A Previous Life

[B_S_A]

I'm struggling.

It's tough at night when you think about what you used to have. I was doing well in my degree, I was setting up some things for after uni, I had my friends (still love em), I went to the gym, I played my piano. I had my life in order.

I'm young, my life hasn't really begun (or so I'm told), I've done some great things, and it was all picking up nicely for me. I'm not sure, it feels like my life has become a struggle from the time that I'm meant to starting, it's tough to watch your friends create lives for themselves while you have to worry about the next medication you're going to be on, or whether your surgery is going to work, or if your seizures are ever going to clear up.

I got away with it really, my heads pretty messed up, I get tired quickly, and my vision is shot on the right, but apart from that I'm all good, but that doesn't really console me. The prospect of another stroke drives me crazy, and developing epilepsy is the icing on the nightmare cake.

I know that doesn't do any good, and that you should just forget about it, but sometimes you just want to put your fist through a wall. It's just cruel random selection.

[Kirk5w7]

I do really empathise, life can be so cruel, I have said I!m glad this happened to me now( I'm 60) and not when I was younger, only because it's so difficult to get your head round the unfairness of it, but its hard at any age, we've all mapped our lives out, to have things change in an instant, the best we can do is see the best in every day and never give up, I've read some pretty inspirational stories, I hope mine ends up the same way, hang on in there, you know we're all here for you. Take care Janet

[HelenWillmetts]

I know exactly how you feel and feel the same. I feel I have lost everything. Like you I got off pretty easy really, just mobility issues and left arm completely paralysed. Cognitively I have not been affected dramatically, just a little loss of concentration and I get very tired very quickly. Everyone keeps telling me this is a fresh start which drives me crazy as it makes it sound like a good thing!! I'm relatively young as well, just doesn't feel fair does it?

Get in touch if you want to chat.

Helen x

[zoegunning]

I completely empathise! I am youngish (32) and got of lightly as you say! Just some vision problems & some issues with my memory and some weakness down my right side! Sometimes I feel left behind by my husband who is doing well in his career (I am happy for him) and I have 2 wonderful daughters! Try and have little goals or rewards such as doing something you enjoy, to look forward to, this helps me! Hope you feel more positive soon x

[B_S_A]

You are all of course correct.

But I hate the idea of compromising for something different when it wasn't my fault, so I'm trying hard to get back to it. But my body fights it, the spirit is willing and all that.

People say, "Oh but you're lucky to be alive!" or "The only thing you can do is move on", and I just want to knock them out (I'm not the fighting type, it's more of a metaphor). A good friend I know now; her parents died when she was 19. We were all sympathetic of course, but after about a year I remember thinking "Terrible things happen, but why would you let it get to you? There's no point in thinking about it, she should move on". She must have gone through absolute hell, what happened to me is different, but losing your parents at that age must just crush the life out of you. Friends are great, but nothing replaces parents. I'd always feel bad for her, but 20 minutes later I'd be thinking about what's for dinner. She probably went home and cried all night.

Another friend, from uni this time, was hit by a car last February and died as a result. Just like that. The world keeps on turning regardless, and people get on with it, her parents and very close friends are scarred for life, and everyone else just cracks on, completely oblivious and worry about stupid things all day. This is a good thing, the world can't stop for one person. I know that I wouldn't want anyone to know what it feels like to go through what I've been through, and that wouldn't change anything, but at the same time it's so difficult.

The problem is that it's my brain that's damaged, the very tool you use to get out of difficult ways of thinking, when that's broken, what are you supposed to do? Most of the time I'm pretty good at keeping this stuff under control, but it wears me down sometimes.

Hating it won't do anything I guess, but sometimes I really can't help it, it's nice to have a place to spill it out.

Thank you all for your support.

[cat3]

You've hit the nail squarely on the head with the brain/tool comment. It's a contradiction which makes me wild with frustration at times.

Long before I had the SAH, I suffered with severe depression and I always knew that the only lasting solution was to 'think' myself out of it. But like you said...........it's just not possible to mend a broken tool with another broken tool........it's the ultimate conundrum.

It might work slightly better with a head injury. I do believe that pushing our cognitive boundaries as far as they'll go might be encouraging the development of other 'pathways'.

No one seems to know, for sure, what somersaults the human brain is capable of, but in the meantime, maybe there is hope.......and compromise.........

[B_S_A in reply to cat3]

Sorry to hear about your depression, good job pulling yourself out, I can't imagine that's an easy task.

That actually does make me feel better, brains are pretty clever things, it just needs some diet and exercise. Thanks a lot.