I have added this new account so I can hide who I am whilst I share something that I have kept to myself for almost 3 years and I just have to get it out.....
It is the sort of thing that people have opinions on....to be honest this is more about how I feel......I have not told ANYONE this
My husband and I met (15 years ago) and were absolute soul mates....'stuff of dreams' for both of us...we married and had a child....we still used to get excited when we met for lunch during a work day...that's how silly in love we were.....anyway when he suffered a brain injury almost 3 years ago and life obviously changed dramatically...I spent 5 months by his bedside visiting 2-3 times a day and still am the driving force behind his recovery. It is a severe brain injury and this means that it is hard for him, me and our child.
Lately, I am just so angry and sad all of the time.....you see when he was in hospital I had his phone and I realised that he had been unfaithful to me a few months before his accident.....I did not tell a soul but it ripped my heart out and ironically, I would have left him....but instead I am his carer and driver of cognitive therapy. So when a friend asked if we still 'have a love life' I just said no....but I did not say why. The new personality he has is probably one that was hidden before (sorry I know I sound cruel)...he lies all the time (yet I talk to his friends and family about maintaining his dignity and integrity)......Oh I don't think I can do this every day for the rest of my life......but no-one else will care for him.....so I do based on who I thought he was....not who he is.
Anyway, I just needed to get that out...even though I don't normally blog under this name.
Sorry if this sounds hard.....I am dying inside....I am no longer who I was either.
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so-sad
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i must say more fool him despite his injury and how sad for you i despite many many opportunities never even thought about cheating on the wonderful lady i was engaged to who saved my life after my injury i decided to call of our engegemnet as i willl never work again and will remain disabled a correct decision as i wont be able to look afre her and be a birden on her for the rest og our lives we do spezk and flirt every day and still miis eachother madly i feel you made the right decision trust is so important in a relationship lose the trust you cn never love the smae person as before again despite children one day your daughter willl understand but make sure she is never ever used as a pawn in venting fury at one and another please neil
i would have to say is you need to do what is best for you, non of us can live for another person.
if you need to leave then that is what you must do,
i dont know if this helps, but me and the mrs went through bad times, mostly because of me, but we had to learn to become friends again. and that was hard.
and i dont know how we did it either sorry
if you have to leave then get all his help set up,because by the way you have written this, it sounds like guilt is the only thing keeping you there.
Hi again....no its not guilt that is keeping me with him....it's the love for him that I have (despite everything) and also there is a child involved and I would NEVER let her know or let her feel my anger at him...(ncmurphy1951...she will never be a pawn). I will stay with him and look after him....I will not leave.....I am just carrying the fact that he betrayed me before it all happened. The reason I wanted to share this was so that I feel I can unburden myself in a way....like 'there I have told someone...now just get on with it now' if that makes sense??
for what it is worth i was a horrible person for about 6 years after my injury, now i am happy and nice most of the time, my change mostly happened because of CBT 4 years of it, is your husband getting any proper CBT therapy?
i cope with the bad side of me better now and its not so visible anymore, so there is hope that things will improve
I feel so dreadfully sorry for your loss..........that's how I see it. An awful tragedy when it has killed such happiness, and yet you have this commitment still.
Three years is a long time to have harboured these emotions and I'm wondering whether it might be time for some professional help. If you are resolved to staying with your husband you need to think about the long term effects this bitterness is having on your own health. You certainly sound like someone who was about to crack and, although I'm really glad you've had the courage to speak out to us, I suspect that any relief might be short-lived. Maybe you would consider contacting Headway helpline...........perhaps they would offer one-to-one counselling.
We often suggest community members contact the helpline for practical support or guidance, but it is important to know that the helpline is also available to people who just want to talk - anonymously - about their feelings.
We know that brain injury can lead to isolation and depression among carers but there is always someone at the end of the phone to talk to.
The helpline is open Monday-Friday, 9-5, and you can call the team on 0808 800 2244.
