely day.

    Sue x

  • Thanks, Sue, that's why this site is so good, you get points of view from both sides.

    You have a lovely day too xx

  • i read this and groan, purely because i see it from the other side. im not saying that this is the same circumstances, but, my parents and relatives are a pain, if they just turned up and spent an hour over a cuppa ok. But people think they can come for the afternoon and suck the life out of three or four hours of mine in which i have to appear to be interested when really id rather be out my shed. my kids arent intrested in hearing how great the old days are and if i hear one more old story reapeated about some random person that i should remember, you know aunt bessies neighbour, i may cut my own head off. My time is precious as my life expectancy is low, despite the fact that i love these people i really dont want to spend time with them because that is what is expected, and im too polite to tell them so. if i was you id have a frank and honest discussion with your son and find out what he wants from you. ive already told my kids that in my later years they will only see me when they want to and for short periods. id rather be enjoyed rather than suffered.

  • Hi

    Thanks for your reply, as always there's 2 sides to every story and everyone is affected in one way or another.

    We do have frank and honest discussions and we also have disagreements and misunderstand each other.

    He has told me what I can do to help and we've discussed misunderstandings. It's normally after misunderstanding each other that we learn the most and hopefully move forwards.

    None of us are perfect and we can easily upset one another and be a pain but at the end of the day we care about each other and sometimes the people we hurt are the ones who are closest to us.

    Your parents and relatives spend time with you because they enjoy your company otherwise you'd never see them or they would only stay a short while. Maybe visit them instead of them visiting you then you can leave when you've had enough.

    My family visit me so they go when they're ready which is fine with me.

  • lol i apologise Alice, you caught me at a bad moment, you are obviously a well balanced family, unlike mine who are totally imbalanced. My mother is a paranoid delusional, but wont recognise it, my father is so much apart of the delusional behaviour he is in denial, my father in law is lovely but is a racisist masogenistic nightmare and very lonely, my mother in law is generous and nice but incredibly boring. Lol, we all have our faults, but they are driving me insane, so much so that next christmas i have booked to go abroad, and trust me when i say i really hate going abroad lol. So apologies again if i was a little harsh, i didnt mean to judge your situation based on mine. Just having a bit of a mare lol.

  • Hi Knifemaster

    Thankyou so much for your second reply. Don't worry about the first one, you say it like it is and I'm used to that! Yep, it was a bit harsh but I'm used to that too.

    I don't think we're a well balanced, we certainly have our ups and downs otherwise I wouldn't post on here at times. You obviously care too, otherwise you wouldn't have reposted on here.

    It sounds to me as though you can choose your friends but not your family, however no matter what they care about you.

    Going abroad for Christmas sounds great! Something to look forward to.

    You take care...

  • I can relate to what you are saying from the perspective of having a bi but also single parenting a now 10 yr old child (he was 5yrs when it happened). Our difficulties are frequent and likewise escalate quickly. Faults on both sides. Sadly I don't have another adult to step in, take over, help diffuse the situation or support, reassure or explain to my son. I feel so upset for him and guilty that my parenting is often naff and out of order. But I can't change what has happened to my brain! I use strategies to try and manage when things get fraught but often my son won't back off to enable the situation to calm down. I have books he has that I have read him and discussed with him to try and help him understand.

  • Hi

    Thanks for replying. It must be hard bringing up a 10 year old on your own with no-one to ease the pressure or help when you're tired or over stretched.

    I've read your posts before and know you're a great mum.

    It's not easy when you're pushed to the limits and your son doesn't back down, that's what happens here when neither my son or grandson back down, they are actually very alike although neither will admit it.

    A lot of the issues could be avoided and I can see it from both points of view.

    But at the end of the day there is a lot of love, support and security and that outweighs any outbursts.

    It's hard sometimes to focus on the positive and fun things that happen and remember instead the things that make us feel uncomfortable.

    My grandson has a great dad and your son has a great mum, everyone has blips at times normally with the ones they love the most.

    Have a fun weekend hopefully blip free, you take care xx

  • Hi Alice.

    Oh how I know what you mean. As a bi survivour I know what you mean.

    I know I blow up over daft things. I know I seem unreasonable....ok I am unreasonable. If people see black and white I will argue its grey.

    Knowing all this you would think I would stop doing it....I think I would but no matter how hard I try not to blow up, not to argue even if I am wrong alas I do.

    Why ...oh if only I had the answer. All I can say is it does ipset me and I wish it didnt happen .....but it does.

    Keep on keeping the peace .

    Pax

  • Thanks, Pax

    That really made me smile, you sound just like my son. We do laugh about it afterwards but at the time it's not so funny.

    You have a great weekend and don't get into any trouble! xx

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