Let me start by saying that my partner is brilliant and I am hugely thankful that this recovery isn't happening when I was married as my ex could not remotely have coped with this plus the temptation to injure him would have been overwhelming! SO, I have always enjoyed all 17 years of our relationship, even when we have pretty small, rocky bits, which have always been resolved through calm discussion. There have been some pretty tough times over the years because of my health (something I was never bothered by when I was miserably married) and he has been an absolute rock. Despite those issues, we've also had an awful lot of fun. Therefore it really upsets me that even we are finding this incredibly difficult to cope with.
We don't live together by choice and the only family living within 200 miles is a single (not in a relationship) daughter in her 20s just starting her career, which I don't want to hamper (though I am feeling that she is being less than helpful these days). She was amazing in the first month despite just how frightened she was at what she was seeing happen to me. We have always been very close despite our capacity to seriously irritate each other so I'm finding it difficult to understand why she isn't offering to do some practical stuff once in a while - sort my e-mails maybe, a bit of ironing, making supper, take me shopping or for a coffee/glass of wine. And then I feel awful, like one of those women who think their daughters are meant to look after them, and then it all spirals out of control and I am now shocked at how alienated from her I can feel. She's struggling to accept that (and these are the words of others, paraphrased a lot) ' cool, inspiring, intelligent, friendly, accepting, embarrassing, irritating, kind' mum has disappeared. Whether or not she's disappeared permanently or is just off on a gap year, who knows? ...but the person who is here right now is nowhere near as nice as the one who used to be here.
My sons live too far away to be any practical help though I value their moral support.
His family are all dead so no support there.
My parents are too aged and no other family is in a position to offer practical help.
So because I struggle to get through every day without some kind of assistance, he has become my carer and we both hate it. We thought we could distinguish between being lovers and being carer/ee but I think that's probably not true. The qualities I love about him are what are tiring him out. They are also irritating the hell out of me - how do you express irritation with someone who is the best possible person you can have on your side? That's what I hate about all of this - the way it distorts everything. I want to talk it all through with him because that's what's always been such fun about our relationship but apparently I talk him into the ground. I've lost a level of social awareness or sensitivity. The logic of my own argument is ALWAYS reasonable, even when I can see that it's not.
And if this isn't over-sharing, has anybody else's libido changed? It's not gone, just changed but is it the bleed or all the drugs I'm taking? And does it really matter why or what; it just is.
I saw a bit on another post about not being able to stop yourself and I recognise that. I have been able to reduce it but it's no thanks to anyone else - we had to work it ourselves for the most part but I can't stop it. I also think that if I was him, I'd be packing my bags. I don't think I could stand being around me. There are times when what I see, when I look at myself, is a gobby teenager who's quite bright but lacking in common sense.
Does this ring any bells with anyone else or am I really just a bit of a prima-donna? I just feel very lonely because I barely see anyone apart from him. I've been upset by the number of people who have made no effort to keep in touch. Initially people were asked to keep their distance a bit. Work colleagues were asked to be restrained in terms of quantity of contact but 3 months on there are some upsetting gaps. A tiny handful of people have either seen me or txted me. Others just haven't bothered and that means I'm even more reliant on him, which is lovely but I hate the extent to which it is required. I want to be alone more but I know that going into the city to shop by myself for instance (which I'd quite like to do as I've put on half a stone) is beyond my capabilities. How does anyone else deal with this? I have been out on my own but I can panic, switch off or have to know that one half of the adventure involves help getting there or getting back. I read about the paranoia that some of you experience; at least I've not got that. There are so many difficult things that people are having to put up with on this site. I'm in awe of some people. How come all of this isn't more widely known because there's barely any of it that I knew before it happened to me.
Thank you to everyone who has made it possible for me to write all of this and if you've read it, I appreciate the time you took. I always thought that Mrs Do As You Would Be Done By seemed so much more sensible to emulate than Mrs Be Done By As You Did.