Thanks for the concern....but seriously I am about to crack...well sometimes yes...but not because of this.
I feel better to have just said (typed) out loud what I have been keeping to myself. I also want to say that I am not 'bitter' (strange but true)...bitterness would have driven me to despair.....I am just terribly disappointed! I am disappointed that he strayed....I am disappointed and sad that I found out when he had just woken from a coma (grief mixed with elation), I am disappointed that I can not confront the 'old husband'...just the brain injured one and its not the same (those married to a brain injury will get that).....and I am lonely in this disappointment and wounded with grief (but not bitterness or guilt) for the loss of what we had...twice!
I am a strong and smart enough woman to get through this.....and I will continue to help drive his rehab at home programme and everything else to give him the best opportunities that the man I married (and the father of my child) deserves so no worries there!!.....thanks for just listening everyone!
I am not sat pondering this daily....just when things get tough (which is natural I expect!).....
it was a massive step to just get this out....
Ok no more anon (alias so-sad)....over and out....and thanks very much for listening!
OK so you're closing it down now and going back to your silence. I wonder if you are working towards forgiveness. I have suffered the gut wrenching shock and disappointment which you describe. That was twenty years ago and we have stayed together from choice, no kids, no legal ties.....just choice.
You say you are staying with your husband out of love, which suggests there is hope for future happiness between the two of you. All that's required is for you to accept that he is human and fallible and weak, and to swallow the unfairness .......be the 'bigger' person.
I wish you all the very best of luck, and hope that you will, one day, find contentment and maybe, some happiness.
What a truly dreadful position to be in. I have often wondered what happens in these situations, when a catastrophic injury happens, and there are problems within the marriage. I am so lucky to have a good, strong marriage. I was widowed nearly 20 years ago, and was so lucky to find happiness again nearly 10 years ago. My good wishes go out to you. As you say, you are a very strong person with such a lot to bear and only you will know how much you can cope with. But at the end of the day you do have your own and your child's future to think about too. But keep talking, don't bottle everything up, that is the worst thing you can do.
Best wishes, Molly
Hi there, my thoughts are with you and I am sorry to hear your news.
If only you had had the opportunity to discuss this with the "old" husband prior to the injury and to understand (or at least try to) the reasons behind this - you may both have been able to come through the affair and rebuild your lives anyway. Sadly you were both robbed of that opportunity. So in some ways your are grieving twice - but having to carry on at the same time.
It sounds to me that you may be suffering from some level of depression - which would be entirely natural carrying the sorrow that you are carrying at the same time as suffering the loss of the husband and relationship that you knew whilst caring for your husband and your child and probably not taking enough care of yourself. I agree that it is time for you to seek some professional help to help you get through this, you are only human and being asked to take on something over and above that. I think it would really help you to talk to somebody and to bring your feelings to the fore.
I also agree that you then have to make your own decision about whether to stay or go - and that nobody should judge you whatever your decision. Whilst there is a child involved which is good reason to stay - they will pick up on your sorrow. Once you have become more comfortable with your decision and happy that you are doing it for you, you will be more relaxed and content - even if you still have tough days.
I was also on the brink of leaving - but it wasn't another woman it was drink. The drink is now gone but the brain injury happened so we have not been able to really talk through how drink affected behaviour and the relationship. I stayed initially because of the brain injury and because of love - but I was numb and angry because if it hadn't been for the drink the brain injury wouldn't have happened (he didn't ever hurt anybody else - only us). However with both of us getting help to deal with those feelings and to address the drink and to address the brain injury we have built a new relationship (drink free) with which we are comfortable - yes we both do miss our old relationship (pre drink) at times but we are learning to live with the new us and enjoying it.
We could only do this once we had received help however and by addressing all of our feelings - this had to be done separately, though we then talk things through with each other as best we can.
