My Husband....my stranger....

[NJH11]

I know we are all individuals....and brain injuries are different (not least in the way that they affect and impact us all differently). However, I wanted to share a little part of my story.

I am 43, my husband of 15 years is 53. We were both business leaders in different sectors, he was exceptional, we were very happily married and very much in love. We tried for many years for a child and eventually after 8 losses we had our much awaited daughter in the summer of 2010. In February, 2011 life changed forever. He had been out for dinner and went back into his office to collect his laptop and grab a taxi home.....we are not sure what happened next...but I found him on his office floor at 2.am. He was unconscious and surrounded by vomit. I was told that he had 'bleeding on the brain' that 'the damage to the right hand side of the brain was severe' and 'it was doubtful he would survive.' The next few weeks were, as many of you have described, hell.

After 48 hours the brain swelling meant that he had craniotomy, his temperature soared for days, and he had a constant '3' on the Glasgow coma scale for weeks. He first stirred from his coma 3 weeks later, his first words 2 weeks after that, he learned to swallow a month after that....and incredibly (despite the brain scan showing otherwise) learned to walk again. After 4 1/2 months he was home.

The emotional roller coaster that follows a brain injury of a loved one is not for the faint-hearted. It is not a journey of days or weeks....or even months. It is a journey for life, and the sooner this is grasped the easier life becomes. I say 'easier' as it will never be 'easy.'

I met a gentleman in neuro-rehab, his wife had suffered a head injury and was about to be discharged after 6 months, he commented that it is a lonely life being the spouse of a brain injury. I assumed that he meant that friends desert you.....but now I know what he meant. Yes, of course some friends do not understand not have the patience and that is challenging. But for me, the hardest part is living with a man that is a stranger, a stranger that vaguely resembles I man I once married, he looks the same, although his smile is not full of life and there is no laughter in his eyes.

I miss him - and he hates it when I say that....he cries to me "but I am here!" So I hold him like a child and tell him that I love him (and I do); but inside I feel the grief of loss. I know that often this can sound so ungrateful - but he is such a different man, his personality, his humour, his intelligence, his conversation, his love..........our relationship, as it was, died that night back in February 2011.....but he did not and we are rebuilding a new relationship.

I have worked relentlessly over the last 2 years helping and driving his recovery, I believe strongly in neuro-plasticity, and we have worked 'miracles' - things that I was told were impossible - we have shown are not impossible but can improve....and I know we are still on a journey. I can post some of the things that we have done and how it has helped.

My journey will always be with my husband, I love him....and so does our little girl who is now 2 and a half. She struggles with him sometimes (and he her) but she has her daddy....and she has nothing to compare him to.

Lack of insight means that he does not see how he has changed - nor does he understand why he can not run a business anymore....but I have asked him to look at this site and post some of his own feelings and read about others and chat about how others are rebuilding their lives.

Life as you once knew it ends after a brain injury - accept it.....then move on....as 'a life' is possible after brain injury....yes even a happy one!

I have learned that life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain.

[Hidden]

Hi NJH11, On a similar journey(read my blogg LeslieDilks) ourselves and hear what your saying whole heartedly life will never be the same just different. It ges better each day, week, month, year. I wsh you luck in your journey as a family. Take care

[NJH11 in reply to Hidden]

Hi thanks for replying. I read your blogg and wish you are your family all the best too.

I think the biggest gap out there is that unless brain injury has happened to you - or your family.....you rarely hear about it - and people quite simply misunderstand and pre-judge it. But I guess you know that too

[ncmurphy1951]

njh11 wow what a story i suffered a brain hemmoraghe sah in dec 2007 although it took me 3 months to wake up everything you say i emphasise with what i can say from a survivors view point is that recovery isnt easy whatever way its put and life will change dramatically i had a top level job and am determined but one thing that i vowed to do was not let the one i loved the most down in any way my sah happened in spin where i was living passionatly in love with my drem jackie who infact saved my life while all the panic going on people shouting sirens blaring her little daughter looked on confused and scared but when i woke up in london jackie was there with me i as is me thought id e back in spain shortly wrong 16months of hospital later i was discharged to a small house we retained in kent throughout my hospitalization people ask me wghat was the one thing that kept me going it was jackie's utter faith in me and constant care and warmth of love she attended all my physio sessions hydro sessions neurophyscology and occupational therapy sessions fortunately she was there when i fiurst stood up racked in pain and when i took my first steps a real punch the air moment both done with the two of us in floods of tears

but life will change and will not be as it was in 2011 i turned 50 and it dawned on me that i will be disabled for the rest of my life and proably wont work again so not wishing to let jackie down i released her from her obligation to marry me a tough but correct decision but your husband has you and your daughter needs you both

god bless

neil

[Danslatete]

