relationships

[Charlie90]

has anyone become estranged from their very close family ie: mum & dad& others following their brain injury

obviously it is well known that due to the damage/changes to our brains

we can become irritable and completely lose our filters I have definitely experienced both of these.

So much that so that my mum and drive me absolutely insane.

they are the most negative humans in the world

and are both emotionally manipulative and can gas light quite a lot

the benefits of speaking to my neuropsychologist every week has helped me recognise these behaviours.

I now am not afraid to challenge their behaviour

and will tell them exactly what I think if I feel their behaviour is unacceptable.

However in the past I would not of said anything just to keep the peace.

me and my sister have reflected and realised that they have both always been like this our whole lives.

they are my parents and I love them they give me a lot of support.

Does this mean I must tolerate this behaviour just because they support me?

but I am concerned that if we continue going down this path we will become estranged.

many tips or advice

my sister is about the only person I can tolerate these days and a few of my friends

But I’m concerned I am going to lose everyone!

Already lost a fiance

[Crazychickangel]

Hi charlie, i can totally relate to this.

I suffered a rare brain infection at the start of 2020 and nearly died. I missed my own wedding without evening knowing it in feb 20. My parents decided that supporting my sister (who i cant stand) through a pregnancy was more serious than me almost dying....mum actually said that outloud! After recoverying enough to get down the aisle (3rd attempt) my sister got induced on my wedding day so my mum might aswell have not been at the wedding.

We have 'had it out' with them a number of times which actually makes me quite ill now and they cannot see they have done anything wrong so i have now pretty much cut all ties. I havent spoken to my sister in 18 months. She even said i had isolated myself through the pandemic by falling ill. Yes i chose to have half of brain damaged.

I now have eplisey from the infection so cannot drive and i say to them ive had a seizure the stock response is sorry to hear that.

I do alot of work with the encephalitis society now and if i share stuff on facebook etc mum never comments or praises how far ive come its like they are in complete denial how poorly ive been and am.

Unfortunately this is not new behaviour with my parents but it baffles my husband, kids and close friends that they have no interest in understanding whats happened to me.

I get super angry super quick nnow and have no filter so have to keep my distance othereise i would be made out to be the one with the problem.

You have to do whats best for your sanity, and mental well being.

[Pairofboots]

Hi Charlie, our relationship with our parents potentially always has some problems between being a child and a growd up.

Most times the relationship evolves as we demonstrate that we have sound judgement, and can be responsible, although we always remain the child however old we become.

When we experience a life changing event, our parents step up to resume the parental role, and to a point we, for a time accept it.

We have to reestablish our former autonomy. This can be a challenge for both us and the parent.

If you feel that your parents overstep the mark, then we need to demonstrate that we are fit to retake the responsibility we once had.

You can't say nothing, and explaining may be difficult, but it is a natural process. Try to calmly explain how you feel things have moved forward, try to be none judgmental, and consider their view point.

I know we have done this all before, and we probably feel that our place in the relationship should automatically resume, but it rarely does.

The relationship has to go through rehab, just as we have had to. ☘

[DTBI]

Hi Charlie,

I appreciate your relationship challenges. I had a heavy TBI 8 yrs ago, but because I haven’t had a seizure in the last 4yrs people make assumptions I’m ‘back to normal’, which to certain degrees I can never be.

I have no parents anymore, but my wife and friends do unintentionally annoy and give me some stress, I don’t want or need. I in my second life worry about nothing, but am caused it be others!

When possible it is better to self isolate yourself as much as possible, stay in your bedroom, listen to music with headphones if poss, go to local Headway gatherings, etc. I fortunately have my driving licence, and can afford to get up to the Lake District for 3 nights for £78 on my own.

Good luck with protecting your own peace of mind x

[Leaf100]

Hi Charlie,

Yes I have a sister who doesn't want anything to do with me.

She is kind of still around in a sense because she phones to talk to our Mum who lives with

me now - but she does no actual practical things to help out.

Though she will speak if I answer the phone it is very short and brief. I used to try to get a

conversation going but I don't anymore - she phoned and did some weird things to make sure

I wouldn't want to talk to her and then pretended it was me - only thing she did not know

was I had the speaker phone on for all the calls and Mum heard it all.

It is very hard. It would be worse if you are dependent on them.