I was never one to seek help, and if somebody had told me 6 months ago that I would go to a group session and openly talk to others about the issue (in a confidential situation) - I would have laughed at the prospect. But it has been a life saver and I really would recommend it.
I hope you can find peace, happiness and comfort within yourself again primarily for you but then for the others that you live with - grief can eat away at you and make you ill.
You can get past this and stay with some help.
Take care of you first and foremost so that if you choose to stay you are able to look after the others - but put you first just for a moment
I have read all the comments left for you and don't feel I can add anything new, just my support to say do whatever you feel is necessary and I'm sure writing this has helped in some small way, my thoughts are with you and hope you can work through this take care and don't forget you need looking after too x
i have been giving a lot of thought to this, and should who we are now, be responsible for who we were then.
i know this doesn't apply to everyone. i am very much a different person to who i was before and in many ways, nothing like that person.
but i kept asking myself if it was me, would i want to deal with it
the simple answer is no and not because of my head injury, but because i was caught
BUT
a few things worth considering
does he remember he had the affair?
if so then i think its probably a bit early to confront him, but i think you should at some point, but explain how you have explained it here in the first two posts, just so he knows.
we all make mistakes and bad decisions, and i have been vile and downright nasty to people, especially my family, i have to live with that, but i am glad i know i was like that, rather than it being brushed under the carpet, so i can understand how they feel and how they have been effected.
i know the affair was before the accident, if he doesnt remember then irt will not be as emotional and become a factual memory rather thansomething he actually remembers
if his pre accident memories are intact then it may be more difficult.
but i think at some point it may be worth confronting him, so he is aware of your hurting.
this has made me think a lot especially as even though we have a brain injury, its not an excuse, we still have to be responsible for our own behaviour to an extent (yes some things are out of our control and if we are not activly seeking help for those issues which can be helped with therapy drugs etc.. then we should be 100% responsible for our behaviour and answer for them
ok i hope at least some of this makes sense, and hope whatever you choose, you can come to terms with it and have a happy life
i was looking after my partner for two years,(i was with him 16 years before)after being in a knife attact,he developed manic symptoms,in and out of hospital..and when he was home,most of us could not cope..i was not his partner at the time of his attack,but ended up becoming his carer for two years,all the time realizing this was not the man i knew,(just glimpses came out,which gave false hope)wanting to get away from him evrytime i saw him..but as towards the end all had had enough the only people to look after him was his sister and my self.it was ugly..he hung himself in the end, dec 2012...i went through so much guilt over the anger i had towards him.i did get some help and am now at peace with myself again....i would urge you to get help,as you are grieving.you are really so so brave writing this,i really wish there was something i could say to help..but it a heart twisting exhausting and confusing place to be in,and hope you get some help with his care,so your pressure can be eased...keep strong you are already an amazing person.he is lucky to have you xxxx
in reply to
and when i say anger,in that anger was love,curious us humans
Awful situation. I read somewhere that after brain injury there is a 70% of splitting with your partner. I think you are still grieving the injury and the deception and need to unburden yourself either to a councillor or good friends. it will eat you away if you carry on-
as you have enough things to deal with! You have your own life and sanity to think of. Have you had any time away on your own with friends as i think it would help. i an sure time will give you the answer but then again dont waste it! x
First of all.....thanks so much to everyone that has taken the time to read, think about and comment in such helpful ways. Someone said that I am amazing....well I think there is a lot of 'amazing' in all of us touched by brain injury...and the reaction to my blog shows that...seriously, thank you thank you thank you.......,
I talked to my husband last night...i have mentioned that i know beforehand (did not confront him) but said that I was finding it hard to get past it. He slowly stood up and walked to a drawer and took out an email dated 2 months before his accident. He said that he knows that he is not the same man and actually can not really remember what happened but that he had been searching for answers himself....the email he found was an email exchange between them and the last email from him said briefly "I am devastated beyond recognition about what has passed between us, I do not mean to offend but i regret our encounter so deeply. My love for my wife and family is what matters and I ask that you do not contact me again. I will be explaining everything to x (my name) and hope that I have not destroyed the relationship with them that I value, need and love." He had booked for us to go away...but his accident happened 4 weeks before so he never told me,!
