Good morning everyone
I apologise in advance for this post as I'm in need of getting my emotions off my chest and definitely don't want to offend or upset anyone.
I feel.as though I have lost myself. I am my husbands carer (no personal care) and mum to our two small children. My exhaustion levels at maintaining this level of care are now reaching what feels to me their limit and I don't know what to do to help.
My husband is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart however the heartbreak of coming to terms with the fact that he is now a different person is overwhelming. We rarely speak he is angry a lot of the time and on the now very rare occasions that we have sex it is like having sex with a complete stranger who is quite rough with me it's like he is in a trance. One of the upsetting things is that to him everything is the same he still sees me the same as he always has yet to me everything is so different and I don't know how to deal with this as I do love him so very much and don't want to hurt or upset him.
We are 12 months in to the world of brain injury and in that time I have been in survival mode doing what needs to be done and trying my hardest to learn as much as I can to support my husband and children in this massive life change. For our children i think I have done quite well as they now seem to accept that daddy is different through lots of love and gentleness from me helping them know it's not their fault or daddies that he shouts and throws things , change of schools and play therapy. I have started seeing a counsellor however I'm finding every day so hard I feel as though I'm walking through treacle only just managing to get through each day. My wonderful husband is not aware of any of this although I have on occasion tried to talk to him about how hard I'm finding everything through no fault of his own he does not understand or have the capacity to offer any emotional support anymore.
How do I get through this time? I know it is still early days yet I'm not sure how to carry on without totally ruining myself in the process. I really do try my absolute hardest to be the person I need to be for everyone around me it's in my blood to be kind and caring but I don't know how to smile anymore.
I really don't want to anger anyone with my post so please don't think of me as a bad person for voicing my thoughts just don't know what to do anymore please be gentle with me