As hurtful as it is, I would explore the option of just not taking the bait. Talk it over with your

neuro psychicatrist because they know the situation best. They will also know coping

strategies. Sometimes I find I have to kind of be my own firewall - like what the ocmputer has

- some stuff I let in to process and other stuff I refuse to let in because it's destructive.

I have generally found with such people if you don't take the bait, they try harder for awhile

and then just give it up and there is a sort of peace for a bit - and then they circle round to it

again. But, the time inbetween tends to get longer and longer - they find other people to play

the drama games with who are more entertaining.

My Mum didn't know at first how bad it was because we only talked on the phone - she

couldln't come here on her own steam. Later she became ill and I eventually brought her

here. She is still functional for her personal needs but can't cook etc - I am rubbish at it but I

manage to keep us going. My sister did nothing to help her at all - caused some

major upset there as well.

Anyway, at some point you have to focus on your health, your progress, what helps you keep

even and has you feel ok.

People unfortunately do tend to go and you have to think of ways to connect in other places.

For example, there may be a local bi program of some sort in your area. There may be an

online group on fb for a hobby of some sort - say art, or watching farm animals, or whatever

floats your boat. If you can go out to do activities there may be an option or two there.

Best to talk to your neuro psych about coping strategies and dealing with difficult people.

Likely there is a way to do it with minimum confrontation. If people do support you in some

ways you may need to find a way of dealing with the negative stuff. Not everything has to be

worked out because some things can't be. There can be other ways to cope, though.

For some of us the answer is we do lose everybody, or just about everybody.

Sometimes it is better to be friends with people who only know you the way you are now,

and like the you of today, and who aren't always looking for the old you to show up again.

Yes, it is another loss. Yes, we will grieve. And we will also carry on and move through it.

Well have a bi sucks. This is another way it sucks.

It isn't easy and you will get through this, too.

sending you a hug

Leaf

[BeeYou22]

Hi Charlie... I can completely relate to your situation although I'm keeping my wrath and anger at bay until a proper neuro professional can take me through it safely. I have alienated all but two friends because people just don't understand how brain injury affects us and even then, we are all different.

I feel anger, frustration, sadness and pain trying to explain how I feel and why I feel that way but I have given up now and prefer to stay indoors, away from potential conflict. I know some would say that's not good but do you know what... I don't care any more. It's the most I can do to look after myself, let alone fuss around other people trying to get them to understand. It's just not worth my energy and I have very little energy because I am suffering from crippling fatigue.

Sorry if I sound a bit bitter and twisted but I am trying to keep my head above water and survive in my new post ABI world, like all of us here, I feel your frustration and pain.

Be gentle on yourself and do what's right for you and enquire about a Headway Brain Injury ID Card because it's an easy way to inform other people that this is all very real.

Take care x

[skydivesurvivor]

brother and sister, she runs a place dealing with brain injury too?!!

[Chat2U]

If you ask for any help Post TBI

a) They, and you, believe that you're indebted to them so it makes it difficult to challenge them when they're trying to force their opinions and decisions on you. 😪

b) If you disagree with them they can always pull out the brain injury card and tell you that it's you who is being unreasonable, post TBI you will find that it's never them!

It's almost like being in an abusive relationship.

I wish I had a solution. About 6 years ago I worked through this with a therapist then tried to talk to them about it. It took 2 years of hard work to get to the delicate state we are now where we function at a basic level as a family. The fallout was a nightmare. I wouldn't do it again.

TBI is isolation.

I'm working on finding a way to live with that now.



[Charlie90 in reply to Chat2U]

omg

Your explanation has completed hit the nail on the head.

I agree with the indebted to them comment.

I feel they always make me feel like a burden

For example using the darkest most undignified hours of my life

I feel like sometimes They use them against me

Eg: like everything I’ve done for you etc etc.

Completely right it is like being in abusive relationships

I never thought the closest people in my life would behave this way.

I suppose that’s the life of a BI

my plan is to strive for complete independence

so I won’t need any of them.

Life will be a struggle but it’s better than being treated this way by people that supposedly love you

[BeeYou22 in reply to Chat2U]

I agree completely even though I am alone now having fled a very abusive relationship and have nobody to care for me but it seems safer than being with someone who uses your BI as a weapon against you. It's mega tough and very isolating but my total lack of trust tells me I am better off this way. Sending you comforting vibes and remember to look after your feelings as much as possible. You matter... x