It is a revelation to read how people are affected from the otherside of injury. Whenyou are busy trying to find out how 'things' work etc there is no room for think of the family. Infact i didnt give it a thought for many years till someone else was talking about it. It didnt occur to me. I never felt i had changed, i am me, people treat me differently, so maybe i am changed?

[Dorsetcharlie]

Reading your blog has really moved me. We are on a similar journey and I send you my warmest wishes and offer myself as a comrade in arms for the future!

You are very welcome.

Charlie

[bikerlifestyle]

i am in the opposite position to you, i am the one with brain injury and i know i am not the same peson i don't remember my wedding, i have factual memories from before the accident but emotional memories are gone so my wife is a new person to me too, so although you are still the same, he may see you as a slightly different person too (if that makes sense).

but i sort of know what the old me was like on a factual level because everyone told me, but there are times i get a deja vu type flashback (not like a visible or dream one) just somehow i know its part of the old me, and it shows through to others in the way i act.

now in one way we are lucky, not many people get the chance to start again and be the person you want to be, so its not totally a bad thing.

i don't deal with negativity well nor dealing with stress, but i avoid those situations at all costs.

i am generally a very happy person, and very childish and silly, but i don't start arguments

i do lose my temper but always apologise because i tend to lose my temper at things i shouldn't but the things i should get angry at, i am just numb, my youngest daughter was born 4yrs after brain injury and she has grown up with me in a wheelchair and with all my problems, she is 13 now and you couldn't ask for a sweeter more caring child.

relationship has been hard and i wont lie we have nearly split up, but we had to learn to be friends again, before patching things up. and its much better now

hope there is something in my ramblings than can help

[iforget]

Thanks for sharing....I was very moved by your words. I am the one with the BI and my husband is a star. Like you and your husband we battle on and try to find a way to deal with what life has thrown at us. This may not be the life we had planned but it is the one we have and we are making the most of it.

[Hidden]

i am not the same person as before

i feel remade as the same only a little diff

our lass says she misses me

i am still here but never to be the same

if he smiles when you enter the room then you got love on your side

i smile when our lass comes in she is my world

i had t b i what a rollercoster

its not all bad at all

some times i think we started again

it helped that she understood

i wanted and still do wish to control my life

i am on top of the world today

and the pits tommorrow

however we/ us / you will still plod on

most pepole choose a brighter outlook

the futures bright the future is not orange /opps sorry couldnt help that one

in short what YOU want is what YOU will get

i hope all reach there goals

including me

[Hidden]

Hi again, I just wanted to say how we have managed to cont in our marriage. After much heartache and upset we have put coping strategies in place to help us on our journey

It has been far from easy (on both sides) and there have been some very tough times which nearly led to the breakdown of our marriage, but thankfully that hasn't happened. It isn't easy and takes time, we are five years on and still learning. The main coping strategy for us now is talking. We both write things down and eventually talk about our issues when we feel calm and then move on. We have learnt to recognise difficult/uncomfortable situations, walk away (go in separate rooms) and when calmness prevails we start again, talk, laugh, cry and cuddle, till next time

To help me remember things i have to write them down before i forget. I have a blackboard in my kitchen, note paper attached by fridge magnets to the fridge and various notebooks around the home. When my husband comes home from work we eventually talk about his day and using my notes talk about mine.

If you have a question you would like to ask me or my husband please do. We have learnt so much and come along way and if we can ease your journey that can only be good

[Torquay]

Many thanks for sharing your experience. We are just at the beginning of the 'head injury' journey with our sister. I am trusting that we too will 'learn to dance in the rain'. Thank you for that sharing that expression it does help to put things into perspective. Love conquers all. x