I used to wake up, and go through the usual stuff; stay in bed for a while, think about what I should do that day, think about what coursework I needed to do, think about exams, think about what time work started, think about who I was seeing that day. It was such a simple process that I never really appreciated, and it's such an easy thing to overlook.I just miss that clarity of thought so much, and it's just so painful to think about.
You know when you used to hear stories about people who've had something horrible happen to them? You'd think how awful it was, and then maybe say to someone; "That's terrible...something has to be done!". Then of course the thought would fade, and why shouldn't it? There's nothing to be accomplished by tearing your own life down to someone else's level.
I'm sure you know that feeling. That sharp feeling your stomach when it really hits you, and it hits you so hard because you miss what you had. It's that comparison that's the killer. It's like somebody stole something that you didn't even know was so precious.
Just to be able to get up, go downstairs, and cook some dinner. It's right there in front of me, and I know how sweet the taste of that feeling would be. I imagine that clear feeling in my head, that sharp image of the world, where thoughts were crystal clear. I'm not talking about emotions here, I'm talking about physical ability, that ability that everybody has, that ability that's now been cut down.
What I would give to have it back. There is no word or sentence in the world that could describe that feeling, and you know it won't ever really be the same, not really.
I really do my best to be fine with the new circumstances I'm in, but it really just makes me feel sick. I mean if your house burns down at least you can you can use the greatest tool of all, your brain, to think of a way out of it. The tools are broken now, so how in the hell are you supposed to build again?
I miss it so damn much that I don't even want to cry. I mean, I enjoy things like I used to, but it's just never the same. I always have that little part at the back of my mind that says; "Wait, are we having a seizure? Or maybe a stroke?". I try to think about it in a way that makes sense, but it never truly works. I can just bring myself to the brink of that old feeling of just being safe, but never any further than that.
Living with that every day? That's just...impossible.