I cried all last night for a million reasons.....relief but anger, regret that i could not have talked to him about why (of course he has no idea now nor can he articulate it etc ) and stupidly, also because it reminded me of how he used to be and the words he would use.....and god I miss him so much.
Now I need time to think...and will seek some professional help too.....for today, I am very appreciative of everything you have all said.
I have also arranged a new session of therapy based on acceptance and helping him work out who he is now (with my support) I am sure that this will also be a rocky road but as I said...the man I married deserves every chance......
I am grinning from ear to ear and sniffling like a fool. I think this story needs to be turned into a movie.......it's just incredible.
I'm so pleased that within a couple of days of your reaching out in desperation there has been such a momentous development. Now,perhaps, you can begin to lick your wounds.
I really do believe that you have every chance of reconciliation with your husband and that you can be a loving family once again............given time.
Thank you for this very, very welcome update and sincere best wishes for you, your husband and your daughter. Love, cat xx
PS I've forgotten to say, so-sad........... whoever you really are..........you are a lovely, caring person and your husband will probably never know how lucky he has been.
ofcourse it cant be easy for you knowing he was unfaithfull to you when he was ok just doesnt seem fair on you that youve to sit back and not have a life does it knowing what he done to you when he was ok .hope things get better for you and you start feeling whole again soon!.
I think that your husband has been harbouring his guilt, through all this. As a self responsible person, he is probably fully absorbed with terrible guilt, and he will think his severe illness is life punishing him for his selfishness. But he is human, and we all suffer guilt negativity.
YOU have been suffering as much, emotionally. Pain is Pain, emotionally, or physically. If we can build out of joint terrible pain, then it demolishes the myth that hangs over us, and we gain self respect for ourselves. Real situations can deliver wisdom, that would never be there between us. At the end of your lives together, it would be a wonderful history you can self respect as it grows and grows.
There can be positives that come out of Brain injury. It takes you to depths of depression to be so disabled mentally, and soooo self conscious. But sometimes it reveals simply joy, and wisdom which would not have grown, if we spent the rest of our lives normally. ,
Sometimes, acceptance blows away the grief. I think this will make you respect each other more. We suffer but we grow and grow. Is he a lovely caring person? who was starting to get the brain injury coming? My injury took years to explode, because it wasn't diagnosed. I did the opposite to your husband, I avoided contact with men, because my grief over my marriage wasn't a communication any more. Sometimes we don't know why we react, it could have happened to the woman.
Thats is my growing acceptance of my brain injury, that will never go away.
I think you will be fine. It sounds like a very nice relationship under the surface, and you have been an angel....
Hi i totally sm with you - i had a 34 yrs wonderful relationship with my american husband (i am asian) and 3 yrs ago he was diagnosed with parkinson - from that moment i had plan (physically & financially) to care for him in the usa giving up my life in asian but things took an ugly turn- last week i received a message from a filipino woman and found out shes married to my husband and have 3 kids with him- they were married 10 yrs after me - i never never suspect my husband of leading a double life as hes always been a devoted husband -the fact tbat he had brought the whole family to the usa had confirmed his decision to spend his life with them - where does that leave me - during my years with him he had never supported me with even one dime - always telling me he needs the money to plough back into his business - hes not been back for 2 yrs from the usa but he called twice a day assuring me he would be home citing business problem in the usa - imagine my shock when i received the message from his filipino wife last week - my whole world crumble - i felt lost n i great pain to think that i was planning to care for him when his parkinson gets worst. - i still love him a lot and pray daily for our Lord's protection on him.- the worst part is i was made to feel like the 3rd party - i am in so much pain
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Relationships after TBI
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